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Clips from M*A*S*H - Sticky Wicket (S01E01)

"My last hand was more like a foot."
M*A*S*H
"— Well, wake him up. — No. Forget it."
M*A*S*H
"Stop making fun of my height."
M*A*S*H
"[Hawkeye] We tried it. No casualties, no fun."
M*A*S*H
"There‘s too much chatter. It‘s distracting."
M*A*S*H
"— We‘ve got five more cases. —Tell them there‘ll be an hour wait for a table."
M*A*S*H
"Why don‘t we get him to eat North Korea?"
M*A*S*H
"Pierce, I want to askyou a question."
M*A*S*H
"Then when you make a mistake, you‘re not smart enough to admit it and start over."
M*A*S*H
"It‘s a tie. Two against fifty."
M*A*S*H
"— Surgically incompetent. — Surgically incompetent. Right."
M*A*S*H
"And finally, you are a total and definitive pain in the gluteus maximus."
M*A*S*H
"Colonel Blake calls you into his office and you chew him out."
M*A*S*H
"— | deny that. — It‘s true."
M*A*S*H
"In that case, I admit it."
M*A*S*H
"has already spread through the whole outfit."
M*A*S*H
"Pierce, I want you to patch it up."
M*A*S*H
"There‘s nothing to patch up, unless Frank‘s been operating again."
M*A*S*H
"Apologize ?"
M*A*S*H
"|f| tried to say that, my tongue would snap offits roller."
M*A*S*H
"— ||iac artery? —Yeah."
M*A*S*H
"Suction."
M*A*S*H
"The bleeding seems to have stopped. Let me have that bone—cutter."
M*A*S*H
"Right. Bone—cutter."
M*A*S*H
"Outside ofthe fact he ought to be back home with his girlfriend at the movies?"
M*A*S*H
"I‘ve heard better news in my time."
M*A*S*H
"People were beginning to think we were going steady."
M*A*S*H
"— Yes, sir. — Somebody double—cross you?"
M*A*S*H
"Yeah, but “might“ isn‘t good enough. I wanna be sure ofit."
M*A*S*H
"— Hmm. — He may be developing an abscess."
M*A*S*H
"Operating with one hand tied behind your back again ? Hmm?"
M*A*S*H
"Just play kneesies with Big Mama. Forget I‘m here."
M*A*S*H
"Well, I haven‘t killed anybody this week. What about you, big shot?"
M*A*S*H
"— [Women Screaming] — Get him, Pierce!"
M*A*S*H
"No kidding. I figured that when I woke up."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, damn it. He‘s not getting anywhere."
M*A*S*H
"He‘s falling back in some ways."
M*A*S*H
"— Keep a close watch on him. I‘ll be back in a little while. —Okay."
M*A*S*H
"— So please don‘t ask. — Okay, I won‘t."
M*A*S*H
"He‘s about the same."
M*A*S*H
"How about some pol"
M*A*S*H
"Ace—king, possible straight."
M*A*S*H
"|didn‘t have anything, just ace—high, that‘s all."
M*A*S*H
"Can‘t you guys do that somewhere else?"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m not doing anything."
M*A*S*H
"For crying out loud."
M*A*S*H
"— Come on. Deal. — Okay, five—card draw, jacks or better."
M*A*S*H
"— What‘s the matter? Have we got casualties? — Uh, no, sir."
M*A*S*H
"I was wondering ifyou could look after this for me."
M*A*S*H
"You woke me for that, Private O‘Reilly?"
M*A*S*H
"— Corporal, sir. — Nothing is forever, Radar."
M*A*S*H
"He didn‘t."
M*A*S*H
"Right."
M*A*S*H
"I told you to leave me alone, Trapper."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m sorry. Not this Thursday. I got a case | just can‘t get out of my mind."
M*A*S*H
"No. On mine."
M*A*S*H
"Trap, thanks for the booze, but I really do wanna be alone."
M*A*S*H
"— What‘s in there? — A kitchen sink, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Just take a number and sit down, Henry."
M*A*S*H
"You‘ve got your guts in a knot because one patient has gone sour."
M*A*S*H
"Colonel Blake?"
M*A*S*H
"in this G.|. butcher shop."
M*A*S*H
"for when you go back home to your private practice..."
M*A*S*H
"You‘re not nearly as dumb as I thought you were."
M*A*S*H
"Thanks."
M*A*S*H
"— You know something, Pierce? — What ?"
M*A*S*H
"There were an awful lot offragments. You couldn‘t account for every one ofthem."
M*A*S*H
"Could it have nicked the small intestine?"
M*A*S*H
"I ran the——| ran the bowel before| closed him up."
M*A*S*H
"— What‘s the matter? — I‘m opening him up again."
M*A*S*H
"— How‘s he doing? — Pretty good."
M*A*S*H
"Lap sponge."
M*A*S*H
"The shrapnel tore the back of his sigmoid colon."
M*A*S*H
"Thanks, Frank."
M*A*S*H
"Lafayette, I am here."
M*A*S*H
"Okay, sports fans, you ready for the next hand?"
M*A*S*H
"[Laughing]"
M*A*S*H
"—I thought that was funny. — When you‘re winning, rigor mortis is funny."
M*A*S*H
"— How about Uglyjohn? — He‘s been playing the same hand for the last hour."
M*A*S*H
"— [ Trapper] Winning or losing .7 — [ Hawkeye ]A little of each."
M*A*S*H
"This is the first I‘ve enjoyed him."
M*A*S*H
"Open for five."
M*A*S*H
"—Ca||. — I‘m in, Shorty."
M*A*S*H
"What height .7 You have no height to make fun of."
M*A*S*H
"Go get some height. We‘ll make fun ofit."
M*A*S*H
"Hold it."
M*A*S*H
"— Choppers! — Come on. The war‘s back in the game."
M*A*S*H
"Hey, mateys, look. Ace—high flush."
M*A*S*H
"That was two hours ago."
M*A*S*H
"Those cats in the north really know how to break up a poker game."
M*A*S*H
"They saved me money, but I hate their methods."
M*A*S*H
"[Trapper] Why don‘t we have a war sometime with blank ammunition .7"
M*A*S*H
"— Colonel Blake, did you see that? — Yeah. He‘s a great hitter."
M*A*S*H
"Better check with your patient on that."
M*A*S*H
"Psychologically, that kind ofeating indicates hostility,"
M*A*S*H
"— aggression. — Destructiveness."
M*A*S*H
"What he doesn‘t finish, he can take home in a doggy bag."
M*A*S*H
"— Doyou mind? — Give it some thought."
M*A*S*H
"No, you may not borrow my fork."
M*A*S*H
"Why doyou find it necessary to make my life miserable in the O.R.?"
M*A*S*H
"You screwed up today like you do every other day. That‘s what I call consistent."
M*A*S*H
"Well,would you mind telling me how| did?"
M*A*S*H
"Frank, you‘re only dignifying him."
M*A*S*H
"— Which is more than I would do foryou. —Wel|?"
M*A*S*H
"You think you ’re the only one who ’5 busy You asked for help three times today Three."
M*A*S*H
"Give me some salt. I can still taste this."
M*A*S*H
"— Me too. — Well, I don‘t buy it. — Neither do |."
M*A*S*H
"You‘re inconsiderate, insulting with your nurses,"
M*A*S*H
"bloody arrogant, demanding, distracting and dumb."
M*A*S*H
"Wow."
M*A*S*H
"_ |__ — I wouldn‘t letyou operate on me for dandruff."
M*A*S*H
"— Oh, this is outrageous. — You keep out ofthis. Where was I ?"
M*A*S*H
"— Frank, did you hearthat? — Would you like me to translate?"
M*A*S*H
"You can‘t talk to me like that. Not and get away with it."
M*A*S*H
"What are you gonna do, eat me ?"
M*A*S*H
"This better be important, Radar."
M*A*S*H
"Uh, it‘s Major Houlihan, sir. She‘s throwing a fit."
M*A*S*H
"But she says ifyou don‘t come, she‘s gonna inform General Clayton."
M*A*S*H
"Twenty thousand miles from home and I‘m still aggravated by a woman."
M*A*S*H
"Sometimes I think my wife operates Major Houlihan by remote control."
M*A*S*H
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