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Clips from Archer - Killing Utne (S01E01)

"- Torvald Utne. The Olympic shot-putter?"
Archer
"Do you not even skim the briefings in your inbox?"
Archer
"gets the insanely lucrative UN contract."
Archer
"the contract has gone to ODIN."
Archer
"- Wait, I had something. - Douche-baggery notwithstanding..."
Archer
"- Gross. ...with a dinner party. Tonight."
Archer
"But this party is different. And very important..."
Archer
"Then we better keep Dr. Bellows away from Jeannie..."
Archer
"- No, no dates. - I Dream of Jeannie."
Archer
"Peggy, you will probably kill me for this..."
Archer
"but Senator, we now have a subway museum..."
Archer
"If... Are you still big into trains?"
Archer
"- Do you mind? It's the caterer. Right. Okay, sure."
Archer
"- You brought this ridiculous thing. - Is it so ridiculous..."
Archer
"Fine. What is the job?"
Archer
"Drinks and fish balls. You ring first bell for dinner."
Archer
"Oh, no, we won't give our baby chocolate."
Archer
"- Yeah, I could get used to this. - Don't."
Archer
"Cyril, go get some gravlax."
Archer
"Always primed and ready for action."
Archer
"Which is why you should consider ISIS for the UN contract."
Archer
"Our agents are highly-trained in many disciplines."
Archer
"- Gravlax, anyone? - No. No gravlax. I need painkillers."
Archer
"I have to get it myself, just right after I get that."
Archer
"I think Lana just broke Torvald's hand."
Archer
"Only temporarily, sir."
Archer
"- Who? - Carina."
Archer
"- You said no dates. - I said no such thing."
Archer
"Take his mind off Lana's huge, Johnny Benchian fingers."
Archer
"Swedish meatballs."
Archer
"Just like the cheese."
Archer
"- Gravlax? - Thanks, no. I'm allergic to cat piss."
Archer
"No. I need a painkiller, not a..."
Archer
"- Torvald. - What is that? A calcium supplement?"
Archer
"But what I have seen..."
Archer
"He's a fully-integrated multi-fetish artificial being."
Archer
"There, there. Let that calcium citrate seep into your bones."
Archer
"What about Trinette? She said that?"
Archer
"Excuse me, sir. - L..."
Archer
"Maybe I should go say something."
Archer
"Mani, do something. Utne is leaving."
Archer
"Okay, okay, we go ahead of schedule."
Archer
"Find some Tupperware, we take food to go."
Archer
"- Hello. - You're not, um, leaving, are you?"
Archer
"- I am Torvald... - Utne, I know."
Archer
"let us find something potable."
Archer
"until dinner. - And what about my happiness, Mother?"
Archer
"The Needle? Why is she here?"
Archer
"Oh, that Russian prick. He sent two teams again."
Archer
"Hey, help. - Ah! Help with what, sir?"
Archer
"six gummy bears and some Scotch."
Archer
"- This is why I don't get you nice things. - Not that. Him. Uta, that was Duchess."
Archer
"I can't believe they fell for that."
Archer
"- Oh! Mani, the baby. - Ah."
Archer
"- Ow, ow, ow! - I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows..."
Archer
"- No, in this case it would be pascals. - Ugh. Hey, Europe, be gayer."
Archer
"- I find your lack of faith disturbing. - I find your mannish hands disturbing."
Archer
"I think they're kinda sexy."
Archer
"- Excuse me? - They're fingers, Pam, not kielbasas."
Archer
"- I can make you feel like you are. - Mm."
Archer
"- Hey, are you having a good time? - Oh, I am. Ha, ha."
Archer
"Good to hear. Please excuse us. Mm-hm."
Archer
"to work with the woman who runs ISIS."
Archer
"- Why? - I think there's, like, a racial component."
Archer
"You're gonna need some calcium, after I..."
Archer
"do something bad to your bones."
Archer
"- What the hell? - What is the frequency?"
Archer
"Oh, great. Thanks, Mother, for replacing the baby aspirin with LSD."
Archer
"- Is everyone comfy? Relatively."
Archer
"Sterling and Lana?"
Archer
"- What, at the table? Like people? Sterling."
Archer
"- Who cares about him? - Oh."
Archer
"- And what is this we're eating? - It smells vaguely poisonous."
Archer
"Oh, Torvald. I am very tempted."
Archer
"That's the wrong plate, Uta."
Archer
"Uta."
Archer
"- It's okay. - Aah!"
Archer
"I should not do this in my condition."
Archer
"Yeah? And maybe that is why I date..."
Archer
"a wrinkled old man like you."
Archer
"- Oh, for shit's sake. - And they didn't do one dish."
Archer
"- Oh. Hey, guys?"
Archer
"No you will not. That rug was a gift from the Azeri Khan himself."
Archer
"And besides, we're not going far."
Archer
"Shut up."
Archer
"And nobody touch anything."
Archer
"- Unh. I should be carrying her. - Cyril, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse."
Archer
"See? Just look at this bathroom. I kinda like it."
Archer
"No. Have you never seen CSI? This is already, like, Clue Town."
Archer
"Oh, but I will. And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman..."
Archer
"That smell takes me back."
Archer
"- Is that weird? It would be weirder if you weren't."
Archer
"I'm sorry. That... That's a funny word."
Archer
"Oh, I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire."
Archer
"Um, sorry."
Archer
"The chairman of the UN Intelligence Committee."
Archer
"- probably don't know, for six years running..."
Archer
"- Nowheresville. ...their ground floor isn't a laundromat."
Archer
"- Wash-and-fold, technically. - ISIS needs that UN contract."
Archer
"So I am going to woo Mr. Torvald Utne..."
Archer
"so absolutely nothing can go wrong."
Archer
"how does it help to switch the labels? - Because they can't read English."
Archer
"- You think. - And what scheme you're hatching..."
Archer
"Hello?"
Archer
"Your instructions are clear? - Ja. No problem."
Archer
"Oh, I have other call. Yeah, okay."
Archer
"- Hello? Oh. Hello?"
Archer
"- Da, da. - So your instructions are clear?"
Archer
"- Da. - Excellent."
Archer
"Tomorrow, liebchen, I promise, but to..."
Archer
"to ready my body for the baby? - Uta. Please do not start this."
Archer
"Two jobs. The first, we make a big phony attempt..."
Archer
"to kill Torvald Utne. - Okay. And the second?"
Archer
"So your instructions are clear?"
Archer
"And on second bell, I come out, all John Wooey..."
Archer
"screaming crazy and shooting blanks."
Archer
"as you're gunned down by ISIS agents."
Archer
"Mm-hm. - And loud ones."
Archer
"Because for Utne to buy it, everyone must act surprised."
Archer
"- Oh, I'm sure they will. - Yeah, me too."
Archer
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