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Clips from M*A*S*H - Chief Surgeon Who? (S01E01)

"They might, ifwe could talk the patients into standing up."
M*A*S*H
"Fixyou a martini?"
M*A*S*H
"than to lie around and swill gin?"
M*A*S*H
"of Lorenzo Schwartz, the inventor ofvermouth."
M*A*S*H
"—Asmalljoke. —Almost stillborn."
M*A*S*H
"What do you mean?"
M*A*S*H
"But it‘s such a commercial foryourself."
M*A*S*H
"Oryou could introduce jungle rot to Indiana."
M*A*S*H
"Because you keep asking for the wrong instruments."
M*A*S*H
"Gentlemen ! You‘re doctors, remember?"
M*A*S*H
"You bet I do."
M*A*S*H
"[Sighs] “Insubordination. Failure to salute a superior officer.”"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m a major. Pierce is a captain. He‘s never saluted me once."
M*A*S*H
"Captain Pierce constantly calls me by my first name.”"
M*A*S*H
"You insist on pressing them?"
M*A*S*H
"You answer every question, call every shot."
M*A*S*H
"I can‘t understand that. You‘ve got a $35,000 car and two houses."
M*A*S*H
"We‘re here to patch guys together. We can‘t be so G.|. we lose patients."
M*A*S*H
"— Now tell me. — Margaret, something just awful has happened."
M*A*S*H
"— Doesn‘t he know that? — He did."
M*A*S*H
"— [Chattering] —Attention. Attention, all personnel."
M*A*S*H
"to crown the 4077th’s new chiefsurgeon."
M*A*S*H
"Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, our new chiefsurgeon."
M*A*S*H
"Thankyou. Thankyou. You may all kiss my ring."
M*A*S*H
"—Speech! Speech! Speech! — Speech, yes."
M*A*S*H
"Margaret, when you touch me like that, |——"
M*A*S*H
"Now how will I be able to write the general ?"
M*A*S*H
"when you live in a cruddy situation like this long enough,"
M*A*S*H
"you get to love a few people and even hate a few."
M*A*S*H
"than we are to each other."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m happy to say it‘s worse, sir."
M*A*S*H
"He‘sjust lying there waiting."
M*A*S*H
"I may want to see you later, Major, foryour own personal slant on all this."
M*A*S*H
"|don‘t like this at all. No, sir."
M*A*S*H
"— And you, Kaplan? — Two."
M*A*S*H
"— And you didn‘t take any? — Nope."
M*A*S*H
"Easy, fungus face. Call."
M*A*S*H
"—Out. — ‘Night, all."
M*A*S*H
"— Full house. — Three ofa kind, all bad."
M*A*S*H
"— What are we playing? — Threes and nines are wild."
M*A*S*H
"|fyou want, you can buy a new card on an open four."
M*A*S*H
"Ace bets a dollar, blind."
M*A*S*H
"— Ace bet a buck. Who‘s in? —I call."
M*A*S*H
"you have a seriously wounded patient for whom you are responsible."
M*A*S*H
"Right, that‘s why! checked him into the hospital instead ofthe P.>"
M*A*S*H
"When do you intend to operate?"
M*A*S*H
"Hopefully, never, but if! have to, I figure around 3:00 am."
M*A*S*H
"and his pulse and his pressure should be stabilized."
M*A*S*H
"|don‘t think so. I can beat a pair oftwos."
M*A*S*H
"|orderyou to begin that operation."
M*A*S*H
"You‘re making it impossible for me to concentrate on my poker."
M*A*S*H
"You haven‘t heard the last ofthis."
M*A*S*H
"[Groans] Oh."
M*A*S*H
"— Were you born in that position? —Yes,sir—— No,sir!"
M*A*S*H
"just a |itt|ejoke——"
M*A*S*H
"Now, tell me, where is Colonel Blake?"
M*A*S*H
"Doesn‘t anybody in this outfit ever go to sleep?"
M*A*S*H
"How do I know you‘re not one ofthem with a clever makeupjob?"
M*A*S*H
"Then I‘ll just have to keep trying, Mary."
M*A*S*H
"Bet this looks funny."
M*A*S*H
"Bet it doesn‘t."
M*A*S*H
"I can assure you Captain Pierce is very capable, sir."
M*A*S*H
"— You think so, huh? —Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"— Leave the worms. — Yes, sir. He said leave the worms."
M*A*S*H
"This place is a madhouse, Henry, a nut farm."
M*A*S*H
"Is she going to have you followed out here?"
M*A*S*H
"whereas he‘d lost two or three."
M*A*S*H
"His pulse was around i 20. His pressure was down to around 90."
M*A*S*H
"Now at 3:00, he‘s been given three pints ofblood. His pulse is 80."
M*A*S*H
"What‘s that worm doin‘ in there?"
M*A*S*H
"Okay, General, now I‘m going to sandbag you."
M*A*S*H
"See, Dad, we haven‘t found any small holes in the lung yet, only large ones."
M*A*S*H
"I think he‘s got one in his lingula that we won‘t find unless we look for it."
M*A*S*H
"I‘ve seen some bubbles I can‘t account for."
M*A*S*H
"Problems at the 4077, sir?"
M*A*S*H
"— Who goes there? — The man‘s naked!"
M*A*S*H
"Come on, Klinger. Put on a dress or something."
M*A*S*H
"Can you give me a hand with this resection?"
M*A*S*H
"[ C/acking]"
M*A*S*H
"Hey, is it possible to sue your feet for divorce?"
M*A*S*H
"With your luck, you‘d get custody ofthe arches."
M*A*S*H
"Mine are killing me. Sure wish they‘d let us operate sitting down."
M*A*S*H
"“Swill gin"?"
M*A*S*H
"Sir, I have sipped, lapped and taken gin intravenously,"
M*A*S*H
"but I have never swilled."
M*A*S*H
"Actually, I‘m pursuing my lifelong quest for the perfect,"
M*A*S*H
"the absolutely driest martini to be found in this or any other world."
M*A*S*H
"— Five to one? — Not quite."
M*A*S*H
"You pour sixjiggers ofgin,"
M*A*S*H
"and you drinkitwhile staring at a picture..."
M*A*S*H
"By the way, did you know soap was a four—letter word ?"
M*A*S*H
"Hey, Frank, are we disturbing you?"
M*A*S*H
"‘Cause ifwe are, I can arrange to get shipped back to the States."
M*A*S*H
"- Oh. — [Hacking Resumes]"
M*A*S*H
"What are you doing? That question itselfshows how bored I am."
M*A*S*H
"Writing my patients back home. I keep in touch with each and every one ofthem."
M*A*S*H
"— That‘s a pretty bigjob, isn‘t it? — Not really."
M*A*S*H
"| send them a form letter."
M*A*S*H
"“What‘s Up Front, Doc ?”"
M*A*S*H
"“Well, the fighting here goes on, but I must go along with MacArthur..."
M*A*S*H
"and agree that the beginning ofthe end is in sight.”"
M*A*S*H
"— That‘s pretty stylish. — I wrote on the school paper."
M*A*S*H
"I wrote on the walls."
M*A*S*H
"I don‘t know whether to go on reading this or wait for the movie to come out."
M*A*S*H
"Your exploits make Superman seem likea fairy."
M*A*S*H
"I was building a pretty good practice when I got called up."
M*A*S*H
"I‘ll be darned ifl‘ll let those people forget me while I‘m over here."
M*A*S*H
"Maybe you could bring the plague back homejust to get things started again."
M*A*S*H
"You‘re bothjealous."
M*A*S*H
"I was in practice only three years,"
M*A*S*H
"Choppers !"
M*A*S*H
"— How many? —Too many."
M*A*S*H
"— [ Helicopters Approaching] — [Radar] Choppers!"
M*A*S*H
"[ flattering]"
M*A*S*H
"— Pull that back. — Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Let‘s go, baby, or this boy‘s kidney‘s never gonna dance again."
M*A*S*H
"— Can I help ? — Help her retract."
M*A*S*H
"This guy‘s got a bellyful ofshrapnel. Give me a hand."
M*A*S*H
"— / ’ll be right there. —I can giveyou a hand in a minute."
M*A*S*H
"Never mind. I‘ll wait."
M*A*S*H
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