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Clips from Archer - Animation (S03E03)

Short Films 2009 Season 3, Episode 5 7 min 429 clips
Short Sport Documentary
Yeah, that's me, Mr. Selfish.
"Yeah, that's me, Mr. Selfish."
Archer
Sorry, I gotta get back to Earth before the Stargate closes.
"Sorry, I gotta get back to Earth before the Stargate closes."
Archer
None of you were qualified when you first started.
"None of you were qualified when you first started."
Archer
End of discussion. And since this meeting is for field agents only...
"End of discussion. And since this meeting is for field agents only..."
Archer
Sorry. And if you were in my tax bracket...
"Sorry. And if you were in my tax bracket..."
Archer
Or wearing such shitty clothes. Or doing such shitty missions.
"Or wearing such shitty clothes. Or doing such shitty missions."
Archer
Exactly, and how many drug users could be treated with that money?
"Exactly, and how many drug users could be treated with that money?"
Archer
They'd just go buy a million dollars' worth of crack with it.
"They'd just go buy a million dollars' worth of crack with it."
Archer
MALORY: And knock off that damn beatboxing!
"MALORY: And knock off that damn beatboxing!"
Archer
Um, tropics or Busch Gardens?
"Um, tropics or Busch Gardens?"
Archer
...there's about 10 klicks of jungle that I just assume is one giant booby-trap showroom.
"...there's about 10 klicks of jungle that I just assume is one giant booby-trap showroom."
Archer
You say that all the time. I never know what you're talking about.
"You say that all the time. I never know what you're talking about."
Archer
Cleaning out my freezer last week, I found a big bag of skank.
"Cleaning out my freezer last week, I found a big bag of skank."
Archer
I call it Krieger-Kleanse. It's an herbal tea, all-natural...
"I call it Krieger-Kleanse. It's an herbal tea, all-natural..."
Archer
Well, here. Give me, give me, give it! Ah, ah, ah.
"Well, here. Give me, give me, give it! Ah, ah, ah."
Archer
I literally-- Figuratively scoured the globe for these special herbs...
"I literally-- Figuratively scoured the globe for these special herbs..."
Archer
Because shut up. Oh, jungle zing.
"Because shut up. Oh, jungle zing."
Archer
So it says here that Calzado isn't even the head of the whole operation.
"So it says here that Calzado isn't even the head of the whole operation."
Archer
...for somebody named "La Sombra." La sombre. The Shade?
"...for somebody named "La Sombra." La sombre. The Shade?"
Archer
Cyril. No, I bet in this context, the "Shadow."
"Cyril. No, I bet in this context, the "Shadow.""
Archer
...that fly 1000 meters, or one klick, a second...
"...that fly 1000 meters, or one klick, a second..."
Archer
I guess I wanna feel like I matter more.
"I guess I wanna feel like I matter more."
Archer
Okay, Cyril, then lesson 1A:
"Okay, Cyril, then lesson 1A:"
Archer
Okay. You look, you listen, you smell...
"Okay. You look, you listen, you smell..."
Archer
My six what? Is that my gun? The old six-shooter?
"My six what? Is that my gun? The old six-shooter?"
Archer
Cyril? Yeah, that's why I said hold up.
"Cyril? Yeah, that's why I said hold up."
Archer
Well, where the hell did he go? I don't know, it's like he just...
"Well, where the hell did he go? I don't know, it's like he just..."
Archer
Yes. Oh. Couple things. A, he's invisible.
"Yes. Oh. Couple things. A, he's invisible."
Archer
Mm, no, it's not whimpery enough.
"Mm, no, it's not whimpery enough."
Archer
Which is?
"Which is?"
Archer
Thanks, Marlin Perkins. I think I know a tiger when I hear one!
"Thanks, Marlin Perkins. I think I know a tiger when I hear one!"
Archer
Every time. Your big, fat mouth gets us caught every time.
"Every time. Your big, fat mouth gets us caught every time."
Archer
And 1000 bucks that's a tiger, Lana.
"And 1000 bucks that's a tiger, Lana."
Archer
--There's no sense in us both getting raped.
"--There's no sense in us both getting raped."
Archer
We're scared. We're just tourists. Our car broke down, so--
"We're scared. We're just tourists. Our car broke down, so--"
Archer
So the assault weapons and plastic explosives, why do you have these?
"So the assault weapons and plastic explosives, why do you have these?"
Archer
Okay, yes, let me explain. Busted. We're arms dealers.
"Okay, yes, let me explain. Busted. We're arms dealers."
Archer
Then we give Mother a million and you and I split the other million.
"Then we give Mother a million and you and I split the other million."
Archer
But-- Obviously, I cannot allow you to live.
"But-- Obviously, I cannot allow you to live."
Archer
Besides, throwing money away like that would displease El Contador.
"Besides, throwing money away like that would displease El Contador."
Archer
What? No. You guys aren't gonna believe what happened.
"What? No. You guys aren't gonna believe what happened."
Archer
CYRIL: Then they brought me here. I bluffed my way through the rest.
"CYRIL: Then they brought me here. I bluffed my way through the rest."
Archer
You just leave that to me, amigo.
"You just leave that to me, amigo."
Archer
Why, what's--? What is going on here?
"Why, what's--? What is going on here?"
Archer
...which is why tomorrow, at dawn, I will be hunting the most dangerous game in the world.
"...which is why tomorrow, at dawn, I will be hunting the most dangerous game in the world."
Archer
If you want, I can watch while you masturbate.
"If you want, I can watch while you masturbate."
Archer
You get a 30-minute head start.
"You get a 30-minute head start."
Archer
Uh... Oh! Can they split up?
"Uh... Oh! Can they split up?"
Archer
As hypothesized, after mind-shredding hallucinations...
"As hypothesized, after mind-shredding hallucinations..."
Archer
Lana? Lana?
"Lana? Lana?"
Archer
Theoretically. Sorry.
"Theoretically. Sorry."
Archer
...but he can't possibly outrun Calzado. Yeah, neither can we, so...
"...but he can't possibly outrun Calzado. Yeah, neither can we, so..."
Archer
What? Come on.
"What? Come on."
Archer
ARCHER: Ow! Oh, eat a dick, jungle!
"ARCHER: Ow! Oh, eat a dick, jungle!"
Archer
Well, then you're obviously an idiot when it comes to crocodiles...
"Well, then you're obviously an idiot when it comes to crocodiles..."
Archer
And you're under arrest, albeit extra-judicially.
"And you're under arrest, albeit extra-judicially."
Archer
"Chop-chop"? Here we go.
""Chop-chop"? Here we go."
Archer
I think I'm gonna be--
"I think I'm gonna be--"
Archer
My eyes! Ow!
"My eyes! Ow!"
Archer
I learned I don't like being bait.
"I learned I don't like being bait."
Archer
And in return, did they hand you a signed receipt for the prisoner?
"And in return, did they hand you a signed receipt for the prisoner?"
Archer
PAM: You'll never take me alive!
"PAM: You'll never take me alive!"
Archer
--Excellence.
"--Excellence."
Archer
ARCHER: Come on, Cyril, beat it. Get out of here.
"ARCHER: Come on, Cyril, beat it. Get out of here."
Archer
This meeting is for field agents only.
"This meeting is for field agents only."
Archer
Which brings me to item one.
"Which brings me to item one."
Archer
We don't have enough field agents to effectively run our covert operations...
"We don't have enough field agents to effectively run our covert operations..."
Archer
...especially since this one went and got himself paralyzed.
"...especially since this one went and got himself paralyzed."
Archer
MALORY: More like "Ms."
"MALORY: More like "Ms.""
Archer
Anyway, effective immediately, I'm promoting Cyril to field agent.
"Anyway, effective immediately, I'm promoting Cyril to field agent."
Archer
ALL: What? That sounds great. Best of luck.
"ALL: What? That sounds great. Best of luck."
Archer
Where are you going?
"Where are you going?"
Archer
Get back in here.
"Get back in here."
Archer
Mother, the chevrons are locking.
"Mother, the chevrons are locking."
Archer
And Cyril is utterly, laughably unqualified to be a field agent.
"And Cyril is utterly, laughably unqualified to be a field agent."
Archer
Some offense. Uh, some taken.
"Some offense. Uh, some taken."
Archer
And you've already given Cyril some training.
"And you've already given Cyril some training."
Archer
Which ended with a dead hooker in my trunk.
"Which ended with a dead hooker in my trunk."
Archer
No, it didn't. it easily could have.
"No, it didn't. it easily could have."
Archer
Malory, you can't just--
"Malory, you can't just--"
Archer
You're taking me out of the field?
"You're taking me out of the field?"
Archer
Well, unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart.
"Well, unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart."
Archer
This is Romén Calzado, the notorious Colombian drug lord.
"This is Romén Calzado, the notorious Colombian drug lord."
Archer
And hopefully an infusion of much-needed capital.
"And hopefully an infusion of much-needed capital."
Archer
Since when are we bounty hunters?
"Since when are we bounty hunters?"
Archer
Since the DEA's budget was gutted by all those federal spending cutbacks.
"Since the DEA's budget was gutted by all those federal spending cutbacks."
Archer
The most efficient way to decrease the budget deficit...
"The most efficient way to decrease the budget deficit..."
Archer
...is to increase tax revenue, through, um...
"...is to increase tax revenue, through, um..."
Archer
Cyril, don't make me regret this decision.
"Cyril, don't make me regret this decision."
Archer
...you wouldn't be spouting that socialist propaganda.
"...you wouldn't be spouting that socialist propaganda."
Archer
What are you talking about? The reward is a million dollars!
"What are you talking about? The reward is a million dollars!"
Archer
Who cares? Seriously?
"Who cares? Seriously?"
Archer
Oh, my God. No, they won't...
"Oh, my God. No, they won't..."
Archer
...because it'll be in the ISIS bank account.
"...because it'll be in the ISIS bank account."
Archer
Because you're going to get Calzado, dead or alive.
"Because you're going to get Calzado, dead or alive."
Archer
Cyril, dress appropriately. You'll be helicoptering into the jungle.
"Cyril, dress appropriately. You'll be helicoptering into the jungle."
Archer
Cool. Oh, and this whole thing reminds me.
"Cool. Oh, and this whole thing reminds me."
Archer
Pam, 9 a.m. Friday morning, all ISIS employees will take a drug test.
"Pam, 9 a.m. Friday morning, all ISIS employees will take a drug test."
Archer
PAM : Okay.
"PAM : Okay."
Archer
Transform.
"Transform."
Archer
Ugh.
"Ugh."
Archer
Last week it was freestyling.
"Last week it was freestyling."
Archer
Where we are right now, in 24 hours. And you better be here!
"Where we are right now, in 24 hours. And you better be here!"
Archer
What a dick.
"What a dick."
Archer
Well, he's probably just under a lot of stress...
"Well, he's probably just under a lot of stress..."
Archer
...since he's our only way out of this stupid jungle, dumb-ass.
"...since he's our only way out of this stupid jungle, dumb-ass."
Archer
CYRIL: Seriously. Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.
"CYRIL: Seriously. Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt."
Archer
Ms. Archer said dress for the tropics.
"Ms. Archer said dress for the tropics."
Archer
Uh, Heckle, Jeckle, between us and Calzado's fortified compound...
"Uh, Heckle, Jeckle, between us and Calzado's fortified compound..."
Archer
So shut your dickholes, get your gear, shut up again, and start walking.
"So shut your dickholes, get your gear, shut up again, and start walking."
Archer
Any questions?
"Any questions?"
Archer
Cyril.
"Cyril."
Archer
What's a "klick"? Ugh.
"What's a "klick"? Ugh."
Archer
I'm assuming it's a sound of some sort. CHERYL: Nuh-uh!
"I'm assuming it's a sound of some sort. CHERYL: Nuh-uh!"
Archer
Swear to God, first thing Friday morning, we all gotta pee in a cup.
"Swear to God, first thing Friday morning, we all gotta pee in a cup."
Archer
Which I can't even do, y'all.
"Which I can't even do, y'all."
Archer
I guess I brought it back from Jamaica, but--
"I guess I brought it back from Jamaica, but--"
Archer
No, stupid. All drugs.
"No, stupid. All drugs."
Archer
Oh, shit.
"Oh, shit."
Archer
I call them groovy bears.
"I call them groovy bears."
Archer