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Clips from Archer - Training Day (S01E01)

"Malory Archer. Ho."
Archer
"Lord Feltchley, may I present Miss Lana Kane?"
Archer
"Okay, that's kidskin you're slobbering on, so..."
Archer
"Glad to hear it. Whoever you are."
Archer
"Feltchley, you dirty Sassenach."
Archer
"I don't mean the health plan."
Archer
"you saw how she looked at Sterling last night."
Archer
"- Like Archer. - Exactly."
Archer
"He's already been briefed."
Archer
"But only on the "what," mind you, not the "why.""
Archer
"No sense telling him it's about Lana..."
Archer
"plan. - Right. I think. Oh."
Archer
"You just concentrate on your training."
Archer
"And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons."
Archer
"They're loaded and ready to go?"
Archer
"I'm sure it's not the first time you kept a secret from Lana."
Archer
"Uh... Hello. Herpes?"
Archer
"- So ditch this. - Hey, that's..."
Archer
"Ow! Jesus. - My dead mom's pen."
Archer
"- Wait a minute. - But be careful."
Archer
"It's all the HSA switchover crap."
Archer
"I think "somewhere" was the "what" there."
Archer
"Inevitable for a serial workplace-dater."
Archer
"Did she just race-card me, or are you totally just gay for her?"
Archer
"- I forgot about the DD-14s. - Screw them."
Archer
"- That, well, that would be... - That would be Jane who did that."
Archer
"Okay, so, human intelligence entails?"
Archer
"active doubles, passive doubles, dangled moles..."
Archer
"- That sounds like a lot to cover. - Yeah, so we may have to gloss over..."
Archer
"Oh."
Archer
"- What's this? - Well, see..."
Archer
"you know Scatterbrain Jane. Heh-heh."
Archer
"You getting a snack?"
Archer
"- In your job. - Sure."
Archer
"- So will I need sweatpants? - Cyril. You need all new clothes."
Archer
"- Speaking of fruit, sir. - Oh, sorry. Heh-heh."
Archer
"It's a Chekhov. Russian-made."
Archer
"Here's room service. Who ordered champagne?"
Archer
"You're baked, can't remember."
Archer
"Since when does it take three huge, surly Jamaican guys..."
Archer
"Everybody's personal medical records."
Archer
"- No, we can't be looking at this. Are there snacks?"
Archer
"Cyril tried to get his plan to cover a penis ensmallment?"
Archer
"I bet she, uh... Oh."
Archer
"What's the matter, baby? Afraid you'll catch something?"
Archer
"- Gosh, yeah. - Now that's not so bad, is it?"
Archer
"Bet this seems pretty weird."
Archer
"Hey, can you two focus? Please? Woodhouse. Are you ready, or what?"
Archer
"- Like, actually shoot the gun? Then."
Archer
"Tango, tango, tango. Scan the ballroom of the Cuban embassy..."
Archer
"and threat. Woodhouse. - Yes."
Archer
"- Aah! - Shoot, bitch. Democracy's at stake."
Archer
"- Whoa. - Way to go, baby. You hit it."
Archer
"Yeah. I did, didn't I?"
Archer
"Sorry, Trinette, did that hurt?"
Archer
"- Ha. - Oh. Oh."
Archer
"Me neither."
Archer
"You getting a tampon?"
Archer
"And also woefully esoteric."
Archer
"I don't know what I'll do, but it will be bad."
Archer
"You are a bitch."
Archer
"Because I don't want Sterling to end up with a woman like Lana Kane?"
Archer
"- You made up the last part, didn't you? - I did, sir."
Archer
"Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one who killed a perfectly good hooker."
Archer
"You..."
Archer
"against you, and your mother, and ISIS, and..."
Archer
"- Your confederates in Operation Butthole. - Cyril."
Archer
"- Those aren't my confederates. - Well, nice try..."
Archer
"- You hear that? I ain't buying it. - Cyril."
Archer
"Are you feeling ready to buy?"
Archer
"To Scatterbrain Jane."
Archer
"- That's because no one likes you. - What?"
Archer
"- But yeah, basically. - So do something."
Archer
"So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting."
Archer
"They're on their way to the morgue?"
Archer
"- Great. - Archer, what am I gonna tell her?"
Archer
"Why on earth would you lie to me?"
Archer
"right after I caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a hooker in the trunk?"
Archer
"interracial porno in there."
Archer
"Inject me with some crazy spy poison?"
Archer
"- It was just a harmless tranquilizer. - You shitass."
Archer
"- Ow! - I never. Give me your wallet."
Archer
"File a customer service complaint. I'm sure Popeye'd love to hear it."
Archer
"- Oh. Give me your watch. - You know how much this thing costs?"
Archer
"You get more beautiful every time I see you."
Archer
"- Oh-ho-ho, Gussy. - Minx."
Archer
"You'll be the death of me yet. But if I die..."
Archer
"let it be with the name of this dusky jewel upon my lips."
Archer
"Yes, you bloody well may."
Archer
"So nice to, uh... Wow."
Archer
"Okay."
Archer
"Wouldn't want to offend that boyfriend of yours, eh, wot?"
Archer
"No offense taken, Your Lordship."
Archer
"Cyril Figgis, ISIS Comptroller."
Archer
"- And also my... - Boyfriend."
Archer
"- Person I'm dating. - No, he isn't."
Archer
"- We date. - No, you don't."
Archer
"- Ha. - No, no, no."
Archer
"Your man's a rakish chap. Air of mystery, chiseled good looks?"
Archer
"- Oh, I think maybe you mean my ex? - Oh."
Archer
"- Archer. - Archer, exactly just."
Archer
"And if memory serves, not only handsome, but also..."
Archer
"A secret agent."
Archer
"That's what I am. And I shouldn't even be saying that..."
Archer
"but you have a certain thickness about you..."
Archer
"I find your drunkenness very unappealing..."
Archer
"I am drunk or I wouldn't be talking to you."
Archer
"- So if you'll please excuse me. - Hey, come on. Don't be like that."
Archer
"Free Irishmen will never bow down before the English crown."
Archer
"That was totally ninja."
Archer
"Yeah, if you're..."
Archer
"into that. Hmm? - Lana?"
Archer
"- Hon? Hello? - Huh? Hey."
Archer
"- What's up, buddy? - Ugh. Nothing."
Archer
"Oh, dear."
Archer
"Good show, Archer. Really saved my bacon there."
Archer
"Hey, come on. You know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon."
Archer
"- I love you, Santa Claus. - What?"
Archer
"I do."
Archer
"Cyril, we've got big problems."
Archer
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