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Clips from Archer - Skorpio (S01E01)

Short Films 1975 Season 1, Episode 6 7 min 383 clips
Short Sport Documentary
Locate a stolen shipment of Redeye missiles...
"Locate a stolen shipment of Redeye missiles..."
Archer
and kill the arms dealer trying to sell them, Spirodon Skorpio.
"and kill the arms dealer trying to sell them, Spirodon Skorpio."
Archer
- First of all... - Oh, shut up. The bounty on Skorpio...
"- First of all... - Oh, shut up. The bounty on Skorpio..."
Archer
You're killing me here. Again? This was supposed to be coconut shrimp.
"You're killing me here. Again? This was supposed to be coconut shrimp."
Archer
- Why don't you wear a vasectomy? - This again? Don't you want a grandkid?
"- Why don't you wear a vasectomy? - This again? Don't you want a grandkid?"
Archer
- Sorry, I've been fasting and I'm edgy. - Still though...
"- Sorry, I've been fasting and I'm edgy. - Still though..."
Archer
Yes. I really want it.
"Yes. I really want it."
Archer
Womp-womp.
"Womp-womp."
Archer
- Isn't that kind of sudden? - No, baby.
"- Isn't that kind of sudden? - No, baby."
Archer
after four weeks. - What are you, a lesbian?
"after four weeks. - What are you, a lesbian?"
Archer
- I'm not doing that. - That's a poor motivator.
"- I'm not doing that. - That's a poor motivator."
Archer
- I'll call or text at the... - I'm gonna be kind of busy, hon.
"- I'll call or text at the... - I'm gonna be kind of busy, hon."
Archer
- But even though Cyril may be clingy... - Oh. Saran Wrap could take a lesson.
"- But even though Cyril may be clingy... - Oh. Saran Wrap could take a lesson."
Archer
My point is, dear, you can trust Cyril.
"My point is, dear, you can trust Cyril."
Archer
And you, scuff that luggage, and I'll cut your hamstrings for you.
"And you, scuff that luggage, and I'll cut your hamstrings for you."
Archer
I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in...
"I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in..."
Archer
which hopefully explains my shock at finding myself...
"which hopefully explains my shock at finding myself..."
Archer
aboard the Chum Guzzler.
"aboard the Chum Guzzler."
Archer
- Give it. I'm serious. Give me my phone. - No, get off. Cut it out.
"- Give it. I'm serious. Give me my phone. - No, get off. Cut it out."
Archer
- Or... Or... Cyril, come on.
"- Or... Or... Cyril, come on."
Archer
What? I said "worst-case."
"What? I said "worst-case.""
Archer
- It's my phone. Pam put yours in the blender. - Come on.
"- It's my phone. Pam put yours in the blender. - Come on."
Archer
- And you're sure it was Lana? - What was Lana?
"- And you're sure it was Lana? - What was Lana?"
Archer
- Archer, if anything... - Cyril, relax. I will rescue her.
"- Archer, if anything... - Cyril, relax. I will rescue her."
Archer
It would be nice to know what kind of danger I'm facing.
"It would be nice to know what kind of danger I'm facing."
Archer
Come on. I bet Mr. Archer already went all double-oh-ninja on Skorpio's ass.
"Come on. I bet Mr. Archer already went all double-oh-ninja on Skorpio's ass."
Archer
Waa-paah!
"Waa-paah!"
Archer
Cyril, right this second...
"Cyril, right this second..."
Archer
Archer? Hello? He hung up.
"Archer? Hello? He hung up."
Archer
Oh, my God, I can't breathe.
"Oh, my God, I can't breathe."
Archer
Is just fat dripping from kebabs.
"Is just fat dripping from kebabs."
Archer
- Do you have any KGB agents nearby? - Meh...
"- Do you have any KGB agents nearby? - Meh..."
Archer
And not that it's any of your beeswax, but I did not have sex with Skorpio.
"And not that it's any of your beeswax, but I did not have sex with Skorpio."
Archer
of the USS Rough Service?
"of the USS Rough Service?"
Archer
- What? No. No, you're not. - Yes.
"- What? No. No, you're not. - Yes."
Archer
this is me, remember?
"this is me, remember?"
Archer
From the man who used an entire KGB surveillance team...
"From the man who used an entire KGB surveillance team..."
Archer
just to make a sex tape of me?
"just to make a sex tape of me?"
Archer
Ha. And entire KGB art department...
"Ha. And entire KGB art department..."
Archer
- Um, I guess I've been working out? - Yes, I can see that.
"- Um, I guess I've been working out? - Yes, I can see that."
Archer
Come, my dear. Before the party, I must relax...
"Come, my dear. Before the party, I must relax..."
Archer
Bartleby, the Scrivener? Anybody?
"Bartleby, the Scrivener? Anybody?"
Archer
His big, tan, muscle-bulgy arms.
"His big, tan, muscle-bulgy arms."
Archer
- I don't even remember. Exactly. So...
"- I don't even remember. Exactly. So..."
Archer
- What are you snorting off me? - It's mostly MSG.
"- What are you snorting off me? - It's mostly MSG."
Archer
And, Cyril, it's a rescue mission, okay?
"And, Cyril, it's a rescue mission, okay?"
Archer
Mm. I think I have just the thing.
"Mm. I think I have just the thing."
Archer
- Oh, well, now what? - Ugh.
"- Oh, well, now what? - Ugh."
Archer
Wait, what?
"Wait, what?"
Archer
And, Cyril, ignore her.
"And, Cyril, ignore her."
Archer
And what?
"And what?"
Archer
- You're my beneficiary! - Your what?
"- You're my beneficiary! - Your what?"
Archer
On my company life insurance.
"On my company life insurance."
Archer
Oh, right. Because you walked into Strippers' Discount Warehouse...
"Oh, right. Because you walked into Strippers' Discount Warehouse..."
Archer
and said, "Help me showcase my intellect."
"and said, "Help me showcase my intellect.""
Archer
Yes, you're my beneficiary.
"Yes, you're my beneficiary."
Archer
- Ouch. - But that means... Oh, my God.
"- Ouch. - But that means... Oh, my God."
Archer
Damn ass-hammered shit!
"Damn ass-hammered shit!"
Archer
- What? - Benefits! I forgot to spend the balance...
"- What? - Benefits! I forgot to spend the balance..."
Archer
How did you forget that?
"How did you forget that?"
Archer
- Ouch. - Cyril, come on, hon, we all were.
"- Ouch. - Cyril, come on, hon, we all were."
Archer
So full of shit, your eyes are brown.
"So full of shit, your eyes are brown."
Archer
Get him out of here!
"Get him out of here!"
Archer
Because these corporate bag-munchers...
"Because these corporate bag-munchers..."
Archer
for my goddamn flex-account!
"for my goddamn flex-account!"
Archer
- Lana? - Asshole?
"- Lana? - Asshole?"
Archer
You really need to relax.
"You really need to relax."
Archer
How? My life is ruined. Again.
"How? My life is ruined. Again."
Archer
I get to go to the French Riviera on the ISIS dime to do what?
"I get to go to the French Riviera on the ISIS dime to do what?"
Archer
Whoa, what, is diabetes busy?
"Whoa, what, is diabetes busy?"
Archer
Don't underestimate Skorpio. There's a reason the bounty on him is so high.
"Don't underestimate Skorpio. There's a reason the bounty on him is so high."
Archer
That Saltillo tile is terrible for a kitchen because it's so porous.
"That Saltillo tile is terrible for a kitchen because it's so porous."
Archer
And Mexican whore-house-y. So I'm sure your cook feels at home.
"And Mexican whore-house-y. So I'm sure your cook feels at home."
Archer
- Hey, Pita isn't a whore. - Not until you got a hold of her.
"- Hey, Pita isn't a whore. - Not until you got a hold of her."
Archer
is more than enough for a new kitchen... - I also have the nook...
"is more than enough for a new kitchen... - I also have the nook..."
Archer
And the rest you can set aside for Pita's inevitable medical expenses.
"And the rest you can set aside for Pita's inevitable medical expenses."
Archer
Mr. Sterling? I have problem.
"Mr. Sterling? I have problem."
Archer
I'll pay for it.
"I'll pay for it."
Archer
Again? Seriously, Pita...
"Again? Seriously, Pita..."
Archer
One, three times. But it's the Pope's fault she won't let me wear a condom.
"One, three times. But it's the Pope's fault she won't let me wear a condom."
Archer
Well, if I did, I'd just scrape all your previous mishaps into a big pile...
"Well, if I did, I'd just scrape all your previous mishaps into a big pile..."
Archer
and knit a onesie for it. - Jesus Christ.
"and knit a onesie for it. - Jesus Christ."
Archer
- Sterling. - Okay. If there's money left...
"- Sterling. - Okay. If there's money left..."
Archer
after the kitchen, then vasectomy maybe.
"after the kitchen, then vasectomy maybe."
Archer
You do want the assignment?
"You do want the assignment?"
Archer
- Yeah, I want it. - You really, really, really want it?
"- Yeah, I want it. - You really, really, really want it?"
Archer
Well, too bad. Because guess what.
"Well, too bad. Because guess what."
Archer
- Why does she get the mission? - Because I said so.
"- Why does she get the mission? - Because I said so."
Archer
Either way, we have a plane to catch.
"Either way, we have a plane to catch."
Archer
We? Why are you going?
"We? Why are you going?"
Archer
I'm going to, um, a conference?
"I'm going to, um, a conference?"
Archer
Ha! Seriously though, you should look through some of her design catalogs.
"Ha! Seriously though, you should look through some of her design catalogs."
Archer
So, zoom, you're just jetting off to France?
"So, zoom, you're just jetting off to France?"
Archer
Sudden is wanting to move in with somebody after four months.
"Sudden is wanting to move in with somebody after four months."
Archer
You know, I mean, jeez, I moved in with my last girlfriend...
"You know, I mean, jeez, I moved in with my last girlfriend..."
Archer
Why, would you be into that? Just curious.
"Why, would you be into that? Just curious."
Archer
Which was an odd word choice right there, and am I talking out loud?
"Which was an odd word choice right there, and am I talking out loud?"
Archer
Now remember, I want the entire data system on those new servers...
"Now remember, I want the entire data system on those new servers..."
Archer
or I will just make it rain pink slips.
"or I will just make it rain pink slips."
Archer
Lana, I want you to call or text me at the top of every hour.
"Lana, I want you to call or text me at the top of every hour."
Archer
Well, it's all on this schedule.
"Well, it's all on this schedule."
Archer
Oh, no, honey. The doors are closing and I didn't get the...
"Oh, no, honey. The doors are closing and I didn't get the..."
Archer
Oh, so close.
"Oh, so close."
Archer
who micro-manage everything, would it? - What? No, that's not why I'm...
"who micro-manage everything, would it? - What? No, that's not why I'm..."
Archer
But look, you be careful with Skorpio. He won't hesitate to kill you.
"But look, you be careful with Skorpio. He won't hesitate to kill you."
Archer
- Unless I get smothered to death. - Oh. That's just pathetic.
"- Unless I get smothered to death. - Oh. That's just pathetic."
Archer
- You used to complain constantly that Sterling was emotionally distant.
"- You used to complain constantly that Sterling was emotionally distant."
Archer
Yeah, I was just being nice, though.
"Yeah, I was just being nice, though."
Archer
I wonder if he's like that because I used to spank him with a wooden spoon.
"I wonder if he's like that because I used to spank him with a wooden spoon."
Archer
Uh... Yeah, I don't know about that, but it might explain the ping-pong paddle.
"Uh... Yeah, I don't know about that, but it might explain the ping-pong paddle."
Archer
Now you go have a fun assassination.
"Now you go have a fun assassination."
Archer
Okay, and you go have fun at your thing.
"Okay, and you go have fun at your thing."
Archer
Oh, I will. Bye, dear. Did you rent a boat?
"Oh, I will. Bye, dear. Did you rent a boat?"
Archer
Da, is very... Ahem. Pretty nice boat.
"Da, is very... Ahem. Pretty nice boat."
Archer
- We're never gonna finish all this. - We can, if certain people would help.
"- We're never gonna finish all this. - We can, if certain people would help."
Archer
Fort Kickass. - Ugh! Mr. Archer, you could help.
"Fort Kickass. - Ugh! Mr. Archer, you could help."
Archer
Hey, I'm helping Cyril. Text her again.
"Hey, I'm helping Cyril. Text her again."
Archer
- I am, if you'd shut up. - And really pour out your feelings.
"- I am, if you'd shut up. - And really pour out your feelings."
Archer
- Don't listen to him, he's just trying to... Shut up!
"- Don't listen to him, he's just trying to... Shut up!"
Archer
Cyril, bare your soul.
"Cyril, bare your soul."
Archer
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