You're not connected to the Internet. Please check your connection.

Clips from M*A*S*H - Tuttle (S01E01)

"Pay for my hernia operation."
M*A*S*H
"— Captain Tuttle? — One ofour finest officers."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, don‘t do that. He doesn‘t like anybody to make a fuss."
M*A*S*H
"—just tell the good captain I‘ll be praying for him. Good—bye. — Bye."
M*A*S*H
"Isn‘t she wasting her prayers on somebody who doesn‘t exist?"
M*A*S*H
"— Who doesn‘t exist? — This, uh, Tuttle you made up."
M*A*S*H
"Don‘t con me. He‘s a figment ofyour imagination."
M*A*S*H
"And what makes you thinkyou‘re not?"
M*A*S*H
"— Rough shift. — Picnic."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, not too many wounded, huh?"
M*A*S*H
"Nobody can figure out how it happened either. He hasn‘t been near a woman in months."
M*A*S*H
"— |twas my imaginary childhood friend. — You had an imaginaryfriend?"
M*A*S*H
"—Terrific. — Her name was Shirley."
M*A*S*H
"—Your imaginaryfriend was a girl? — Mm—hmm."
M*A*S*H
"Out!"
M*A*S*H
"Oh, you know, sir, that new man, Captain Tuttle."
M*A*S*H
"—Did I meet him yesterday at breakfast? —Yes."
M*A*S*H
"— Let‘s give Frank a little help winning the war. -Sir?"
M*A*S*H
"|fyou‘re free tomorrow night, I‘ve got some new literature on pelvic deviation."
M*A*S*H
"It‘s Tuttle‘s responsibility to present himself. The man is obviously ignoring me."
M*A*S*H
"Guilt. He can‘t face the man he‘s going to replace."
M*A*S*H
"Who says he‘s going to replace you?"
M*A*S*H
"Oh, Frank."
M*A*S*H
"— Where‘s the colonel ? — Colonel ? — Colonel Blake?"
M*A*S*H
"Um, how about i 924? That was a good year for doctors."
M*A*S*H
"Uh, hey, how about my hometown?"
M*A*S*H
"No, they‘ve already got enough to be proud of. How about——"
M*A*S*H
"Yeah, good. Okay."
M*A*S*H
"Uh, atheist."
M*A*S*H
"All right, nowa little something for Hot Lips."
M*A*S*H
"Hair: auburn."
M*A*S*H
"foryou two to see the file on Captain Tuttle."
M*A*S*H
"— Probablya Nazi. — [Whistles] Very impressive."
M*A*S*H
"— So long, Radar. — I‘ll hold down the fort."
M*A*S*H
"Hold down the fort."
M*A*S*H
"Ah! Frank, you‘re notjealous."
M*A*S*H
"Do you know, there‘s still something spooky about this Tuttle?"
M*A*S*H
"[Buzzing]"
M*A*S*H
"— What‘s up, Radar? — Major Houlihan is making a call to General Clayton."
M*A*S*H
"ifyou can keep your hot little hands offhim. [Laughing]"
M*A*S*H
"Good—bye, Margaret."
M*A*S*H
"Radar, there‘s something going on with Major Burns."
M*A*S*H
"|fthere‘s one thing I‘m not gonna have in this outfit, Radar, it‘s politics."
M*A*S*H
"Should we go back inside and build one?"
M*A*S*H
"— Oh, well, I can do that. — Oh, that‘s very kind ofyou, Frank."
M*A*S*H
"about what a twisted, selfish, mean—spirited, overbearing fusspot you are."
M*A*S*H
"— McIntyre ? — Frank, ifyou‘re here to help,"
M*A*S*H
"all the bedpans have already been emptied."
M*A*S*H
"— Have you seen Tuttle? — Youjust missed him."
M*A*S*H
"He‘s over at X ray with Hot Lips."
M*A*S*H
"He said something about doing some chest pictures."
M*A*S*H
"That is, ifyou are doing it."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, Major!"
M*A*S*H
"— Margaret, have you seen him? — Who ?"
M*A*S*H
"Frank, no one can take your place,"
M*A*S*H
"Just as I thought. Tuttle hasn‘t been paid in i 4 months."
M*A*S*H
"— And he never said a word. — What a guy."
M*A*S*H
"Uh, he‘s in surgery right now, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Now where is that? I have a mess of back pay for him."
M*A*S*H
"No, no, fortunately, I‘m independently wealthy."
M*A*S*H
"My father invented bill padding."
M*A*S*H
"Well, |just got a letter from Sister Theresa."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, you must be very proud, sir."
M*A*S*H
"nearyour outfit."
M*A*S*H
"donated i 4 months‘ pay to her orphanage."
M*A*S*H
"but it‘s another to get your picture in the paper doing it."
M*A*S*H
"— Yes, sir. — Ra—— Where is he? Where is Tuttle?"
M*A*S*H
"Go hurry them up."
M*A*S*H
"The finest. Our country can use all the Tuttles we can get."
M*A*S*H
"—Where‘s Tuttle? —Oh, he‘s coming, sir. He‘s quite busy."
M*A*S*H
"— Will you tell Radar to tell Pierce to tell Tuttle—— — He‘s here, sir."
M*A*S*H
"He‘s here, sir. Uh, I mean——"
M*A*S*H
"he went offin a helicopter to do some field surgery."
M*A*S*H
"would like to pay tribute to this heroic man."
M*A*S*H
"And I think it‘s only fitting that the man who knew him best,"
M*A*S*H
"that there‘s a little Tuttle left in all ofus."
M*A*S*H
"In fact, you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle."
M*A*S*H
"Our griefwill pass."
M*A*S*H
"Thankfully he‘s left behind a memorial."
M*A*S*H
"I‘ve been informed by Radar that Captain Tuttle‘s G.|. insurance..."
M*A*S*H
"named Sister Theresa ’s orphanage as his sole beneficiary"
M*A*S*H
"How typical."
M*A*S*H
"Nice work. There wasn‘t a dry eye in the camp."
M*A*S*H
"Hey, Trapper, how much do you suppose this stuff‘s worth on the black market?"
M*A*S*H
"What would you do with your share?"
M*A*S*H
"All right, let me see—— blankets, powdered milk, penicillin."
M*A*S*H
"Okay, that‘s everything."
M*A*S*H
"— And you, Trapper. — No, don‘t thank us. We‘rejust acting on orders."
M*A*S*H
"But whose? Who‘s the author ofall this generosity?"
M*A*S*H
"Uh, Tuttle. Captain Tuttle. That‘s who. Right, Trap?"
M*A*S*H
"—And a beautiful man. —just picture George Washington withjohn Wayne‘s agent."
M*A*S*H
"I‘ll have the children at the orphanage write him a thankyou letter tomorrow."
M*A*S*H
"No, no, uh—uh, that‘s right. I mean, he‘s Mr. Humility."
M*A*S*H
"— Lovely lady. — Yeah, but she could never be more than a sister to me."
M*A*S*H
"Who says I made him up?"
M*A*S*H
"— No, no wounded. I worked on a pregnant infantryman. - Oh ?"
M*A*S*H
"Ahh, that‘s coffee."
M*A*S*H
"— Hawkeye. — Anybody coming in here telling me about more wounded..."
M*A*S*H
"is sucking around for a lobotomy."
M*A*S*H
"Captain Tuttle‘s gotta sign this requisition form..."
M*A*S*H
"Listen, how did you come up with a name like “Tuttle” anyway?"
M*A*S*H
"Yeah, ifanybody said, “Who knocked over the garbage ?” I said, “Tuttle.”"
M*A*S*H
"They said, “Who broke that window ?” “Tuttle.”"
M*A*S*H
"— “Who wet the bed ?” — “Tuttle.”"
M*A*S*H
"He had no control at all."
M*A*S*H
"— So when you got drafted—— — He got drafted."
M*A*S*H
"Justin case you wet your cot."
M*A*S*H
"Precisely."
M*A*S*H
"—What‘d she looklike? — Like me,"
M*A*S*H
"— only with tiny little breasts. - Out!"
M*A*S*H
"—Good morning, sir. — Morning, Radar."
M*A*S*H
"— Sign these, please. — Right."
M*A*S*H
"Whoa, those stockings came out nice, sir."
M*A*S*H
"— Yeah, my wife sent me some new soap powder. - Uh-huh."
M*A*S*H
"— Uh, where do |—— — Sign the original ofeach form, sir,"
M*A*S*H
"And then sign this form signifying that you signed what you should‘ve initialed."
M*A*S*H
"Radar, do you really understand all this army stuff?"
M*A*S*H
"It helps not to be too bright, sir."
M*A*S*H
"It only needs a countersignature."
M*A*S*H
"— Captain Tuttle‘s already okayed it. — Fine."
M*A*S*H
Show more clips