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Clips from Seinfeld - The Fix Up (S03E03)

TV Series 1989–1998 Season 3, Episode 16 22 min ★ 8.8/10 (390,457 ratings) 411 clips
Comedy
Between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing?
"Between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing?"
Seinfeld
But once we're going, okay. Once it's all happening...
"But once we're going, okay. Once it's all happening..."
Seinfeld
- There's no men out there. - I know.
"- There's no men out there. - I know."
Seinfeld
They know they're in demand.
"They know they're in demand."
Seinfeld
...but so insecure about not being a good one...
"...but so insecure about not being a good one..."
Seinfeld
But I'm bitter.
"But I'm bitter."
Seinfeld
Okay. Order me a piece of cake.
"Okay. Order me a piece of cake."
Seinfeld
Filthy from the paper.
"Filthy from the paper."
Seinfeld
Well, why wouldn't you start with George?
"Well, why wouldn't you start with George?"
Seinfeld
...out of their head one by one...
"...out of their head one by one..."
Seinfeld
- Why? - No. I'm not going to do that.
"- Why? - No. I'm not going to do that."
Seinfeld
I don't want anyone smarter than me.
"I don't want anyone smarter than me."
Seinfeld
How could she be smarter than you?
"How could she be smarter than you?"
Seinfeld
How come he's not working?
"How come he's not working?"
Seinfeld
Is that what you're saying, that he's fat?
"Is that what you're saying, that he's fat?"
Seinfeld
- Is that what you said? - Right.
"- Is that what you said? - Right."
Seinfeld
If you stick your hand in the hair, is it easy to get it out?
"If you stick your hand in the hair, is it easy to get it out?"
Seinfeld
Is there a pinkish hue?
"Is there a pinkish hue?"
Seinfeld
- A pinkish hue? - Yes, a rosy glow.
"- A pinkish hue? - Yes, a rosy glow."
Seinfeld
Is she sweet? I like sweet.
"Is she sweet? I like sweet."
Seinfeld
You know my friend Bob Sacamano?
"You know my friend Bob Sacamano?"
Seinfeld
So where are they? It's 11:45. They should be back by now.
"So where are they? It's 11:45. They should be back by now."
Seinfeld
I'm locking the vault. What? Come on.
"I'm locking the vault. What? Come on."
Seinfeld
- At your apartment? - Yeah.
"- At your apartment? - Yeah."
Seinfeld
Cynthia will kill me. We made a deal.
"Cynthia will kill me. We made a deal."
Seinfeld
So he felt he'd perform better if we did it in the kitchen.
"So he felt he'd perform better if we did it in the kitchen."
Seinfeld
- Anything else? - No.
"- Anything else? - No."
Seinfeld
She used me. I feel cheap and violated.
"She used me. I feel cheap and violated."
Seinfeld
- It is so my business. - Give me that!
"- It is so my business. - Give me that!"
Seinfeld
- Tell him- - Hey, hey, hey!
"- Tell him- - Hey, hey, hey!"
Seinfeld
I didn't even know they were defective.
"I didn't even know they were defective."
Seinfeld
Take it easy.
"Take it easy."
Seinfeld
Who are you to talk about her like that?
"Who are you to talk about her like that?"
Seinfeld
Hey, hey, hey! Come on, stop it!
"Hey, hey, hey! Come on, stop it!"
Seinfeld
You're running around looking for something not even there...
"You're running around looking for something not even there..."
Seinfeld
...and I could depend on him...
"...and I could depend on him..."
Seinfeld
- Very mature. - Thank you.
"- Very mature. - Thank you."
Seinfeld
- Hi, Cynthia. - Hi.
"- Hi, Cynthia. - Hi."
Seinfeld
- So, what are these? - We ordered appetizers. Start eating.
"- So, what are these? - We ordered appetizers. Start eating."
Seinfeld
Oh, fabulous.
"Oh, fabulous."
Seinfeld
Is that salt on this?
"Is that salt on this?"
Seinfeld
You thought they'd have a good time...
"You thought they'd have a good time..."
Seinfeld
I never really understood...
"I never really understood..."
Seinfeld
...the importance of the conductor.
"...the importance of the conductor."
Seinfeld
Do you really need somebody waving a stick in your face...
"Do you really need somebody waving a stick in your face..."
Seinfeld
...to play the violin? Does that really help you out?
"...to play the violin? Does that really help you out?"
Seinfeld
I could see how we need him at the beginning, okay?
"I could see how we need him at the beginning, okay?"
Seinfeld
Tap, tap, tap.
"Tap, tap, tap."
Seinfeld
Start. Okay. I could see how you need that.
"Start. Okay. I could see how you need that."
Seinfeld
...what do we need him for then?
"...what do we need him for then?"
Seinfeld
I don't see the cellist looking up, I'm confused. I don't know what to do.
"I don't see the cellist looking up, I'm confused. I don't know what to do."
Seinfeld
And the conductor goes, Do this. Like this...
"And the conductor goes, Do this. Like this..."
Seinfeld
Oh, okay, thank you. Thank you very much.
"Oh, okay, thank you. Thank you very much."
Seinfeld
Why try anymore? There's no sense to it.
"Why try anymore? There's no sense to it."
Seinfeld
I'll never meet anybody. I should accept it.
"I'll never meet anybody. I should accept it."
Seinfeld
- Oh, yes, you will. - No, I won't.
"- Oh, yes, you will. - No, I won't."
Seinfeld
Yeah, maybe you won't.
"Yeah, maybe you won't."
Seinfeld
It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like.
"It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like."
Seinfeld
- Are my nostrils getting bigger? - No.
"- Are my nostrils getting bigger? - No."
Seinfeld
See, why must it be so difficult? Why all this tension and hostility?
"See, why must it be so difficult? Why all this tension and hostility?"
Seinfeld
Why can't I just walk up to a woman and say, Hi, I'm George.
"Why can't I just walk up to a woman and say, Hi, I'm George."
Seinfeld
How are you? Is that so terrible?
"How are you? Is that so terrible?"
Seinfeld
H- H- Hi.
"H- H- Hi."
Seinfeld
Hi. Hi.
"Hi. Hi."
Seinfeld
The problem is that the good ones know they're good.
"The problem is that the good ones know they're good."
Seinfeld
They're not interested in confining themselves to one person.
"They're not interested in confining themselves to one person."
Seinfeld
I hate the good ones.
"I hate the good ones."
Seinfeld
Is Jerry a good one?
"Is Jerry a good one?"
Seinfeld
That's a good question. I think he thinks he is.
"That's a good question. I think he thinks he is."
Seinfeld
The mediocre ones are available...
"The mediocre ones are available..."
Seinfeld
...that they always go, I'm not good enough for you.
"...that they always go, I'm not good enough for you."
Seinfeld
What are you doing with me? Eventually I just go, You're right.
"What are you doing with me? Eventually I just go, You're right."
Seinfeld
Maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre.
"Maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre."
Seinfeld
No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing.
"No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing."
Seinfeld
Somebody who just appreciates being with me because he's so desperate.
"Somebody who just appreciates being with me because he's so desperate."
Seinfeld
I almost made a date with one.
"I almost made a date with one."
Seinfeld
Oh, so there's still hope.
"Oh, so there's still hope."
Seinfeld
I don't want hope. Hope is killing me.
"I don't want hope. Hope is killing me."
Seinfeld
The hopeless don't care.
"The hopeless don't care."
Seinfeld
When you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.
"When you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive."
Seinfeld
- So hopelessness is the key. - It's my only hope.
"- So hopelessness is the key. - It's my only hope."
Seinfeld
You see, I wouldn't really mind so much...
"You see, I wouldn't really mind so much..."
Seinfeld
...but I feel badly for my mother.
"...but I feel badly for my mother."
Seinfeld
If my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad.
"If my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad."
Seinfeld
But, I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm 40, I'll have to kill her.
"But, I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm 40, I'll have to kill her."
Seinfeld
Because it's the only fair thing to do.
"Because it's the only fair thing to do."
Seinfeld
I just couldn't put her through that.
"I just couldn't put her through that."
Seinfeld
At least you're not bitter.
"At least you're not bitter."
Seinfeld
Who says I'm not bitter?
"Who says I'm not bitter?"
Seinfeld
- Aren't you too young to be bitter? - No, you can be young and bitter.
"- Aren't you too young to be bitter? - No, you can be young and bitter."
Seinfeld
Just maybe not as bitter as I'll be 10 years from now.
"Just maybe not as bitter as I'll be 10 years from now."
Seinfeld
Anyway, don't tell anyone.
"Anyway, don't tell anyone."
Seinfeld
Don't worry. Your bitterness is safe with me.
"Don't worry. Your bitterness is safe with me."
Seinfeld
I'm gonna go throw up.
"I'm gonna go throw up."
Seinfeld
Look at my hands.
"Look at my hands."
Seinfeld
Look.
"Look."
Seinfeld
They should give you a Wet-Nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints.
"They should give you a Wet-Nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints."
Seinfeld
- What did you do last night? - Went out with George. You?
"- What did you do last night? - Went out with George. You?"
Seinfeld
Went out with Cynthia.
"Went out with Cynthia."
Seinfeld
What did you talk about?
"What did you talk about?"
Seinfeld
Oh, you know, the usual. The Federal Reserve, the rain forest.
"Oh, you know, the usual. The Federal Reserve, the rain forest."
Seinfeld
Cynthia felt we should nuke the rain forest.
"Cynthia felt we should nuke the rain forest."
Seinfeld
Get rid of it in one fell swoop so we could eliminate it...
"Get rid of it in one fell swoop so we could eliminate it..."
Seinfeld
...as a subject of conversation.
"...as a subject of conversation."
Seinfeld
- What about you? - We brushed on that.
"- What about you? - We brushed on that."
Seinfeld
Actually, George was in rare form.
"Actually, George was in rare form."
Seinfeld
He just can't find anybody.
"He just can't find anybody."
Seinfeld
I know. Cynthia too.
"I know. Cynthia too."
Seinfeld
- She's really given up. - George too.
"- She's really given up. - George too."
Seinfeld
- I've never fixed anybody up. - Me neither.
"- I've never fixed anybody up. - Me neither."
Seinfeld
And I am not about to start with George.
"And I am not about to start with George."
Seinfeld
You think she's too good for George?
"You think she's too good for George?"
Seinfeld
I didn't say too good, did I?
"I didn't say too good, did I?"
Seinfeld
- You implied it. - I didn't say it.
"- You implied it. - I didn't say it."
Seinfeld
If you think she's too good for George...
"If you think she's too good for George..."
Seinfeld
...you are dead wrong. Dead wrong.
"...you are dead wrong. Dead wrong."
Seinfeld
Who is she?
"Who is she?"
Seinfeld
- Who is he? - He's George.
"- Who is he? - He's George."
Seinfeld
- She's Cynthia. - So what?
"- She's Cynthia. - So what?"
Seinfeld
What, you don't think she's beautiful?
"What, you don't think she's beautiful?"
Seinfeld
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