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Clips from Archer - Animation (S05E05)

Short Films 2009 Season 5, Episode 5 7 min 313 clips
Short Sport Documentary
- hush. Cherlene? - I don't know. I guess.
"- hush. Cherlene? - I don't know. I guess."
Archer
- wonderful. - All right. When is it?
"- wonderful. - All right. When is it?"
Archer
Tapes tomorrow night, but we should leave today. I don't want you
"Tapes tomorrow night, but we should leave today. I don't want you"
Archer
- flying the same day you're performing. - Oh, don't worry about that.
"- flying the same day you're performing. - Oh, don't worry about that."
Archer
- Well, but... - Because Cherlene don't fly.
"- Well, but... - Because Cherlene don't fly."
Archer
- space shuttle... - Cyril choke-banged you on a blimp?
"- space shuttle... - Cyril choke-banged you on a blimp?"
Archer
- Oh, come on, we were all thinking it. - What, how are you all
"- Oh, come on, we were all thinking it. - What, how are you all"
Archer
I booked Cherlene on Travis County Limits, and...
"I booked Cherlene on Travis County Limits, and..."
Archer
- But it's tomorrow night and she refuses to fly. - Wait, really?
"- But it's tomorrow night and she refuses to fly. - Wait, really?"
Archer
- that CB McHaul toy truck he wanted for his birthday. - Wha...? He was 30!
"- that CB McHaul toy truck he wanted for his birthday. - Wha...? He was 30!"
Archer
- can't put a price on free advertising. - No, they don't,
"- can't put a price on free advertising. - No, they don't,"
Archer
- and free this isn't. - Exactly. How much are they
"- and free this isn't. - Exactly. How much are they"
Archer
anything. All they do is suck money in. They take our taxes...
"anything. All they do is suck money in. They take our taxes..."
Archer
- This quit being funny two hours ago! - It's not supposed to be funny.
"- This quit being funny two hours ago! - It's not supposed to be funny."
Archer
Well, I guess it would be, if A: I weren't the world's greatest spy.
"Well, I guess it would be, if A: I weren't the world's greatest spy."
Archer
We're talking about Texas. Somebody, somewhere, wants enough
"We're talking about Texas. Somebody, somewhere, wants enough"
Archer
- Jesus, Pam, I was kidding. - Duh, me too, lickbag.
"- Jesus, Pam, I was kidding. - Duh, me too, lickbag."
Archer
Cyril! Goddamn it!
"Cyril! Goddamn it!"
Archer
- I'm-I'm sorry! - What the hell is going on up here?!
"- I'm-I'm sorry! - What the hell is going on up here?!"
Archer
- I don't know how Pam's doing it. - Seriously?
"- I don't know how Pam's doing it. - Seriously?"
Archer
dozen cupcakes, a bunch of truck stops.
"dozen cupcakes, a bunch of truck stops."
Archer
- Wha...? No, lickbag! - It was a reasonable assumption.
"- Wha...? No, lickbag! - It was a reasonable assumption."
Archer
- a chain gang knocking on your back door. - Bikers?
"- a chain gang knocking on your back door. - Bikers?"
Archer
but neither are people who need a roll of quarters to take a shower!
"but neither are people who need a roll of quarters to take a shower!"
Archer
It's not just a shower, it's more communal, like a Japanese onsen, or...
"It's not just a shower, it's more communal, like a Japanese onsen, or..."
Archer
- What the heck are you looking for? - Gun!
"- What the heck are you looking for? - Gun!"
Archer
And I'd love nothing more than to shoot back, Pam,
"And I'd love nothing more than to shoot back, Pam,"
Archer
- For the love of God, just pull over! - Uh, okay.
"- For the love of God, just pull over! - Uh, okay."
Archer
Are you, like, sure you brought it?
"Are you, like, sure you brought it?"
Archer
Okay, so, apparently a big thing at truck stops is a game called craps.
"Okay, so, apparently a big thing at truck stops is a game called craps."
Archer
Yeah, bitch, that's how I roll!
"Yeah, bitch, that's how I roll!"
Archer
- Oh shi... - ...it!
"- Oh shi... - ...it!"
Archer
No? No? No?
"No? No? No?"
Archer
- when I tell her this was all your fault! - Aw, come on, Archer,
"- when I tell her this was all your fault! - Aw, come on, Archer,"
Archer
- And you're lucky I don't have my gun! - And just why the hell don't you?!
"- And you're lucky I don't have my gun! - And just why the hell don't you?!"
Archer
- Oh, come on, please? - I...!
"- Oh, come on, please? - I...!"
Archer
- I-I didn't think I would need it. - You didn't think?!
"- I-I didn't think I would need it. - You didn't think?!"
Archer
kidnapping idea when we have more time, but she still has
"kidnapping idea when we have more time, but she still has"
Archer
- a show in two hours and we've still got... - I think about a hundred miles.
"- a show in two hours and we've still got... - I think about a hundred miles."
Archer
Yeah, you guys chill on the bus.
"Yeah, you guys chill on the bus."
Archer
Good buddy.
"Good buddy."
Archer
Whew! Okay, that's got it.
"Whew! Okay, that's got it."
Archer
- Well, it took you long enough. - Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes
"- Well, it took you long enough. - Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes"
Archer
- Ten-four. - So, I think we may have a problem.
"- Ten-four. - So, I think we may have a problem."
Archer
- Not Pam. - Yay!
"- Not Pam. - Yay!"
Archer
- No! No! Curtain is in ten minutes! - What do you want me to
"- No! No! Curtain is in ten minutes! - What do you want me to"
Archer
Yeah, good, you guys get out of here;
"Yeah, good, you guys get out of here;"
Archer
- without my permission?! Sterling?! - You have to press the button.
"- without my permission?! Sterling?! - You have to press the button."
Archer
I switched the coke in Little Rock, 'cause I was worried that...
"I switched the coke in Little Rock, 'cause I was worried that..."
Archer
- Cherlene wrote a song about us. - What? She didn't write a...
"- Cherlene wrote a song about us. - What? She didn't write a..."
Archer
- That's pretty ironic, huh? - No, Pam, once again you're confusing
"- That's pretty ironic, huh? - No, Pam, once again you're confusing"
Archer
- we drive by is a gun shop! - Oh. Okay, so then what's satire?
"- we drive by is a gun shop! - Oh. Okay, so then what's satire?"
Archer
Nobody really knows! Hang on!
"Nobody really knows! Hang on!"
Archer
- you have coke, Pam. - Well, and the snowballs, but...
"- you have coke, Pam. - Well, and the snowballs, but..."
Archer
And for what it's worth, we all kind of liked you the way you were.
"And for what it's worth, we all kind of liked you the way you were."
Archer
- Pam! - Jeez, okay! But you're gonna owe me!
"- Pam! - Jeez, okay! But you're gonna owe me!"
Archer
Woo-hooo! Thank you!
"Woo-hooo! Thank you!"
Archer
- Outlaw country! Woooooo! - Howdy, Tony Foti, Stringer Records,
"- Outlaw country! Woooooo! - Howdy, Tony Foti, Stringer Records,"
Archer
when y'all are ready to make some gold records. Yee-haw!
"when y'all are ready to make some gold records. Yee-haw!"
Archer
- Wait, what? - Sterling!
"- Wait, what? - Sterling!"
Archer
and we totally got away. So, all set.
"and we totally got away. So, all set."
Archer
- All's well that ends well? - Oh, right.
"- All's well that ends well? - Oh, right."
Archer
- What?! - Pam!
"- What?! - Pam!"
Archer
Okay, specs are all in the green. So, let me just reboot the
"Okay, specs are all in the green. So, let me just reboot the"
Archer
Well? Well, you could've done this weeks ago!
"Well? Well, you could've done this weeks ago!"
Archer
- So it's about goddamn time! - Ooh, hang on a sec?
"- So it's about goddamn time! - Ooh, hang on a sec?"
Archer
- for once again giving me the precious gift of legs. - You're welcome.
"- for once again giving me the precious gift of legs. - You're welcome."
Archer
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to remove my underwear with a blowtorch.
"Now, if you will excuse me, I need to remove my underwear with a blowtorch."
Archer
- Cherlene! - Ow! God! Come on!
"- Cherlene! - Ow! God! Come on!"
Archer
Airplane air is so dry, plus you're breathing in God knows
"Airplane air is so dry, plus you're breathing in God knows"
Archer
what those tuberculars in coach are... Excuse me?!
"what those tuberculars in coach are... Excuse me?!"
Archer
- I don't fly. - I... but-but I've seen you fly.
"- I don't fly. - I... but-but I've seen you fly."
Archer
- so goddamn loud? - Could you not find a punch bowl?
"- so goddamn loud? - Could you not find a punch bowl?"
Archer
- Is that like...? - It's comparable!
"- Is that like...? - It's comparable!"
Archer
So you've only got 24 hours to drive to Texas?
"So you've only got 24 hours to drive to Texas?"
Archer
- Well, 36 but... - But after we get a bus
"- Well, 36 but... - But after we get a bus"
Archer
- Archer? - Lana!
"- Archer? - Lana!"
Archer
Sterling! What are you talking about?
"Sterling! What are you talking about?"
Archer
understand his idiotic fascination with all this Burt Reynolds
"understand his idiotic fascination with all this Burt Reynolds"
Archer
- Smokey trucker nonsense. - I think part of it is because you didn't get him
"- Smokey trucker nonsense. - I think part of it is because you didn't get him"
Archer
- And words fail me. I have no words. - How about
"- And words fail me. I have no words. - How about"
Archer
- How about a Jacuzzi, bitches? Woooooo! - You know what they say...
"- How about a Jacuzzi, bitches? Woooooo! - You know what they say..."
Archer
- paying Cherlene? - It's public television, they don't pay
"- paying Cherlene? - It's public television, they don't pay"
Archer
Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes it all in with their huge N.E.A. grants,
"Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes it all in with their huge N.E.A. grants,"
Archer
- out to pro-abortion, super-PACs! - Still no words.
"- out to pro-abortion, super-PACs! - Still no words."
Archer
- Lana, you're riding with me. - In what?
"- Lana, you're riding with me. - In what?"
Archer
- The what? - Okay, first of all...
"- The what? - Okay, first of all..."
Archer
- How much did that cost? - Well, again, it's advertising, so...
"- How much did that cost? - Well, again, it's advertising, so..."
Archer
- God. - And where are you going?
"- God. - And where are you going?"
Archer
Well, speaking for the tiny, delicate life blossoming inside me, nowhere in
"Well, speaking for the tiny, delicate life blossoming inside me, nowhere in"
Archer
snappy dialogue with me, underscored by sexual attraction?
"snappy dialogue with me, underscored by sexual attraction?"
Archer
I'm so angry right now I can't even...
"I'm so angry right now I can't even..."
Archer
Oh, goddamn it! Did you fart in that?
"Oh, goddamn it! Did you fart in that?"
Archer
- Are you ever? - She said, single and
"- Are you ever? - She said, single and"
Archer
Well, Krieger said he needed Ray's help on some sort of project.
"Well, Krieger said he needed Ray's help on some sort of project."
Archer
So shut up and drive the damn bus!
"So shut up and drive the damn bus!"
Archer
Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about Cherlene getting a record deal.
"Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about Cherlene getting a record deal."
Archer
- Right, and your 10 percent of it. - Or 50 or whatever.
"- Right, and your 10 percent of it. - Or 50 or whatever."
Archer
Who are you, Colonel Mom Parker?
"Who are you, Colonel Mom Parker?"
Archer
- Nothing? - Meh.
"- Nothing? - Meh."
Archer
And not that I care what any of you think, about anything, but I lost everything
"And not that I care what any of you think, about anything, but I lost everything"
Archer
who, unbelievably, is even worse at this than at spying.
"who, unbelievably, is even worse at this than at spying."
Archer
Hey, so... yeah, hi, uh, I think maybe somebody's
"Hey, so... yeah, hi, uh, I think maybe somebody's"
Archer
holding down the talk-button thingy?
"holding down the talk-button thingy?"
Archer
- Uh... oh! Uh, sorry, Archer. - Exactly the opposite
"- Uh... oh! Uh, sorry, Archer. - Exactly the opposite"
Archer
- of how it works. - What? Oh.
"- of how it works. - What? Oh."
Archer
- Uh, sorry, Archer. - Ten-ten-four, good buddy.
"- Uh, sorry, Archer. - Ten-ten-four, good buddy."
Archer
- Ow! Whose ring is that, the Pope's?! - Ouch!
"- Ow! Whose ring is that, the Pope's?! - Ouch!"
Archer
- Shut up. - Seriously though, I'm sorry you heard
"- Shut up. - Seriously though, I'm sorry you heard"
Archer
her say that. That's got to be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack.
"her say that. That's got to be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack."
Archer
- Eh. - Shut up,
"- Eh. - Shut up,"
Archer
Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire town that wants to commit suicide.
"Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire town that wants to commit suicide."
Archer
Wonder if there's a statewide database of towns with sucky high school
"Wonder if there's a statewide database of towns with sucky high school"
Archer
football teams cross-indexed with towns a black person just moved to.
"football teams cross-indexed with towns a black person just moved to."
Archer
Well, but see if there is one, just
"Well, but see if there is one, just"
Archer
- for shits and giggles. - Um, so, hey, speaking of...
"- for shits and giggles. - Um, so, hey, speaking of..."
Archer
The hat fart was technically a shart?
"The hat fart was technically a shart?"
Archer
- I must've dozed off! - Really? You don't just hate signs?
"- I must've dozed off! - Really? You don't just hate signs?"
Archer
booze, and soft cheeses, I'm also supposed to abstain from bus crashes!
"booze, and soft cheeses, I'm also supposed to abstain from bus crashes!"
Archer
Woooooo!!
"Woooooo!!"
Archer
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