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Clips from Archer - Skorpio (S01E01)

"Locate a stolen shipment of Redeye missiles..."
Archer
"and kill the arms dealer trying to sell them, Spirodon Skorpio."
Archer
"- First of all... - Oh, shut up. The bounty on Skorpio..."
Archer
"You're killing me here. Again? This was supposed to be coconut shrimp."
Archer
"- Why don't you wear a vasectomy? - This again? Don't you want a grandkid?"
Archer
"- Sorry, I've been fasting and I'm edgy. - Still though..."
Archer
"Yes. I really want it."
Archer
"Womp-womp."
Archer
"- Isn't that kind of sudden? - No, baby."
Archer
"after four weeks. - What are you, a lesbian?"
Archer
"- I'm not doing that. - That's a poor motivator."
Archer
"- I'll call or text at the... - I'm gonna be kind of busy, hon."
Archer
"- But even though Cyril may be clingy... - Oh. Saran Wrap could take a lesson."
Archer
"My point is, dear, you can trust Cyril."
Archer
"And you, scuff that luggage, and I'll cut your hamstrings for you."
Archer
"I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in..."
Archer
"which hopefully explains my shock at finding myself..."
Archer
"aboard the Chum Guzzler."
Archer
"- Give it. I'm serious. Give me my phone. - No, get off. Cut it out."
Archer
"- Or... Or... Cyril, come on."
Archer
"What? I said "worst-case.""
Archer
"- It's my phone. Pam put yours in the blender. - Come on."
Archer
"- And you're sure it was Lana? - What was Lana?"
Archer
"- Archer, if anything... - Cyril, relax. I will rescue her."
Archer
"It would be nice to know what kind of danger I'm facing."
Archer
"Come on. I bet Mr. Archer already went all double-oh-ninja on Skorpio's ass."
Archer
"Waa-paah!"
Archer
"Cyril, right this second..."
Archer
"Archer? Hello? He hung up."
Archer
"Oh, my God, I can't breathe."
Archer
"Is just fat dripping from kebabs."
Archer
"- Do you have any KGB agents nearby? - Meh..."
Archer
"And not that it's any of your beeswax, but I did not have sex with Skorpio."
Archer
"of the USS Rough Service?"
Archer
"- What? No. No, you're not. - Yes."
Archer
"this is me, remember?"
Archer
"From the man who used an entire KGB surveillance team..."
Archer
"just to make a sex tape of me?"
Archer
"Ha. And entire KGB art department..."
Archer
"- Um, I guess I've been working out? - Yes, I can see that."
Archer
"Come, my dear. Before the party, I must relax..."
Archer
"Bartleby, the Scrivener? Anybody?"
Archer
"His big, tan, muscle-bulgy arms."
Archer
"- I don't even remember. Exactly. So..."
Archer
"- What are you snorting off me? - It's mostly MSG."
Archer
"And, Cyril, it's a rescue mission, okay?"
Archer
"Mm. I think I have just the thing."
Archer
"- Oh, well, now what? - Ugh."
Archer
"Wait, what?"
Archer
"And, Cyril, ignore her."
Archer
"And what?"
Archer
"- You're my beneficiary! - Your what?"
Archer
"On my company life insurance."
Archer
"Oh, right. Because you walked into Strippers' Discount Warehouse..."
Archer
"and said, "Help me showcase my intellect.""
Archer
"Yes, you're my beneficiary."
Archer
"- Ouch. - But that means... Oh, my God."
Archer
"Damn ass-hammered shit!"
Archer
"- What? - Benefits! I forgot to spend the balance..."
Archer
"How did you forget that?"
Archer
"- Ouch. - Cyril, come on, hon, we all were."
Archer
"So full of shit, your eyes are brown."
Archer
"Get him out of here!"
Archer
"Because these corporate bag-munchers..."
Archer
"for my goddamn flex-account!"
Archer
"- Lana? - Asshole?"
Archer
"You really need to relax."
Archer
"How? My life is ruined. Again."
Archer
"I get to go to the French Riviera on the ISIS dime to do what?"
Archer
"Whoa, what, is diabetes busy?"
Archer
"Don't underestimate Skorpio. There's a reason the bounty on him is so high."
Archer
"That Saltillo tile is terrible for a kitchen because it's so porous."
Archer
"And Mexican whore-house-y. So I'm sure your cook feels at home."
Archer
"- Hey, Pita isn't a whore. - Not until you got a hold of her."
Archer
"is more than enough for a new kitchen... - I also have the nook..."
Archer
"And the rest you can set aside for Pita's inevitable medical expenses."
Archer
"Mr. Sterling? I have problem."
Archer
"I'll pay for it."
Archer
"Again? Seriously, Pita..."
Archer
"One, three times. But it's the Pope's fault she won't let me wear a condom."
Archer
"Well, if I did, I'd just scrape all your previous mishaps into a big pile..."
Archer
"and knit a onesie for it. - Jesus Christ."
Archer
"- Sterling. - Okay. If there's money left..."
Archer
"after the kitchen, then vasectomy maybe."
Archer
"You do want the assignment?"
Archer
"- Yeah, I want it. - You really, really, really want it?"
Archer
"Well, too bad. Because guess what."
Archer
"- Why does she get the mission? - Because I said so."
Archer
"Either way, we have a plane to catch."
Archer
"We? Why are you going?"
Archer
"I'm going to, um, a conference?"
Archer
"Ha! Seriously though, you should look through some of her design catalogs."
Archer
"So, zoom, you're just jetting off to France?"
Archer
"Sudden is wanting to move in with somebody after four months."
Archer
"You know, I mean, jeez, I moved in with my last girlfriend..."
Archer
"Why, would you be into that? Just curious."
Archer
"Which was an odd word choice right there, and am I talking out loud?"
Archer
"Now remember, I want the entire data system on those new servers..."
Archer
"or I will just make it rain pink slips."
Archer
"Lana, I want you to call or text me at the top of every hour."
Archer
"Well, it's all on this schedule."
Archer
"Oh, no, honey. The doors are closing and I didn't get the..."
Archer
"Oh, so close."
Archer
"who micro-manage everything, would it? - What? No, that's not why I'm..."
Archer
"But look, you be careful with Skorpio. He won't hesitate to kill you."
Archer
"- Unless I get smothered to death. - Oh. That's just pathetic."
Archer
"- You used to complain constantly that Sterling was emotionally distant."
Archer
"Yeah, I was just being nice, though."
Archer
"I wonder if he's like that because I used to spank him with a wooden spoon."
Archer
"Uh... Yeah, I don't know about that, but it might explain the ping-pong paddle."
Archer
"Now you go have a fun assassination."
Archer
"Okay, and you go have fun at your thing."
Archer
"Oh, I will. Bye, dear. Did you rent a boat?"
Archer
"Da, is very... Ahem. Pretty nice boat."
Archer
"- We're never gonna finish all this. - We can, if certain people would help."
Archer
"Fort Kickass. - Ugh! Mr. Archer, you could help."
Archer
"Hey, I'm helping Cyril. Text her again."
Archer
"- I am, if you'd shut up. - And really pour out your feelings."
Archer
"- Don't listen to him, he's just trying to... Shut up!"
Archer
"Cyril, bare your soul."
Archer
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