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Clips from Archer - Best Friends (S11E11)

"‐ So I said, "If a robot can feel pain,"
Archer
"I'm gonna make him feel pain.""
Archer
"‐ I totally get that."
Archer
"‐ Why am I carrying all the bags?"
Archer
"‐ [clears throat]"
Archer
"[with British accent] Welcome home, sir."
Archer
"‐ Thank you, polite intruder."
Archer
"I'm gonna shoot you now."
Archer
"‐ And you are welcome to do so, sir."
Archer
"I'm Aleister, your new valet."
Archer
"‐ Surprise! [laughs]"
Archer
"We picked him for you after a trial by fire."
Archer
"And lasers."
Archer
"‐ And now these bags are his problem."
Archer
"‐ You are aware that all my other valets"
Archer
"were spectacular failures, right?"
Archer
"‐ Two are still in the hospital."
Archer
"‐ One. They moved Cornelius to a hospice."
Archer
"‐ Perhaps a drink will help us break the ice."
Archer
"‐ A daiquiri?"
Archer
"Uh, one chance to impress,"
Archer
"and you're going with the drink"
Archer
"of sad writers and stupid teenagers?"
Archer
"Holy shit. That is good."
Archer
"‐ Good? I'd swim in this."
Archer
"- I'll fill the tub. - And then fill me."
Archer
"With drinks!"
Archer
"Or, you know, whatever."
Archer
"‐ Will there be anything else, sir?"
Archer
"‐ Do you know who you're replacing?"
Archer
"Woodhouse, the greatest, most subservient valet"
Archer
"to ever shuffle his weary frame across this planet."
Archer
"Do you really think you can outshine him"
Archer
"in being abused by me?"
Archer
"‐ I welcome your evaluation, sir."
Archer
"‐ Okay, favorite grade of cashmere?"
Archer
"‐ Grade A sheared Mongolian goat."
Archer
"‐ How would you press a tweed suit?"
Archer
"‐ I'd press it into a trash can."
Archer
"‐ How should I rub sand into your eyes"
Archer
"for maximum discomfort?"
Archer
"‐ Excellent question, sir."
Archer
"Start coarse, moving to finer grits,"
Archer
"ending with the black sands of Vík í Myrdal, Iceland."
Archer
"‐ Dang. Beach knowledge."
Archer
"‐ Carol, don't interrupt the test."
Archer
"Time for the final exam: a gentlemen's duel."
Archer
"‐ Really feels like you're moving the goalposts."
Archer
"- [chuckles] - I'll do my best, sir."
Archer
"‐ Ha! Parry, parry, riposte!"
Archer
"‐ Capital defense. [both grunt]"
Archer
"‐ Sloppy balestra. You call that a coupé?"
Archer
"‐ No, I call it a coulé."
Archer
"‐ Ha, touché. And touché."
Archer
"You guys, look! It's like we're dancing."
Archer
"‐ Yeah, weird."
Archer
"[dramatic music]"
Archer
"[knee cracks] [Archer groans]"
Archer
"‐ [gasps]"
Archer
"Ha!"
Archer
"‐ Wow. Aleister, you're hired."
Archer
"‐ Thank you, sir."
Archer
"You would've had me if it had not been for the leg."
Archer
"I can suggest some rehabilitation exercises."
Archer
"‐ I'd..."
Archer
"I'd like that."
Archer
"‐ Should we leave?"
Archer
"‐ [inhales] I'm staying."
Archer
"[main title theme]"
Archer
"♪ ♪"
Archer
"‐ Y'all, my cover was blown."
Archer
"I made it into the jungle,"
Archer
"but it's only a matter of time before my‐‐"
Archer
"‐ Attention. Attention, please."
Archer
"- Archer, come on! - What the shit?"
Archer
"‐ Come on. It was just getting good."
Archer
"‐ What, Ray dying in Africa?"
Archer
"‐ For the love of God, Cheryl, call Ray back."
Archer
"‐ Now?"
Archer
"Ugh, fine."
Archer
"‐ Good, now back to me‐‐"
Archer
"‐ Is anyone else worried about Ray?"
Archer
"‐ Is anyone else worried about how Cyril"
Archer
"is constantly in the office?"
Archer
"‐ Hey, I broke my arm on a mission‐‐"
Archer
"‐ I'll break the other one"
Archer
"if you don't shut up for my announcement."
Archer
"Okay, I found the valet who will serve me until my,"
Archer
"or more likely his, death."
Archer
"‐ Wait, so you're not looking for a valet anymore?"
Archer
"[clicks tongue] Excuse me."
Archer
"[dramatic music]"
Archer
"Gentlemen, it's been an honor."
Archer
"[water flushing]"
Archer
"‐ He cleans like ten valets,"
Archer
"he rearranged my entire closet in a way that makes sense,"
Archer
"and I made him eat a bag of potting soil as a test"
Archer
"and he was just like..."
Archer
"[as Aleister] Shall I open another bag, sir?"
Archer
"‐ [laughs] What is that accent?"
Archer
"- It sounds like Boston to me. - Or a speech impediment."
Archer
"‐ It's a normal British voice, all right?"
Archer
"I don't do it that well."
Archer
"[normal voice] Aleister, get in here and show them"
Archer
"your normal British voice."
Archer
"- Sir. - That's my guy!"
Archer
"Guy, gang. Gang, guy."
Archer
"Don't bother trying to look him in the eye."
Archer
"He's an expert at averting his gaze."
Archer
"Aleister, avert."
Archer
"‐ And can we revert to Ray? Seriously, is he okay?"
Archer
"- Probably. - Not."
Archer
"‐ For your leg, sir."
Archer
"I brought your rehabilitation bands to the office"
Archer
"since I know you'll lose all interest at home."
Archer
"‐ He knows my foibles."
Archer
"‐ There's about 30 guys."
Archer
"They got these crazy fish boning knives‐‐"
Archer
"- Damn it, Sterling! - Oh, I forgot the best part."
Archer
"Aleister can make Eggs Woodhouse."
Archer
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