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Clips from Seinfeld - The Nose Job (S03E03)

TV Series 1989 –1998 Season 3, Episode 9 22 min ★ 8.8/10 (390,457 ratings) 369 clips
Comedy

Episodes from this show

Title Season Episode
Good News, Bad News 1 1
The Stakeout 1 2
The Robbery 1 3
The Stock Tip 1 5
The Ex-Girlfriend 2 1
The Pony Remark 2 2
The Jacket 2 3
The Phone Message 2 4
The Apartment 2 5
The Statue 2 6
The Revenge 2 7
The Heart Attack 2 8
The Deal 2 9
The Baby Shower 2 10
The Chinese Restaurant 2 11
The Busboy 2 12
The Note 3 1
The Truth 3 2
The Pen 3 3
The Dog 3 4
The Library 3 5
The Parking Garage 3 6
The Cafe 3 7
The Tape 3 8
The Nose Job 3 9
The Stranded 3 10
The Alternate Side 3 11
The Red Dot 3 12
The Subway 3 13
The Pez Dispenser 3 14
The Suicide 3 15
The Fix Up 3 16
The Boyfriend: Part 1 3 17
The Limo 3 19
The Good Samaritan 3 20
The Letter 3 21
The Parking Space 3 22
The Keys 3 23
The Trip: Part 1 4 1
The Trip: Part 2 4 2
The Pitch 4 3
The Wallet 4 5
The Watch 4 6
The Bubble Boy 4 7
The Cheever Letters 4 8
The Opera 4 9
The Virgin 4 10
The Contest 4 11
The Airport 4 12
The Pick 4 13
The Movie 4 14
The Visa 4 15
The Shoes 4 16
The Outing 4 17
The Old Man 4 18
The Implant 4 19
The Junior Mint 4 20
The Smelly Car 4 21
The Handicap Spot 4 22
The Pilot 4 23
The Mango 5 1
The Puffy Shirt 5 2
The Glasses 5 3
The Sniffing Accountant 5 4
The Bris 5 5
The Lip Reader 5 6
The Non-Fat Yogurt 5 7
The Barber 5 8
The Masseuse 5 9
The Cigar Store Indian 5 10
The Conversion 5 11
The Stall 5 12
The Dinner Party 5 13
The Marine Biologist 5 14
The Pie 5 15
The Stand-In 5 16
The Wife 5 17
The Raincoats 5 18
The Fire 5 19
The Hamptons 5 20
The Opposite 5 21
The Chaperone 6 1
The Big Salad 6 2
The Pledge Drive 6 3
Title Season Episode
The Chinese Woman 6 4
The Couch 6 5
The Gymnast 6 6
The Soup 6 7
The Mom and Pop Store 6 8
The Secretary 6 9
The Race 6 10
The Switch 6 11
The Label Maker 6 12
The Scofflaw 6 13
Highlights of a Hundred 6 14
The Beard 6 15
The Doorman 6 17
The Jimmy 6 18
The Doodle 6 19
The Fusilli Jerry 6 20
The Diplomat's Club 6 21
The Face Painter 6 22
The Understudy 6 23
The Engagement 7 1
The Postponement 7 2
The Maestro 7 3
The Wink 7 4
The Hot Tub 7 5
The Soup Nazi 7 6
The Secret Code 7 7
The Pool Guy 7 8
The Sponge 7 9
The Gum 7 10
The Rye 7 11
The Caddy 7 12
The Seven 7 13
The Cadillac 7 14
The Doll 7 16
The Friars Club 7 17
The Wig Master 7 18
The Calzone 7 19
The Bottle Deposit 7 20
The Wait Out 7 21
The Invitations 7 22
The Foundation 8 1
The Soul Mate 8 2
The Bizarro Jerry 8 3
The Little Kicks 8 4
The Package 8 5
The Fatigues 8 6
The Checks 8 7
The Chicken Roaster 8 8
The Abstinence 8 9
The Andrea Doria 8 10
The Little Jerry 8 11
The Money 8 12
The Comeback 8 13
The Van Buren Boys 8 14
The Susie 8 15
The Pothole 8 16
The English Patient 8 17
The Nap 8 18
The Yada Yada 8 19
The Millennium 8 20
The Muffin Tops 8 21
The Summer of George 8 22
The Butter Shave 9 1
The Voice 9 2
The Serenity Now 9 3
The Blood 9 4
The Junk Mail 9 5
The Merv Griffin Show 9 6
The Slicer 9 7
The Betrayal 9 8
The Apology 9 9
The Strike 9 10
The Dealership 9 11
The Reverse Peephole 9 12
The Cartoon 9 13
The Strongbox 9 14
The Wizard 9 15
The Burning 9 16
The Bookstore 9 17
The Frogger 9 18
The Maid 9 19
The Puerto Rican Day 9 20
The Chronicle 9 21
The Finale 9 23
Give me an explanation why the pharmacist has to be...
"Give me an explanation why the pharmacist has to be..."
Seinfeld
Oh, no, he's gotta be two and a half feet up.
"Oh, no, he's gotta be two and a half feet up."
Seinfeld
...keep the little piece of paper in the roller of the typewriter.
"...keep the little piece of paper in the roller of the typewriter."
Seinfeld
Only I'm allowed up here.
"Only I'm allowed up here."
Seinfeld
- Impossible, right? - You got less than 60 seconds.
"- Impossible, right? - You got less than 60 seconds."
Seinfeld
- Can you believe I did that? - What did she say?
"- Can you believe I did that? - What did she say?"
Seinfeld
- How did it go? - Take a guess.
"- How did it go? - Take a guess."
Seinfeld
Too late for that.
"Too late for that."
Seinfeld
I go to bed, I tell myself, Don't think about the nose. I think about it.
"I go to bed, I tell myself, Don't think about the nose. I think about it."
Seinfeld
And I know one other thing:
"And I know one other thing:"
Seinfeld
She gives to me. Well, two years later, he shows up and takes it back.
"She gives to me. Well, two years later, he shows up and takes it back."
Seinfeld
So, Elaine, go over to the apartment, tell the landlord you're his daughter...
"So, Elaine, go over to the apartment, tell the landlord you're his daughter..."
Seinfeld
Peter Von Nostrand.
"Peter Von Nostrand."
Seinfeld
Why don't you just commit yourself already?
"Why don't you just commit yourself already?"
Seinfeld
What is so special about this jacket?
"What is so special about this jacket?"
Seinfeld
It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York.
"It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York."
Seinfeld
You see what happens when you try to be nice?
"You see what happens when you try to be nice?"
Seinfeld
...if people said whatever they were thinking...
"...if people said whatever they were thinking..."
Seinfeld
- I hate the dentist. - It's a cleaning.
"- I hate the dentist. - It's a cleaning."
Seinfeld
I'm going straight to hell.
"I'm going straight to hell."
Seinfeld
- It is exciting. - Not as exciting as Miss Crop Circles.
"- It is exciting. - Not as exciting as Miss Crop Circles."
Seinfeld
Please, please. Isabel?
"Please, please. Isabel?"
Seinfeld
- Then what? - He still wins, but it's not a blowout.
"- Then what? - He still wins, but it's not a blowout."
Seinfeld
So, finally, Kramer comes in the other day.
"So, finally, Kramer comes in the other day."
Seinfeld
...just remember, I was the one that encouraged you to do this.
"...just remember, I was the one that encouraged you to do this."
Seinfeld
It's, like, all dented.
"It's, like, all dented."
Seinfeld
Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it.
"Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it."
Seinfeld
- I threw it out. - You're lying.
"- I threw it out. - You're lying."
Seinfeld
- You made me promise. - I changed my mind. I want it.
"- You made me promise. - I changed my mind. I want it."
Seinfeld
- I was lying. Give it to me. - You told me not to.
"- I was lying. Give it to me. - You told me not to."
Seinfeld
- We did? - We talked about going to Hawaii.
"- We did? - We talked about going to Hawaii."
Seinfeld
Ever since you came back from the Army, you've changed.
"Ever since you came back from the Army, you've changed."
Seinfeld
- That's not the line, Jerry. - All right, all right, I'm sorry.
"- That's not the line, Jerry. - All right, all right, I'm sorry."
Seinfeld
Well, you just need to relax.
"Well, you just need to relax."
Seinfeld
Do you have any idea what that's like for me? Do you care?
"Do you have any idea what that's like for me? Do you care?"
Seinfeld
Here.
"Here."
Seinfeld
I've read your book, professor, and I was quite intrigued by it.
"I've read your book, professor, and I was quite intrigued by it."
Seinfeld
...is it your contention that Shakespeare was an impostor?
"...is it your contention that Shakespeare was an impostor?"
Seinfeld
- Well, yes, that's my contention. - I heard him contend that.
"- Well, yes, that's my contention. - I heard him contend that."
Seinfeld
- We're all proud of the work I'm doing. - Yes, she does fine work.
"- We're all proud of the work I'm doing. - Yes, she does fine work."
Seinfeld
Checkmate.
"Checkmate."
Seinfeld
Little punk.
"Little punk."
Seinfeld
They're crazy about him.
"They're crazy about him."
Seinfeld
And bring back that box of Danish!
"And bring back that box of Danish!"
Seinfeld
Yes.
"Yes."
Seinfeld
...to the rest of her face. She's breathtaking.
"...to the rest of her face. She's breathtaking."
Seinfeld
...on top of everything else?
"...on top of everything else?"
Seinfeld
...two and a half feet up above everybody else.
"...two and a half feet up above everybody else."
Seinfeld
What the hell is he doing he can't be on the floor with you and me?
"What the hell is he doing he can't be on the floor with you and me?"
Seinfeld
Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear physicists, we're on the same level.
"Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear physicists, we're on the same level."
Seinfeld
Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills.
"Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills."
Seinfeld
Spread out, give me some room.
"Spread out, give me some room."
Seinfeld
The only hard part of his whole job that I could see...
"The only hard part of his whole job that I could see..."
Seinfeld
...is typing everything onto that little, tiny label.
"...is typing everything onto that little, tiny label."
Seinfeld
And has to try and get all the words on there...
"And has to try and get all the words on there..."
Seinfeld
Oh, no. He's gotta be two and a half feet up.
"Oh, no. He's gotta be two and a half feet up."
Seinfeld
Yeah, I'd like to get this prescription filled.
"Yeah, I'd like to get this prescription filled."
Seinfeld
- Where'd you meet her? - I met her on an elevator.
"- Where'd you meet her? - I met her on an elevator."
Seinfeld
On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?
"On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?"
Seinfeld
That's like dismantling a time bomb.
"That's like dismantling a time bomb."
Seinfeld
- What got into you? - I don't know. She was so beautiful...
"- What got into you? - I don't know. She was so beautiful..."
Seinfeld
...it was a pure reflex. The words...
"...it was a pure reflex. The words..."
Seinfeld
- ...just came out of my mouth. - Wow. What did you say?
"- ...just came out of my mouth. - Wow. What did you say?"
Seinfeld
You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England.
"You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England."
Seinfeld
What crop circles?
"What crop circles?"
Seinfeld
- Not a good sign. - Not everybody knows...
"- Not a good sign. - Not everybody knows..."
Seinfeld
...what the crop circles are. You know what the crop circles are?
"...what the crop circles are. You know what the crop circles are?"
Seinfeld
Crop circles? Why don't you buy something?
"Crop circles? Why don't you buy something?"
Seinfeld
You got something in your teeth.
"You got something in your teeth."
Seinfeld
- What? - It's green.
"- What? - It's green."
Seinfeld
Oh, man, spinach. I've been walking around like this all afternoon.
"Oh, man, spinach. I've been walking around like this all afternoon."
Seinfeld
- You bump into anybody you knew? - I had a job interview.
"- You bump into anybody you knew? - I had a job interview."
Seinfeld
Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing available at the present time...
"Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing available at the present time..."
Seinfeld
...but should anything open up, we'll be in touch.
"...but should anything open up, we'll be in touch."
Seinfeld
Okay, thanks.
"Okay, thanks."
Seinfeld
You don't need a job. You got Audrey.
"You don't need a job. You got Audrey."
Seinfeld
Yeah. Right.
"Yeah. Right."
Seinfeld
- What's the matter? - No. Nothing.
"- What's the matter? - No. Nothing."
Seinfeld
- What? - You won't think I'm a bad person?
"- What? - You won't think I'm a bad person?"
Seinfeld
Because, believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist.
"Because, believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist."
Seinfeld
What is it?
"What is it?"
Seinfeld
Well...
"Well..."
Seinfeld
Her nose is a little big.
"Her nose is a little big."
Seinfeld
Yeah, she's got a big nose.
"Yeah, she's got a big nose."
Seinfeld
I mean, big would even be okay.
"I mean, big would even be okay."
Seinfeld
It's beyond big.
"It's beyond big."
Seinfeld
It's a schnoz.
"It's a schnoz."
Seinfeld
I'm aware that my own physical dimensions...
"I'm aware that my own physical dimensions..."
Seinfeld
- ...are a little short of perfection. - A little.
"- ...are a little short of perfection. - A little."
Seinfeld
Who am I to be thinking about someone's nose?
"Who am I to be thinking about someone's nose?"
Seinfeld
I should be grateful someone like her looks at me. I have no job, nothing.
"I should be grateful someone like her looks at me. I have no job, nothing."
Seinfeld
But I have to say, I think about the nose.
"But I have to say, I think about the nose."
Seinfeld
I don't wanna think about it, I don't ask to think about it, but I think about it.
"I don't wanna think about it, I don't ask to think about it, but I think about it."
Seinfeld
I look at her, I see the nose.
"I look at her, I see the nose."
Seinfeld
Stop being so concerned with looks.
"Stop being so concerned with looks."
Seinfeld
- Have you said anything to her? - No. Could never do that.
"- Have you said anything to her? - No. Could never do that."
Seinfeld
The ironic thing is, if she had a smaller nose...
"The ironic thing is, if she had a smaller nose..."
Seinfeld
...I never could've dated her. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose.
"...I never could've dated her. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose."
Seinfeld
And I really like her. I know that.
"And I really like her. I know that."
Seinfeld
I'm not getting past that nose.
"I'm not getting past that nose."
Seinfeld
How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing.
"How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing."
Seinfeld
My mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house.
"My mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house."
Seinfeld
Now he's in prison. Got arrested for mail fraud.
"Now he's in prison. Got arrested for mail fraud."
Seinfeld
...and you wanna bring him the jacket.
"...and you wanna bring him the jacket."
Seinfeld
Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter?
"Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter?"
Seinfeld
No, he's never met her. She's in California.
"No, he's never met her. She's in California."
Seinfeld
- Are you coming with me? - Yeah, I have to. I'm your fiancé.
"- Are you coming with me? - Yeah, I have to. I'm your fiancé."
Seinfeld
- No, you don't wanna know. - God...
"- No, you don't wanna know. - God..."
Seinfeld
He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women.
"He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women."
Seinfeld
What's that splotch on your hand?
"What's that splotch on your hand?"
Seinfeld
I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night.
"I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night."
Seinfeld
I'm going back there tonight. I'm not gonna pay another cover charge.
"I'm going back there tonight. I'm not gonna pay another cover charge."
Seinfeld
You didn't wash all day?
"You didn't wash all day?"
Seinfeld
Yeah, I washed. Just not the hand.
"Yeah, I washed. Just not the hand."
Seinfeld
You wouldn't believe the women at this club. Man.
"You wouldn't believe the women at this club. Man."
Seinfeld
I actually find it kind of intimidating.
"I actually find it kind of intimidating."
Seinfeld
You're as pretty as any of them. Just need a nose job.
"You're as pretty as any of them. Just need a nose job."
Seinfeld
- Kramer! - What? What?
"- Kramer! - What? What?"
Seinfeld
How could you say something like that?
"How could you say something like that?"
Seinfeld
What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job.
"What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job."
Seinfeld