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Clips from Archer - Motherless Child (S07E07)

"What? Are you shitting me?"
Archer
"You say "bulletproof?""
Archer
"You think I'm gonna be that dumb? Oh, my God."
Archer
"Bet you're surprised to see me though, huh?"
Archer
"The-- Wait, are you invisible now?"
Archer
"Yes, dickhole, I clank! Happy?"
Archer
"Yes, Archer, I do. And that alone"
Archer
"and I always felt like I was missing a big piece of,"
Archer
"not me, necessarily, but the me I could've been, ya know?"
Archer
"just maybe, we could find him."
Archer
"Hey, dummy."
Archer
"You know, like the old-timey Superman mov--"
Archer
"Well, you say that... Archer."
Archer
"Pam, shut up!"
Archer
"Mother? She can't hear you."
Archer
"Mother! Still can't hear you."
Archer
"Carol? She's about ten feet below that."
Archer
"What? What is that?"
Archer
"Wait, how did you do all this since just last night?"
Archer
"Oww! Seriously."
Archer
"Good, because just to reiterate..."
Archer
"Phrasing, boom."
Archer
"your birth mother's name... No."
Archer
"No, Creepy Spice, I used chloroform."
Archer
"Aw. Yeah, her husband didn't even wake up."
Archer
"Do I need to mess with "program"?"
Archer
"we need to basically hack into the state's vital records database,"
Archer
"Oh, okay, but my larger, sort of overall concern"
Archer
"What is taking so long?"
Archer
"What? Why do you think?"
Archer
"To crack the password we need"
Archer
"Sweet Jesus Metal Christ! Whoa, my God!"
Archer
"What's the matter? C'mon, Lana."
Archer
"Wait, what? Yeah, dude,"
Archer
"Way back! When he was, ya know..."
Archer
"crammed in the fusebox as it is."
Archer
"Worst case, an innocent migrant farmhand"
Archer
"Hm. Maybe a hint of diesel?"
Archer
"Doesn't help much, that could be anywhere."
Archer
"Although "anywhere" usually has some kind of sounds."
Archer
"Traffic, birds, a train. Here there's just nothing."
Archer
"But what kind of sick, twisted, bastard..."
Archer
"Okay, so now what, now what?"
Archer
"which I think might be turning septic,"
Archer
"Okay, Jesus, go to the bathroom."
Archer
"But the KGB built him. I'm sure all his circuits are shielded."
Archer
"Okay, that doesn't sound right. It's not."
Archer
"two pounds of pennies jammed in the fusebox?"
Archer
"like the dimmer switch in the bullpen,"
Archer
"Well, A, I don't think he even has an asshole, not that I was looking,"
Archer
"I-- Transgendered frogs!"
Archer
"I knew that was coming."
Archer
"Well, Ray, a machine is like a desert."
Archer
"Really? What? Yes!"
Archer
"on my vagina."
Archer
"you could probably paint that on the wall."
Archer
"Well, you guys were all pretty sweaty,"
Archer
"It also means potentially dangerous eye-strain"
Archer
"So why don't you go over there and turn up that dimmer?"
Archer
"Carol, no! Don't touch that dimmer! Wait a minute..."
Archer
"If I was electrocuted, how the hell were you gonna find your mother?"
Archer
"So there were a couple of holes!"
Archer
"Shut up! Well, guess what!"
Archer
"Hey, whoa! Calm down!"
Archer
"Yeah."
Archer
"Tammy Jo Stamps, age 16."
Archer
"And she's still alive, you guys!"
Archer
"You got what you wanted!"
Archer
"Just go!"
Archer
"What the shit, Krieger?"
Archer
"I mean... Or Gillette?"
Archer
"The poor man's Frank Langella?"
Archer
"Oh my God, I am."
Archer
"- Wish me luck, friends! - Good luck."
Archer
"Thanks, guys!"
Archer
"Nothing? Nope."
Archer
"I learned that the cabinet"
Archer
"Oh, shit! I hope Mother's okay."
Archer
"Yeah, there ya go, get on up in here."
Archer
"Ahem, your hand seems to be on my thigh."
Archer
"And I'm just hopin'"
Archer
"it could've been quite flattering, so..."
Archer
"Je ne sais quoi. Exactement. Ciao!"
Archer
"I got-- Huh? I dunno, ask her."
Archer
"I gotta drive my automobile, on road!"
Archer
"Pfff, see about this bullshit."
Archer
"Hey! Yeah, that's the ol' pepper!"
Archer
"Take me to my house that I live in!"
Archer
"Do you smell that?"
Archer
"Uh, I did not, actually."
Archer
"Matter of fact, I can't smell anything."
Archer
"Archer. Wha--?"
Archer
"Barry? Hey, dummy."
Archer
"Bulletproof."
Archer
"You can't tell, can you?"
Archer
"Yes, I am, Barry, because I blew your ass up"
Archer
"Yeah, Archer, I remember."
Archer
"Every time I look in the goddamn mirror!"
Archer
"No, you idiot!"
Archer
"I'm just a walking titanium endoskeleton."
Archer
"Oh. So, do you clank, or-- Oww!"
Archer
"I mean-- Well, I'm not! And ya wanna know why?"
Archer
"Because, not even in this order,"
Archer
"you shot me, shattered both my femurs,"
Archer
"cornholed both my fiancées, got me turned into a robot,"
Archer
"left me to die in outer frickin' space!"
Archer
"And also blew me up in a grain elevator!"
Archer
"Oh my God, Framboise! Remember her?"
Archer
"But that is not why I came to L.A."
Archer
"Well, if it was to see the Aztecs play, I got some bad news."
Archer
"And then I saw this little guy."
Archer
"I can't believe you're a private eye."
Archer
"Well, it's better than driving a cab!"
Archer
"I don't drive a cab, super sleuth!"
Archer
"This is just a ruse. I clamped your car."
Archer
"I wanna hire you! I--"
Archer
"but I grew up in an orphanage. I never met my mother,"
Archer
"And maybe I brought some of this on myself,"
Archer
"Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay!"
Archer
"Barry, oh man, I mean how could it occur to you"
Archer
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