Loading...
You're not connected to the Internet. Please check your connection.

Clips from Seinfeld - The Masseuse (S05E05)

"With a serial killer, it's safest to be a neighbor."
Seinfeld
"They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor survives to do..."
Seinfeld
"...the interview afterwards, right? "He was kind of quiet.""
Seinfeld
"These neighbors, they're never disturbed..."
Seinfeld
"...by the sounds of murdering. Just stereo."
Seinfeld
"Chain saws, people screaming, fine."
Seinfeld
"Just keep the music down."
Seinfeld
"And women who fall in love with the killer."
Seinfeld
"They write to him in prison. Here's a woman that's hard to disappoint."
Seinfeld
"She's only upset when she finds out..."
Seinfeld
"...he's stopped killing people. And she goes:"
Seinfeld
""You know, sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore.""
Seinfeld
"No. Eight years isn't such a long streak."
Seinfeld
"- It isn't? - No. I haven't vomited in 13 years."
Seinfeld
"- Get out. - Not since June 29th, 1980."
Seinfeld
"You remember the date?"
Seinfeld
"Yes. Because my previous vomit was also June 29th, 1972."
Seinfeld
"That's why during the '80 vomit I was yelling to George:"
Seinfeld
""Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again.""
Seinfeld
"When Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years..."
Seinfeld
"- ... I was wondering if he was normal. - No, Elaine, he's normal."
Seinfeld
"Your boyfriend is normal. He just has the same name..."
Seinfeld
"...as one of the worst serial killers in history."
Seinfeld
"Oh, Jer, I gotta go. I gotta go."
Seinfeld
"- Hi. - Hey."
Seinfeld
"We just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop."
Seinfeld
"- Oh, yeah? - Yeah. What's his name?"
Seinfeld
"- Joel. - Joel what?"
Seinfeld
"Rifkin."
Seinfeld
"- Rifkin? Joel Rifkin? - Yeah. It's just a coincidence..."
Seinfeld
"- ...obviously. - Guess you better..."
Seinfeld
"...keep on his good side."
Seinfeld
"Very funny. That's very funny."
Seinfeld
"Yeah, I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you."
Seinfeld
"Yeah. Well, that's enough of that. Enough."
Seinfeld
"If you smell anything decaying in his car's trunk-"
Seinfeld
"Look, this is my boyfriend we're talking about."
Seinfeld
"He's a gentleman. He's good-looking, he's a good shaver."
Seinfeld
"And he hasn't thrown up in eight years, so just shut up about him. Shut up!"
Seinfeld
"The whole city is talking about this monster, Joel Rifkin."
Seinfeld
"And I am dating a Joel Rifkin."
Seinfeld
"- But you like your Joel Rifkin. - Yeah. I wish he had a different name."
Seinfeld
"Ask him to change it."
Seinfeld
"You can't ask a person to change their name."
Seinfeld
"- Why not? - Would you change yours?"
Seinfeld
"If someone asked me nicely."
Seinfeld
"I'm Claude Seinfeld."
Seinfeld
"Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle, 18?"
Seinfeld
"Yeah, 18 strangles."
Seinfeld
"You know why Rifkin was a serial killer?"
Seinfeld
"Because he was adopted."
Seinfeld
"Just like Son of Sam was adopted."
Seinfeld
"So apparently, adoption leads to serial killing."
Seinfeld
"Joel and I have an extra ticket to the Giants game."
Seinfeld
"- I'll go. - Okay."
Seinfeld
"- I'll leave a ticket for you at will call. - Yeah!"
Seinfeld
"Should I have asked George?"
Seinfeld
"Hey, did you hear George got back with Karen?"
Seinfeld
"- Karen? - Risotto."
Seinfeld
"I feel full after the risotto."
Seinfeld
"- Oh, the risotto broad. - Yeah."
Seinfeld
"He's got a good thing with her. I'm doubling with them tonight."
Seinfeld
"- You don't like double dates. - George does."
Seinfeld
"He feels it's a good personality showcase."
Seinfeld
"He likes a date to see him with a friend..."
Seinfeld
"...so she gets a window into his non-date personality."
Seinfeld
"I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds."
Seinfeld
"He feels he's funnier, more relaxed."
Seinfeld
"- And you're taking...? - Jodi, the masseuse."
Seinfeld
"- Hey, did you get a massage yet? - No."
Seinfeld
"How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage?"
Seinfeld
"Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't want to give them on dates."
Seinfeld
"Yeah, I know. She just wants to have sex."
Seinfeld
"So what?"
Seinfeld
"It's like going to Idaho and eating carrots."
Seinfeld
"I like carrots, but I'm in Idaho, I want a potato."
Seinfeld
"So I go into this clothing store, and the saleswoman is wearing this..."
Seinfeld
"...low-cut thing."
Seinfeld
"So I said to her, "Can I ask you a question?"
Seinfeld
"When you put on a top like that, what's your thought process?"
Seinfeld
"What's going on in your mind?""
Seinfeld
"That is so funny."
Seinfeld
"- You listening to this? - Yeah, I heard you."
Seinfeld
"Boy, my neck is killing me."
Seinfeld
"It's right in this spot. Very tender over here."
Seinfeld
"So, what did she say?"
Seinfeld
"Well, nothing. I didn't actually say that."
Seinfeld
"You just said you said it."
Seinfeld
"Sweetheart, I was exaggerating."
Seinfeld
"I'm learning a lot about you tonight, George."
Seinfeld
"I've never seen you like this."
Seinfeld
"It's like somebody's pulling on wires back here."
Seinfeld
"It's like, you never see a really attractive woman..."
Seinfeld
"...getting a traffic ticket."
Seinfeld
"How can you say that? My sister got a ticket last week."
Seinfeld
"Are you saying she's not attractive?"
Seinfeld
"Obviously, these are not hard-and-fast rules."
Seinfeld
"Darling, the tea is getting a little cold, sweetheart."
Seinfeld
"- Can we go? - So soon?"
Seinfeld
"- Yeah. Good seeing you again, Karen. - Yeah."
Seinfeld
"- Nice meeting you, Karen. - Yeah, I'll call about that massage."
Seinfeld
"- Yeah. - Let's do this again soon."
Seinfeld
"Yeah."
Seinfeld
"- I strained my neck last night. - Really, how?"
Seinfeld
"I tried brushing my teeth by holding the brush..."
Seinfeld
"...and moving my head from side to side."
Seinfeld
"It didn't work."
Seinfeld
"So, what's the deal with your friend George?"
Seinfeld
"No deal. Why?"
Seinfeld
"What was all that " attractive women not getting tickets" nonsense?"
Seinfeld
"Well, he was just showcasing his non-date personality."
Seinfeld
"How can you hang out with him?"
Seinfeld
"Yeah, sometimes it really makes me tense."
Seinfeld
"Did you see the way that he was eating?"
Seinfeld
"Yeah, he's disgusting."
Seinfeld
"I have to tell you, I really don't like him."
Seinfeld
"- Yeah, me either. - It's just I hate that type."
Seinfeld
"He's a bad seed."
Seinfeld
"Now, you, however, you, I like."
Seinfeld
"- What are you doing? - What do you think I'm doing?"
Seinfeld
Show more clips