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Clips from Archer - The Rock (S01E01)

"I learned that flammable and inflammable mean the same thing."
Archer
"Damn it. So I poisoned like, five innocent security guards?"
Archer
"- So? - So that's good for them."
Archer
"- And why do you have it? - Because I..."
Archer
"...am gonna ask Lana to marry me."
Archer
"- Ha! - Ha."
Archer
"- The important thing is, they're loaded. - Just shitfaced."
Archer
"you won't even pay ISIS..."
Archer
"Those monies will go to medical care for the palace guards they poisoned."
Archer
"- And as for hiring ODIN... - ODIN?"
Archer
"You look just as supple..."
Archer
"- Where, in a wax museum? - Sterling!"
Archer
"- You said it was the nose of a Caesar. - Ehh..."
Archer
"this is the last time you make me out a fool, Len Trexler."
Archer
"I'm so sorry I slammed you in the gut. Jeez, that's how Houdini died."
Archer
"Why do you always say that? And that's the thing."
Archer
"Just one of like, two dozen equally appalling videos on your website."
Archer
"- And have I blabbed about you and Cheryl? - She keeps seducing me."
Archer
"- Cyril, look at it. - But I spent two months' salary."
Archer
"- I know. But you make shit. - Hey, I'm doing pretty well, thank you."
Archer
"I take home shit."
Archer
"What's my father ever done that's so great?"
Archer
"School superintendent? Big whoop."
Archer
"There's only like 800 kids in the entire county."
Archer
"Yeah. I'll get the raise I deserve."
Archer
"Carol? Carol?"
Archer
"- Heh. A freaking hobbit works here? - No. He's just a..."
Archer
"They're called little people, not hobbits."
Archer
"of how underpaid the ISIS support staff really is."
Archer
"Yeah, fed full of muffins and denial."
Archer
"What's your problem, neck bones?"
Archer
"so I have to make my own tampons."
Archer
"But if we unite, we can put a stop to it."
Archer
"I don't know how or why we'd use them."
Archer
"- How? Nobody knows why we're striking. - Well, we can't say "Hey, right upstairs..."
Archer
"And Pam, Krieger, Carol. All the..."
Archer
"Drones. They're not picketing the cleaners, they're picketing ISIS."
Archer
"- Screw that. - Yeah, what's with all the bottles?"
Archer
"Lousy commies! Go back to Quebec!"
Archer
"- This is not that moment. - And we don't talk to management."
Archer
"- Or ham-fisted whores. - What?"
Archer
"On you? Hey, we're out there risking our lives every..."
Archer
"- Many of the days. - And so, yes, we get paid a little more."
Archer
"- Thank you, Pam. Now look, Lana... - Baby, "Take Charge" Cyril..."
Archer
"- Vital mission? - Not on the master clipboard."
Archer
"Because if they don't steal me that huge diamond..."
Archer
"If that salad isn't open in the next..."
Archer
"Hey, Cyril."
Archer
"- A jillion gay little copycats. - What?"
Archer
"Don't think these goggles were properly calibrated."
Archer
"- It's just a cost-of-living adjustment. It's strong-arm robbery."
Archer
"Come on, Ms. Archer. You've been in there ten hours."
Archer
"Yeah, that is a huge win-win for me."
Archer
"Oh, yes. That is not something..."
Archer
"- Naked or not. - Well, don't keep saying it."
Archer
"Shit. - Now we got her."
Archer
"- You've got nothing! - No code-cloner, no GPS. Argh!"
Archer
"- We've got no thermal imaging. - Lana..."
Archer
"Machines are gonna fail. Then the system's gonna fail..."
Archer
"- Shh! - He did his own stunts!"
Archer
"Keep your freaking voice... Aah!"
Archer
"What? No, carry me, monster-hands."
Archer
"Shut up. I'm trying to get us an evac but nobody's answer..."
Archer
"Uh, we need the sat-com link to do that."
Archer
"into his HUD."
Archer
"Which I will do with these cell phones."
Archer
"Holy shit, you geeks are bad-ass."
Archer
"We couldn't have done it without an electrical insulator."
Archer
"Get my son out of there. What the hell are you people waiting for?"
Archer
"- A goddamn cost-of-living adjustment. What?"
Archer
"So, what's it gonna be, you harpy?"
Archer
"Where? The People's Republic of Canada?"
Archer
"And you can have your dick son back."
Archer
"What's going on? I hear a helicopter."
Archer
"Roger that, Zebra Two. Hey, the helo's got them. They're safe."
Archer
"Hooray. Way to go."
Archer
"Forget the eye bandage, but the hair, the strong jaw line."
Archer
"- Say it. - Don't make me do that."
Archer
"No! Not in Deliverance. Ha, ha."
Archer
"Right?"
Archer
"Shh!"
Archer
"Shh!"
Archer
"- Ugh. Why the hell is your phone on? - Because I have a social life."
Archer
"- Hello? Why the hell is your phone on?"
Archer
"Because I have a... Why did you call?"
Archer
"- Because this is important. - Micromanagitis."
Archer
"If we show San Marino the flaws in their palace security..."
Archer
"And I'm sure I don't need to remind you..."
Archer
"that we haven't gotten one of these jobs since your Uffizi fiasco."
Archer
"And yet, you always do."
Archer
"Because you learned nothing from it."
Archer
"- Wait, what? - Well, this time make sure you..."
Archer
"Mother. Oh, my God, we've been spotted they're shooting at us. Oh, my..."
Archer
"- Heh. Bet she's freaking out right now. - Oh, my God."
Archer
"What shade is that? Crack Whore Red?"
Archer
"- You said they were tranquilizer darts. - Ah, I merely implied that."
Archer
"Would you relax? I'm pretty sure San Marino has universal health care."
Archer
"Because there's gonna be some neurological damage."
Archer
"- Oh, my. Lana. - Wow, that is one serious diamond."
Archer
"But is it supposed to be brown?"
Archer
"- That color is called champagne. - Mm-hm."
Archer
"And you're gonna give her that if she says no?"
Archer
"Like a big "screw you in your big Lincoln-Loggy fingers"?"
Archer
"The last thing you hear me say is, "Oh, my God, they're shooting at us"..."
Archer
"and you don't even call me back? - Well..."
Archer
"I knew you weren't in any real danger."
Archer
"You know, with Lana there."
Archer
"And let's just knock off the giggling."
Archer
"I want game-faces on those heads for our conference call with the prince."
Archer
"- I thought he was a captain regent. - Oh, whatever."
Archer
"All of San Marino could fit in the South Bronx."
Archer
"all that Schützie. And holy shit, did I honk down a bunch of absinthe?"
Archer
"I don't know Pam, but could you lower your voice?"
Archer
"I must have. Cause I hallucinated you had an engagement..."
Archer
"Not. Another. Word."
Archer
"- And just what is this, I ask you. - Hello, Cheryl."
Archer
"Cyril. Are you cheating on me?"
Archer
"- I'm not? - Not like that."
Archer
"You gotta slug her in the diaphragm with a forearm shiver."
Archer
"- Oh. That's good to know. Heh. - Do it."
Archer
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