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Clips from Seinfeld - The Stock Tip (S01E01)

TV Series 1989 –1998 Season 1, Episode 5 22 min ★ 8.8/10 (390,457 ratings) 422 clips
Comedy

Episodes from this show

Title Season Episode
Good News, Bad News 1 1
The Stakeout 1 2
The Robbery 1 3
The Stock Tip 1 5
The Ex-Girlfriend 2 1
The Pony Remark 2 2
The Jacket 2 3
The Phone Message 2 4
The Apartment 2 5
The Statue 2 6
The Revenge 2 7
The Heart Attack 2 8
The Deal 2 9
The Baby Shower 2 10
The Chinese Restaurant 2 11
The Busboy 2 12
The Note 3 1
The Truth 3 2
The Pen 3 3
The Dog 3 4
The Library 3 5
The Parking Garage 3 6
The Cafe 3 7
The Tape 3 8
The Nose Job 3 9
The Stranded 3 10
The Alternate Side 3 11
The Red Dot 3 12
The Subway 3 13
The Pez Dispenser 3 14
The Suicide 3 15
The Fix Up 3 16
The Boyfriend: Part 1 3 17
The Limo 3 19
The Good Samaritan 3 20
The Letter 3 21
The Parking Space 3 22
The Keys 3 23
The Trip: Part 1 4 1
The Trip: Part 2 4 2
The Pitch 4 3
The Wallet 4 5
The Watch 4 6
The Bubble Boy 4 7
The Cheever Letters 4 8
The Opera 4 9
The Virgin 4 10
The Contest 4 11
The Airport 4 12
The Pick 4 13
The Movie 4 14
The Visa 4 15
The Shoes 4 16
The Outing 4 17
The Old Man 4 18
The Implant 4 19
The Junior Mint 4 20
The Smelly Car 4 21
The Handicap Spot 4 22
The Pilot 4 23
The Mango 5 1
The Puffy Shirt 5 2
The Glasses 5 3
The Sniffing Accountant 5 4
The Bris 5 5
The Lip Reader 5 6
The Non-Fat Yogurt 5 7
The Barber 5 8
The Masseuse 5 9
The Cigar Store Indian 5 10
The Conversion 5 11
The Stall 5 12
The Dinner Party 5 13
The Marine Biologist 5 14
The Pie 5 15
The Stand-In 5 16
The Wife 5 17
The Raincoats 5 18
The Fire 5 19
The Hamptons 5 20
The Opposite 5 21
The Chaperone 6 1
The Big Salad 6 2
The Pledge Drive 6 3
Title Season Episode
The Chinese Woman 6 4
The Couch 6 5
The Gymnast 6 6
The Soup 6 7
The Mom and Pop Store 6 8
The Secretary 6 9
The Race 6 10
The Switch 6 11
The Label Maker 6 12
The Scofflaw 6 13
Highlights of a Hundred 6 14
The Beard 6 15
The Doorman 6 17
The Jimmy 6 18
The Doodle 6 19
The Fusilli Jerry 6 20
The Diplomat's Club 6 21
The Face Painter 6 22
The Understudy 6 23
The Engagement 7 1
The Postponement 7 2
The Maestro 7 3
The Wink 7 4
The Hot Tub 7 5
The Soup Nazi 7 6
The Secret Code 7 7
The Pool Guy 7 8
The Sponge 7 9
The Gum 7 10
The Rye 7 11
The Caddy 7 12
The Seven 7 13
The Cadillac 7 14
The Doll 7 16
The Friars Club 7 17
The Wig Master 7 18
The Calzone 7 19
The Bottle Deposit 7 20
The Wait Out 7 21
The Invitations 7 22
The Foundation 8 1
The Soul Mate 8 2
The Bizarro Jerry 8 3
The Little Kicks 8 4
The Package 8 5
The Fatigues 8 6
The Checks 8 7
The Chicken Roaster 8 8
The Abstinence 8 9
The Andrea Doria 8 10
The Little Jerry 8 11
The Money 8 12
The Comeback 8 13
The Van Buren Boys 8 14
The Susie 8 15
The Pothole 8 16
The English Patient 8 17
The Nap 8 18
The Yada Yada 8 19
The Millennium 8 20
The Muffin Tops 8 21
The Summer of George 8 22
The Butter Shave 9 1
The Voice 9 2
The Serenity Now 9 3
The Blood 9 4
The Junk Mail 9 5
The Merv Griffin Show 9 6
The Slicer 9 7
The Betrayal 9 8
The Apology 9 9
The Strike 9 10
The Dealership 9 11
The Reverse Peephole 9 12
The Cartoon 9 13
The Strongbox 9 14
The Wizard 9 15
The Burning 9 16
The Bookstore 9 17
The Frogger 9 18
The Maid 9 19
The Puerto Rican Day 9 20
The Chronicle 9 21
The Finale 9 23
Went to dinner the other night, check came at the end of the meal.
"Went to dinner the other night, check came at the end of the meal."
Seinfeld
Never liked the check at the end of the meal system.
"Never liked the check at the end of the meal system."
Seinfeld
Money's a different thing before you eat.
"Money's a different thing before you eat."
Seinfeld
Before you eat, money has no value.
"Before you eat, money has no value."
Seinfeld
You don't care when you're hungry.
"You don't care when you're hungry."
Seinfeld
You sit down in a restaurant, you're the ruler of an empire. More drinks!
"You sit down in a restaurant, you're the ruler of an empire. More drinks!"
Seinfeld
Appetizers! Quickly, quickly.
"Appetizers! Quickly, quickly."
Seinfeld
It will be the greatest meal of our lives.
"It will be the greatest meal of our lives."
Seinfeld
Then after the meal, you know, you got the pants open...
"Then after the meal, you know, you got the pants open..."
Seinfeld
...you got the napkins destroyed...
"...you got the napkins destroyed..."
Seinfeld
...cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes.
"...cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes."
Seinfeld
Then the check comes at that moment.
"Then the check comes at that moment."
Seinfeld
People are always upset, you know?
"People are always upset, you know?"
Seinfeld
They're mystified by the check.
"They're mystified by the check."
Seinfeld
What is this?
"What is this?"
Seinfeld
How could this be?
"How could this be?"
Seinfeld
They start passing it around the table, Does this look right to you?
"They start passing it around the table, Does this look right to you?"
Seinfeld
We're not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?
"We're not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?"
Seinfeld
I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humour.
"I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humour."
Seinfeld
I never heard him say anything funny.
"I never heard him say anything funny."
Seinfeld
It's common sense.
"It's common sense."
Seinfeld
He's got super strength, super speed.
"He's got super strength, super speed."
Seinfeld
I'm sure he's got super humour.
"I'm sure he's got super humour."
Seinfeld
You would think that, but...
"You would think that, but..."
Seinfeld
...either you're born with humour or you're not. It's not gonna change.
"...either you're born with humour or you're not. It's not gonna change."
Seinfeld
Even if you go from the red sun of Krypton...
"Even if you go from the red sun of Krypton..."
Seinfeld
...all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.
"...all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth."
Seinfeld
Why? Why would that one area of his mind...
"Why? Why would that one area of his mind..."
Seinfeld
...not be affected by the yellow sun of the Earth?
"...not be affected by the yellow sun of the Earth?"
Seinfeld
I don't know. But he ain't funny.
"I don't know. But he ain't funny."
Seinfeld
Hi.
"Hi."
Seinfeld
I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late."
Seinfeld
No problem.
"No problem."
Seinfeld
I dropped a grape.
"I dropped a grape."
Seinfeld
- What? - I dropped a grape in the kitchen...
"- What? - I dropped a grape in the kitchen..."
Seinfeld
...and it disappeared.
"...and it disappeared."
Seinfeld
I couldn't find it. I was... I was literally on my knees for 10 minutes...
"I couldn't find it. I was... I was literally on my knees for 10 minutes..."
Seinfeld
...looking for this stupid grape.
"...looking for this stupid grape."
Seinfeld
I have no idea where it went.
"I have no idea where it went."
Seinfeld
Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape.
"Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape."
Seinfeld
You'll find it.
"You'll find it."
Seinfeld
No. I'm just getting over an allergy attack.
"No. I'm just getting over an allergy attack."
Seinfeld
- This guy I'm going out with... - Robert.
"- This guy I'm going out with... - Robert."
Seinfeld
Robert. Yes. Thank you.
"Robert. Yes. Thank you."
Seinfeld
He has two cats, and I'm allergic to them.
"He has two cats, and I'm allergic to them."
Seinfeld
You know, I finally meet a normal man...
"You know, I finally meet a normal man..."
Seinfeld
...and I can't even go into his apartment.
"...and I can't even go into his apartment."
Seinfeld
Of course, my apartment is The Actors' Studio...
"Of course, my apartment is The Actors' Studio..."
Seinfeld
...so we can't go there. It's really causing a lot of problems, you know?
"...so we can't go there. It's really causing a lot of problems, you know?"
Seinfeld
He won't even go away for the weekend because of these cats.
"He won't even go away for the weekend because of these cats."
Seinfeld
Guys with cats... I don't know.
"Guys with cats... I don't know."
Seinfeld
I been thinking of asking this girl I'm seeing...
"I been thinking of asking this girl I'm seeing..."
Seinfeld
Vanessa?
"Vanessa?"
Seinfeld
Vanessa. Thank you.
"Vanessa. Thank you."
Seinfeld
I been thinking about asking her to go away a couple days.
"I been thinking about asking her to go away a couple days."
Seinfeld
Oh, no. No, no.
"Oh, no. No, no."
Seinfeld
I'd have to advise against that.
"I'd have to advise against that."
Seinfeld
What do you know this woman, a month?
"What do you know this woman, a month?"
Seinfeld
You're gonna be with her 72 hours, that's a dating decathlon.
"You're gonna be with her 72 hours, that's a dating decathlon."
Seinfeld
Why don't you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about?
"Why don't you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about?"
Seinfeld
That really charming place with the...
"That really charming place with the..."
Seinfeld
...with the separate faucets for the hot and cold.
"...with the separate faucets for the hot and cold."
Seinfeld
She'll love it.
"She'll love it."
Seinfeld
That's exquisite. Listen, if it's not too much trouble...
"That's exquisite. Listen, if it's not too much trouble..."
Seinfeld
...could you pass me that paper over there?
"...could you pass me that paper over there?"
Seinfeld
Just the business section.
"Just the business section."
Seinfeld
You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form.
"You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form."
Seinfeld
There was once a mutant grape...
"There was once a mutant grape..."
Seinfeld
...that terrorized an entire town in the Texas panhandle.
"...that terrorized an entire town in the Texas panhandle."
Seinfeld
They brought in the Army. Nobody could stop it.
"They brought in the Army. Nobody could stop it."
Seinfeld
Apparently, it had a pit of steel.
"Apparently, it had a pit of steel."
Seinfeld
Up again. This is incredible.
"Up again. This is incredible."
Seinfeld
- I'm getting it. - You're getting what?
"- I'm getting it. - You're getting what?"
Seinfeld
- A stock. - What stock?
"- A stock. - What stock?"
Seinfeld
- You ever meet my friend Simons? - Maybe.
"- You ever meet my friend Simons? - Maybe."
Seinfeld
This guy Wilkenson made a fortune in the stock market.
"This guy Wilkenson made a fortune in the stock market."
Seinfeld
Now he's got some new thing, there was supposed to be a big merger.
"Now he's got some new thing, there was supposed to be a big merger."
Seinfeld
I wasn't even supposed to say anything.
"I wasn't even supposed to say anything."
Seinfeld
- You should think about this. - How high is it supposed to go?
"- You should think about this. - How high is it supposed to go?"
Seinfeld
I don't know. But Simons said if I wanted to get involved...
"I don't know. But Simons said if I wanted to get involved..."
Seinfeld
...Wilkenson would tell me the exact right minute to sell.
"...Wilkenson would tell me the exact right minute to sell."
Seinfeld
- You wanna do it? - Boy, I don't know.
"- You wanna do it? - Boy, I don't know."
Seinfeld
I don't have any money.
"I don't have any money."
Seinfeld
What kind of company is it?
"What kind of company is it?"
Seinfeld
It's called Centrax. They got some new kind of technique...
"It's called Centrax. They got some new kind of technique..."
Seinfeld
...for televising opera.
"...for televising opera."
Seinfeld
Televising opera?
"Televising opera?"
Seinfeld
Some sort of electronic thingy.
"Some sort of electronic thingy."
Seinfeld
How much are you gonna invest?
"How much are you gonna invest?"
Seinfeld
Five thousand. Ten... Ten thousand.
"Five thousand. Ten... Ten thousand."
Seinfeld
Five thousand.
"Five thousand."
Seinfeld
- Boy. - Come on!
"- Boy. - Come on!"
Seinfeld
Wilkenson's got millions invested in this stock.
"Wilkenson's got millions invested in this stock."
Seinfeld
It's gone up three points since I've been watching it.
"It's gone up three points since I've been watching it."
Seinfeld
- What if I lose it? - Come on! Go for 2500.
"- What if I lose it? - Come on! Go for 2500."
Seinfeld
We'll do it together. Come on, come on.
"We'll do it together. Come on, come on."
Seinfeld
We're in it together.
"We're in it together."
Seinfeld
- All right, 2500. - That's it.
"- All right, 2500. - That's it."
Seinfeld
Yeah, can I take your order?
"Yeah, can I take your order?"
Seinfeld
Check to the raiser.
"Check to the raiser."
Seinfeld
My bet? All right.
"My bet? All right."
Seinfeld
I'll open with the tuna sandwich.
"I'll open with the tuna sandwich."
Seinfeld
- Tuna? - Oh, the dolphin thing?
"- Tuna? - Oh, the dolphin thing?"
Seinfeld
They're dying in the nets.
"They're dying in the nets."
Seinfeld
You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna.
"You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna."
Seinfeld
Jerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine?
"Jerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine?"
Seinfeld
Hey, when I'm driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time.
"Hey, when I'm driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time."
Seinfeld
I'm always waving everybody in.
"I'm always waving everybody in."
Seinfeld
Go ahead. Go ahead.
"Go ahead. Go ahead."
Seinfeld
All right, all right. I'll have the chicken salad.
"All right, all right. I'll have the chicken salad."
Seinfeld
And I'm gonna have...
"And I'm gonna have..."
Seinfeld
...an English muffin with margarine on the side, and a cup of coffee.
"...an English muffin with margarine on the side, and a cup of coffee."
Seinfeld
Okay, what about you?
"Okay, what about you?"
Seinfeld
I'll have the tuna.
"I'll have the tuna."
Seinfeld
I have to say, those people talking behind us...
"I have to say, those people talking behind us..."
Seinfeld
...really ruined that movie for me.
"...really ruined that movie for me."
Seinfeld
Why didn't you do something?
"Why didn't you do something?"
Seinfeld
What do you want me to do?
"What do you want me to do?"
Seinfeld
I gave the guy the half-turn.
"I gave the guy the half-turn."
Seinfeld
Then I gave him the full turn with the eye roll.
"Then I gave him the full turn with the eye roll."
Seinfeld