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Clips from M*A*S*H - Showtime (S01E01)

Video Games 1970 Season 1, Episode 24 ★ 5.8/10 (22 ratings) 310 clips
War

Episodes from this show

Now, that‘s something I didn‘t have to know.
"Now, that‘s something I didn‘t have to know."
M*A*S*H
Can‘t be too careful. A friend ofmine got his orders, broke his leg the next day.
"Can‘t be too careful. A friend ofmine got his orders, broke his leg the next day."
M*A*S*H
You got a good point there, Kaplan. Good luck.
"You got a good point there, Kaplan. Good luck."
M*A*S*H
JAgainJ
"JAgainJ"
M*A*S*H
JThis couldn‘t happen again J
"JThis couldn‘t happen again J"
M*A*S*H
JThis is that once in a lifetimeJ
"JThis is that once in a lifetimeJ"
M*A*S*H
JThis is the thrill divineJ
"JThis is the thrill divineJ"
M*A*S*H
Think ofme as your mother, Father.
"Think ofme as your mother, Father."
M*A*S*H
— May| make a confession? — As long as you don‘t use any real names.
"— May| make a confession? — As long as you don‘t use any real names."
M*A*S*H
For some time now, I‘ve been comparing the disparity ofourcallings.
"For some time now, I‘ve been comparing the disparity ofourcallings."
M*A*S*H
| mean,you know immediately ifyou‘ve been successful.
"| mean,you know immediately ifyou‘ve been successful."
M*A*S*H
For me, the results are farless tangible.
"For me, the results are farless tangible."
M*A*S*H
Sometimes—— most ofthe time——
"Sometimes—— most ofthe time——"
M*A*S*H
I honestly don‘t know whether I‘m doing any good or not.
"I honestly don‘t know whether I‘m doing any good or not."
M*A*S*H
Do you think that‘s true?
"Do you think that‘s true?"
M*A*S*H
[Sighs]
"[Sighs]"
M*A*S*H
Thanks, Hawkeye.
"Thanks, Hawkeye."
M*A*S*H
J But never, never again J
"J But never, never again J"
M*A*S*H
[Applause]
"[Applause]"
M*A*S*H
— Give me some suction. — Yes, Doctor.
"— Give me some suction. — Yes, Doctor."
M*A*S*H
— Feels like someone used my eyeball for a tea bag. — Nurse.
"— Feels like someone used my eyeball for a tea bag. — Nurse."
M*A*S*H
—Clamp? — Clamp. Thanks.
"—Clamp? — Clamp. Thanks."
M*A*S*H
Okay, come on. Stay with us, will ya?
"Okay, come on. Stay with us, will ya?"
M*A*S*H
Hello? Hello? Uh, Bloomington, Illinois?
"Hello? Hello? Uh, Bloomington, Illinois?"
M*A*S*H
— Yes, General Hospital? — You got them?
"— Yes, General Hospital? — You got them?"
M*A*S*H
Right. She‘s pregnant.
"Right. She‘s pregnant."
M*A*S*H
You know, with a baby. Yeah. Okay.
"You know, with a baby. Yeah. Okay."
M*A*S*H
They‘re ringing her room.
"They‘re ringing her room."
M*A*S*H
Can you imagine? Can you imagine?
"Can you imagine? Can you imagine?"
M*A*S*H
—I am becoming a father for the third time. — Oh, yes, sir!
"—I am becoming a father for the third time. — Oh, yes, sir!"
M*A*S*H
— What are they doing? — Hello, yes?
"— What are they doing? — Hello, yes?"
M*A*S*H
I‘m still holding, operator.
"I‘m still holding, operator."
M*A*S*H
Why am I so nervous? Gosh sakes, she‘s got the best obstetrician in town.
"Why am I so nervous? Gosh sakes, she‘s got the best obstetrician in town."
M*A*S*H
Marv Handleman. He could deliver a baby with his eyes shut.
"Marv Handleman. He could deliver a baby with his eyes shut."
M*A*S*H
That‘s the only way I‘d do it, sir.
"That‘s the only way I‘d do it, sir."
M*A*S*H
Uh, sir? She‘s not there anymore.
"Uh, sir? She‘s not there anymore."
M*A*S*H
— What do you mean she‘s not there anymore? — We‘ll get right back to you.
"— What do you mean she‘s not there anymore? — We‘ll get right back to you."
M*A*S*H
— I just—— — It‘s all right. They sent her home.
"— I just—— — It‘s all right. They sent her home."
M*A*S*H
She had a false labor.
"She had a false labor."
M*A*S*H
— She had a what? —A false labor.
"— She had a what? —A false labor."
M*A*S*H
— Radar. — Steady, sir.
"— Radar. — Steady, sir."
M*A*S*H
— I‘m not gonna make it. — Steady, sir.
"— I‘m not gonna make it. — Steady, sir."
M*A*S*H
Just sit.
"Just sit."
M*A*S*H
Would you believe that I‘ve got a craving for dill pickles?
"Would you believe that I‘ve got a craving for dill pickles?"
M*A*S*H
I‘m gonna massage the heart. Get some adrenaline ready.
"I‘m gonna massage the heart. Get some adrenaline ready."
M*A*S*H
[Breathing Unevenly] Hang on, damn it.
"[Breathing Unevenly] Hang on, damn it."
M*A*S*H
— Still no pulse. —Adrena|ine! Let‘s go. Let‘s go!
"— Still no pulse. —Adrena|ine! Let‘s go. Let‘s go!"
M*A*S*H
Oh-- [ Mutters]
"Oh-- [ Mutters]"
M*A*S*H
[Yelps]
"[Yelps]"
M*A*S*H
Yes, operator, go ahead. I can hearyou.
"Yes, operator, go ahead. I can hearyou."
M*A*S*H
Seven pounds, two ounces. Twenty—one inches?
"Seven pounds, two ounces. Twenty—one inches?"
M*A*S*H
Well, it isn‘t a girl son, sir.
"Well, it isn‘t a girl son, sir."
M*A*S*H
Yourwife is doingjustfine. It‘s the hospital. The hospital.
"Yourwife is doingjustfine. It‘s the hospital. The hospital."
M*A*S*H
Uh, listen. Tell Mildred—— Mrs. Blake——
"Uh, listen. Tell Mildred—— Mrs. Blake——"
M*A*S*H
that her husband, Henry, loves her very much, and that——
"that her husband, Henry, loves her very much, and that——"
M*A*S*H
— She didn‘t hearyour name. —What? Henry!
"— She didn‘t hearyour name. —What? Henry!"
M*A*S*H
“H“ as in—— Never mind. She knows my name.
"“H“ as in—— Never mind. She knows my name."
M*A*S*H
Just tell her that I love her...
"Just tell her that I love her..."
M*A*S*H
and that I‘ll call her and that all my labor pains have stopped.
"and that I‘ll call her and that all my labor pains have stopped."
M*A*S*H
Bye.
"Bye."
M*A*S*H
Thanks, Radar. A son. A boy.
"Thanks, Radar. A son. A boy."
M*A*S*H
[Laughing] Oh! So this woman gets up real close...
"[Laughing] Oh! So this woman gets up real close..."
M*A*S*H
to the guy in the sailor suit, and she says,
"to the guy in the sailor suit, and she says,"
M*A*S*H
“And so what kind ofa doctor are you?”
"“And so what kind ofa doctor are you?”"
M*A*S*H
She says, “Boy, when you specialize, you really specialize."
"She says, “Boy, when you specialize, you really specialize.""
M*A*S*H
You really go for the sophisticated stuff, huh?
"You really go for the sophisticated stuff, huh?"
M*A*S*H
J I had the craziest dream J
"J I had the craziest dream J"
M*A*S*H
JI never dreamt it could be J
"JI never dreamt it could be J"
M*A*S*H
J Yet there you were J
"J Yet there you were J"
M*A*S*H
J In love with me J
"J In love with me J"
M*A*S*H
JI found yourlips close to mine J
"JI found yourlips close to mine J"
M*A*S*H
JAnd you didn‘t mind it at all J
"JAnd you didn‘t mind it at all J"
M*A*S*H
You‘ve never had any children, have you?
"You‘ve never had any children, have you?"
M*A*S*H
Being single, it never seemed a wise move.
"Being single, it never seemed a wise move."
M*A*S*H
It‘s too bad. It‘s a great feeling.
"It‘s too bad. It‘s a great feeling."
M*A*S*H
Me? [Sighs]
"Me? [Sighs]"
M*A*S*H
— I couldn‘t be happier. — Aw, come on, Henry.
"— I couldn‘t be happier. — Aw, come on, Henry."
M*A*S*H
There‘s no disgrace in admitting you‘re depressed because you can‘t be with your new baby.
"There‘s no disgrace in admitting you‘re depressed because you can‘t be with your new baby."
M*A*S*H
Here‘s to your new son, Henry.
"Here‘s to your new son, Henry."
M*A*S*H
Yeah. Yeah.
"Yeah. Yeah."
M*A*S*H
J Come true JJ
"J Come true JJ"
M*A*S*H
How about this band? They’re gonna do a little number for you
"How about this band? They’re gonna do a little number for you"
M*A*S*H
[Laughing]
"[Laughing]"
M*A*S*H
What‘d he say?
"What‘d he say?"
M*A*S*H
Uh, I didn‘t really hear.
"Uh, I didn‘t really hear."
M*A*S*H
He pulls the sheet do wn, and he sees himself being wheeled away on a stretcher.
"He pulls the sheet do wn, and he sees himself being wheeled away on a stretcher."
M*A*S*H
So he turns to the orderly, and he says, “Where are we going?”
"So he turns to the orderly, and he says, “Where are we going?”"
M*A*S*H
The orderlysays, “To be buried ” He says, “But l’m not dead/”
"The orderlysays, “To be buried ” He says, “But l’m not dead/”"
M*A*S*H
The orderly says, “Shut up. You wanna make a fool out ofthe doctor?”
"The orderly says, “Shut up. You wanna make a fool out ofthe doctor?”"
M*A*S*H
It doesn‘t look good, Trapper.
"It doesn‘t look good, Trapper."
M*A*S*H
— You did your best. — Too bad it was so lousy.
"— You did your best. — Too bad it was so lousy."
M*A*S*H
Hey, what‘s goin‘ on? There‘s a rumoryou three eloped.
"Hey, what‘s goin‘ on? There‘s a rumoryou three eloped."
M*A*S*H
I started out to be an architect. Couldn‘t handle the math.
"I started out to be an architect. Couldn‘t handle the math."
M*A*S*H
Why don‘t you get some rest?
"Why don‘t you get some rest?"
M*A*S*H
Over here, Father. We need some cross action.
"Over here, Father. We need some cross action."
M*A*S*H
Hang another unit ofblood.
"Hang another unit ofblood."
M*A*S*H
What was that about not being sure you did any good?
"What was that about not being sure you did any good?"
M*A*S*H
Now go hit the sack, or I‘ll report you to the doctors and the architects.
"Now go hit the sack, or I‘ll report you to the doctors and the architects."
M*A*S*H
I‘ll take care ofhim. Come on.
"I‘ll take care ofhim. Come on."
M*A*S*H
Yes?
"Yes?"
M*A*S*H
rolling Easter eggs.
"rolling Easter eggs."
M*A*S*H
JJ [Band' Swing]
"JJ [Band' Swing]"
M*A*S*H
Move over. Do you think I‘m putting my life in your hands?
"Move over. Do you think I‘m putting my life in your hands?"
M*A*S*H
— What are you, 19? — Eighteen, sir.
"— What are you, 19? — Eighteen, sir."
M*A*S*H
My feet have corns older than you are.
"My feet have corns older than you are."
M*A*S*H
— What is that, a disinfectant? — Who knows where this kid‘s hands have been?
"— What is that, a disinfectant? — Who knows where this kid‘s hands have been?"
M*A*S*H
— Good—bye, Doctor. — Please, Nurse, no offense.
"— Good—bye, Doctor. — Please, Nurse, no offense."
M*A*S*H
I‘m a dentist. I know. The mouth is a playground for germs.
"I‘m a dentist. I know. The mouth is a playground for germs."
M*A*S*H
Ifthe tongue weren‘t attached, it wouldjump out in a minute.
"Ifthe tongue weren‘t attached, it wouldjump out in a minute."
M*A*S*H
Sir, we better get going You have a plane to catch.
"Sir, we better get going You have a plane to catch."
M*A*S*H
— Lucky man. — Certainly is.
"— Lucky man. — Certainly is."
M*A*S*H
[ jeep Horn Beeps]
"[ jeep Horn Beeps]"
M*A*S*H
[Crash]
"[Crash]"
M*A*S*H
[Beeping Continuously]
"[Beeping Continuously]"
M*A*S*H
I knew it. Did I know it? Did I know? Did I sayit?
"I knew it. Did I know it? Did I know? Did I sayit?"
M*A*S*H
I said it from the very beginning. jinxed!
"I said it from the very beginning. jinxed!"
M*A*S*H
— How‘s the driver? — The kid‘s okay.
"— How‘s the driver? — The kid‘s okay."
M*A*S*H
He‘s staying here. He didn‘t bust a pimple.
"He‘s staying here. He didn‘t bust a pimple."
M*A*S*H
You know how I‘m getting home when the time comes? I‘m walking.
"You know how I‘m getting home when the time comes? I‘m walking."
M*A*S*H
Look—— [Laughing]
"Look—— [Laughing]"
M*A*S*H