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Clips from Archer - Animation (S03E03)

Short Films 2009 Season 3, Episode 13 7 min 452 clips
Short Sport Documentary
Let's get shanghaied to go live on fricking Mars!"
"Let's get shanghaied to go live on fricking Mars!""
Archer
Mr. Archer, do I have to sedate you? Well, I wouldn't say no to a drink.
"Mr. Archer, do I have to sedate you? Well, I wouldn't say no to a drink."
Archer
Don't judge me on the how, until you see the why.
"Don't judge me on the how, until you see the why."
Archer
Well, your mother sure as hell does!
"Well, your mother sure as hell does!"
Archer
How isn't important. What is important--
"How isn't important. What is important--"
Archer
Only if by "Martian" you mean "born on Mars," not actual alien life forms.
"Only if by "Martian" you mean "born on Mars," not actual alien life forms."
Archer
Or both.
"Or both."
Archer
You absolutely may not.
"You absolutely may not."
Archer
Fair enough, but I wish you'd reconsider.
"Fair enough, but I wish you'd reconsider."
Archer
You'd be much more comfortable in my quarters.
"You'd be much more comfortable in my quarters."
Archer
We need you in peak physical condition for this great undertaking of ours.
"We need you in peak physical condition for this great undertaking of ours."
Archer
So wait, are we not doing drinks?
"So wait, are we not doing drinks?"
Archer
In a few generations, after the colony is established...
"In a few generations, after the colony is established..."
Archer
...we'll revisit the issue. In the meantime--
"...we'll revisit the issue. In the meantime--"
Archer
You can kiss three-fifths of my ass.
"You can kiss three-fifths of my ass."
Archer
Hello, uh, miss? This is Commander Kellogg.
"Hello, uh, miss? This is Commander Kellogg."
Archer
KELLOGG: Did you move the--?
"KELLOGG: Did you move the--?"
Archer
These nutsacks wanna take us to Mars to be baby factories.
"These nutsacks wanna take us to Mars to be baby factories."
Archer
I can't go live on Mars. I just rented a summer house.
"I can't go live on Mars. I just rented a summer house."
Archer
No.
"No."
Archer
Ugh. All right. But turn around.
"Ugh. All right. But turn around."
Archer
Nothing, just bet you're glad we're in reduced gravity.
"Nothing, just bet you're glad we're in reduced gravity."
Archer
Serves you right. Anybody else hit?
"Serves you right. Anybody else hit?"
Archer
That's because you hid, Cyril.
"That's because you hid, Cyril."
Archer
We gotta move! Come on!
"We gotta move! Come on!"
Archer
Security breach, Pod 6. I heard you.
"Security breach, Pod 6. I heard you."
Archer
I don't care if you have to use the plasma torch, get this door open.
"I don't care if you have to use the plasma torch, get this door open."
Archer
That's what Dad said when the bank man came out to foreclose on the farm.
"That's what Dad said when the bank man came out to foreclose on the farm."
Archer
And guess how that turned out.
"And guess how that turned out."
Archer
Oh, my God, speaking of--
"Oh, my God, speaking of--"
Archer
ARCHER : Will you come on? Grr!
"ARCHER : Will you come on? Grr!"
Archer
Now? Really?
"Now? Really?"
Archer
Jesus God, are you that insecure?
"Jesus God, are you that insecure?"
Archer
GUARD: Fire!
"GUARD: Fire!"
Archer
KELLOGG: What's taking so long?
"KELLOGG: What's taking so long?"
Archer
...which is apparently some alloy of adamantium and mithril.
"...which is apparently some alloy of adamantium and mithril."
Archer
Archer! Sorry, go on, Trish.
"Archer! Sorry, go on, Trish."
Archer
...and he and Kellogg are the only ones who can fly it.
"...and he and Kellogg are the only ones who can fly it."
Archer
So why aren't you A-holes down there?
"So why aren't you A-holes down there?"
Archer
I don't know about always but--
"I don't know about always but--"
Archer
Are you sure they can't get in?
"Are you sure they can't get in?"
Archer
I'm sorry? Unh.
"I'm sorry? Unh."
Archer
Next stop, Mars.
"Next stop, Mars."
Archer
And I'm telling you that I didn't sign up for Animal Farm in space.
"And I'm telling you that I didn't sign up for Animal Farm in space."
Archer
Wait, there are animals?
"Wait, there are animals?"
Archer
How do you not get that? Cyril, I know what an animal farm is.
"How do you not get that? Cyril, I know what an animal farm is."
Archer
Maybe we can, I don't know, stampede a flock of goats down the hall.
"Maybe we can, I don't know, stampede a flock of goats down the hall."
Archer
Animal Farm is a book.
"Animal Farm is a book."
Archer
No, it isn't, Lana.
"No, it isn't, Lana."
Archer
Wait, put a pin in what?
"Wait, put a pin in what?"
Archer
Pamela, stop. Your queen commands you.
"Pamela, stop. Your queen commands you."
Archer
And, Drake, you can forget all about your crazy little Martian sex cult.
"And, Drake, you can forget all about your crazy little Martian sex cult."
Archer
Jesus Christ.
"Jesus Christ."
Archer
Well, I think a more apt analogy would be Moses, but--
"Well, I think a more apt analogy would be Moses, but--"
Archer
Mother! Malory!
"Mother! Malory!"
Archer
Mars!
"Mars!"
Archer
Thanks a lot. Thank you.
"Thanks a lot. Thank you."
Archer
Sorry? You're sorry?
"Sorry? You're sorry?"
Archer
Suppressing fire!
"Suppressing fire!"
Archer
CHERYL: Cyril, stop!
"CHERYL: Cyril, stop!"
Archer
You did. You got those two guys, who were just minding their own business.
"You did. You got those two guys, who were just minding their own business."
Archer
No. No, I'm in, uh, London for wor--
"No. No, I'm in, uh, London for wor--"
Archer
Yes. Yes, both Barrys promised.
"Yes. Yes, both Barrys promised."
Archer
For what it's worth, I think you would've made a great Martian queen.
"For what it's worth, I think you would've made a great Martian queen."
Archer
Still with the tone.
"Still with the tone."
Archer
Wait, wait, wait!
"Wait, wait, wait!"
Archer
Really?
"Really?"
Archer
Yeah. Who built this door, space dwarves?
"Yeah. Who built this door, space dwarves?"
Archer
But I'm still very proud of you.
"But I'm still very proud of you."
Archer
Aw.
"Aw."
Archer
CYRIL: Okay, folks, next stop, planet Earth.
"CYRIL: Okay, folks, next stop, planet Earth."
Archer
Archer, stop it! ARCHER: Let me land it!
"Archer, stop it! ARCHER: Let me land it!"
Archer
LANA: Archer, do something. ARCHER: Sure thing, Lana.
"LANA: Archer, do something. ARCHER: Sure thing, Lana."
Archer
Oh, wait, I can't, because I left my lightsaber in my other space pants!
"Oh, wait, I can't, because I left my lightsaber in my other space pants!"
Archer
Don't yell at me, this was your idea! What?
"Don't yell at me, this was your idea! What?"
Archer
Remind me, when was it that I said, "Guys, great idea.
"Remind me, when was it that I said, "Guys, great idea."
Archer
Heh, heh. He said "meow."
"Heh, heh. He said "meow.""
Archer
Moving. Yes, and how can I help you not ever do that again, please?
"Moving. Yes, and how can I help you not ever do that again, please?"
Archer
Get in there. In here sounds great.
"Get in there. In here sounds great."
Archer
Are the cuffs really necessary?
"Are the cuffs really necessary?"
Archer
Archer broke both of Wu's arms.
"Archer broke both of Wu's arms."
Archer
He what? While shouting "whoo!"
"He what? While shouting "whoo!""
Archer
Happy coincidence.
"Happy coincidence."
Archer
Archer. What, you want one?
"Archer. What, you want one?"
Archer
Okay, can we get two, um...
"Okay, can we get two, um..."
Archer
My tongue says sangrita, but my heart says...
"My tongue says sangrita, but my heart says..."
Archer
Archer. ...michelada.
"Archer. ...michelada."
Archer
You realize this is kidnapping. I do, yes.
"You realize this is kidnapping. I do, yes."
Archer
And do you realize you're insane? He wouldn't, by definition--
"And do you realize you're insane? He wouldn't, by definition--"
Archer
What's more insane? Suffering through famine, war, disease on a dying Earth...
"What's more insane? Suffering through famine, war, disease on a dying Earth..."
Archer
...or creating a utopia on Mars?
"...or creating a utopia on Mars?"
Archer
Using me as your brood sow?
"Using me as your brood sow?"
Archer
No, not-- Well, okay, yes, technically.
"No, not-- Well, okay, yes, technically."
Archer
But we searched for so long to find the perfect human female specimen.
"But we searched for so long to find the perfect human female specimen."
Archer
Well, that's flattering-ish.
"Well, that's flattering-ish."
Archer
How'd you get my medical records?
"How'd you get my medical records?"
Archer
Oh, Krieger-san! I never judge you!
"Oh, Krieger-san! I never judge you!"
Archer
ls you hired ISIS just so Lana could pump out a bunch of Martian babies?
"ls you hired ISIS just so Lana could pump out a bunch of Martian babies?"
Archer
Oh. Whatever. Either way.
"Oh. Whatever. Either way."
Archer
My point is this whole thing is Lana's fault... What?
"My point is this whole thing is Lana's fault... What?"
Archer
...and you don't need more dudes on Mars-- Archer!
"...and you don't need more dudes on Mars-- Archer!"
Archer
Lana, the penis-to-your-vagina ratio around here is creepy enough already...
"Lana, the penis-to-your-vagina ratio around here is creepy enough already..."
Archer
...so why not let us three go--
"...so why not let us three go--"
Archer
I'm afraid that's impossible. Or just me.
"I'm afraid that's impossible. Or just me."
Archer
Because even if we didn't need all the manpower we can get...
"Because even if we didn't need all the manpower we can get..."
Archer
...there's no ship to take you back to Earth.
"...there's no ship to take you back to Earth."
Archer
It's going to push the Horizon into orbit above Mars...
"It's going to push the Horizon into orbit above Mars..."
Archer
...to serve as our base while we begin the terraforming.
"...to serve as our base while we begin the terraforming."
Archer
Which reminds me.
"Which reminds me."
Archer
Commander Kellogg, there are three women on the Intrepid.
"Commander Kellogg, there are three women on the Intrepid."
Archer
Take a boarding party and bring them back here to join their friends.
"Take a boarding party and bring them back here to join their friends."
Archer
Holy shit-space!
"Holy shit-space!"
Archer
Hey, guys. we got a problem!
"Hey, guys. we got a problem!"
Archer
Duh. The party's starting, and this dress makes me look like a whore!
"Duh. The party's starting, and this dress makes me look like a whore!"
Archer
Oh, you don't look like a whore.
"Oh, you don't look like a whore."
Archer
An idiot, maybe. Wha--?
"An idiot, maybe. Wha--?"
Archer
Yes, a "whordiot."
"Yes, a "whordiot.""
Archer
DRAKE: Agent Kane, I--
"DRAKE: Agent Kane, I--"
Archer
May I call you Lana?
"May I call you Lana?"
Archer
Ha! You'll have to sedate me.
"Ha! You'll have to sedate me."
Archer
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