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Clips from M*A*S*H - Showtime (S01E01)

"JA house that rings withjoy and laughter;"
M*A*S*H
"JAnd the ones you love inside J"
M*A*S*H
"See ya later, girls. Go to my dressing room and lie down."
M*A*S*H
"Ofcourse, they keep us in separate cages."
M*A*S*H
"I happen to be married to a woman who‘s a terrific sport."
M*A*S*H
"— Now, hold on, Pierce. A quarter ofa grain‘s enough. — A third."
M*A*S*H
"— Go ahead. — Now, you hold it. And that‘s an order."
M*A*S*H
"— Go do what I said. I‘ll take responsibility. — Informed opinion says a quarter."
M*A*S*H
"Informed opinion wasn‘t lying on a stretcher with a boot full of blood."
M*A*S*H
"So this guy with laryngitis, he goes to the doctor‘s office,"
M*A*S*H
"Butl mean beautiful. I mean, she‘s built like a brick hospital."
M*A*S*H
"when my colleagues put a kidney into my cap."
M*A*S*H
"to become a better doctor in the next five minutes."
M*A*S*H
"J Why don’t we do this more oftenJ"
M*A*S*H
"JJ ust what we‘re doin‘ tonight J"
M*A*S*H
"JWe ought to do this more oftenJ"
M*A*S*H
"J Don ’t you agree that l’m rightJ"
M*A*S*H
"J We make each other laugh We make each othersingJ"
M*A*S*H
"Why aren‘t you at the switchboard?"
M*A*S*H
"— You asked me to come in—— — They could phone about my wife at any minute."
M*A*S*H
"— Uh, Kaplan, pass the salt. — No."
M*A*S*H
"My shirt pocket."
M*A*S*H
"Those are my travel orders. I‘m going home today."
M*A*S*H
"Aren‘t you stretching things a bit?"
M*A*S*H
"Got it tangled in a nurse at his farewell party."
M*A*S*H
"You‘re not eating, Father."
M*A*S*H
"— You know something I don‘t know? — Something‘s troubling me."
M*A*S*H
"Doctor versus priest."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m able to do a lot ofthings in surgery that I‘m not really good enough to do."
M*A*S*H
"J Never again JJ"
M*A*S*H
"Yes. What?"
M*A*S*H
"That‘s the last ofthe shrapnel."
M*A*S*H
"I‘ve lost the pulse."
M*A*S*H
"But it‘s irregular."
M*A*S*H
"— What‘s seven pounds, two ounces? —Your son, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Congratulations, sir."
M*A*S*H
"— [ Laughter] — Oh! So it‘s that kind ofa crowd."
M*A*S*H
"J Last night J"
M*A*S*H
"JYes, I did J"
M*A*S*H
"J So I kissed you J"
M*A*S*H
"J Not at all J"
M*A*S*H
"Why do you sound like a hit—and—run victim?"
M*A*S*H
"But let‘s hope I meet him before he gets drafted and sent over here."
M*A*S*H
"J Say it and make my craziest dream J"
M*A*S*H
"Let‘s hear it for the girls! What do ya say?"
M*A*S*H
"One day Charley finds himself in a field hospital with a sheet over his head."
M*A*S*H
"You know something? Those two could wind up——"
M*A*S*H
"Captain Kaplan? Pile in, sir."
M*A*S*H
"— Is it possible to bless ajeep, Father? — Consider it done."
M*A*S*H
"Don‘t remind me. Even as we‘re talking, the propeller‘s getting older."
M*A*S*H
"Well, good—bye, everybody."
M*A*S*H
"Anybody can step on the gas instead ofthe brake."
M*A*S*H
"Would you like a surprise, sir?"
M*A*S*H
"— Yeah. — Okay. Now, no peeking, now."
M*A*S*H
"Yeah."
M*A*S*H
"Mm—hmm."
M*A*S*H
"Radar, where did this baby come from?"
M*A*S*H
"I just thought since you couldn‘t get to see your own son——"
M*A*S*H
"Aw."
M*A*S*H
"Sir?"
M*A*S*H
"JAnd even when I‘m old and grayJ"
M*A*S*H
"[ Wolf Whistle]"
M*A*S*H
"[ Laughter, Cheering]"
M*A*S*H
"Same time, same place, same war!"
M*A*S*H
"J Not one that‘s spacious and wide J"
M*A*S*H
"JSome like the high road I like the low road J"
M*A*S*H
"J Free from the (are and strife;"
M*A*S*H
"J Sounds corny and seedy butyes, indeedy,‘"
M*A*S*H
"J Give me J"
M*A*S*H
"JThe simple life JJ"
M*A*S*H
"Hey, how about that! Weren‘t they wonderful?"
M*A*S*H
"Hey, what do ya say out there? How about that? Huh?"
M*A*S*H
"Let‘s hear it out there. The lovely Miller Sisters."
M*A*S*H
"[Laughing] They really are wonderful."
M*A*S*H
"It’s a lot offun traveling with them."
M*A*S*H
"Not that / can’t be trusted"
M*A*S*H
"She even looks likejoe DiMaggio. [Laughs]"
M*A*S*H
"Joe DiMaggio, yeah. She‘s so ugly that——"
M*A*S*H
"But a// kidding aside, / just wanna say to a// you guys and nurses..."
M*A*S*H
"what a thrill it is to be here in Korea with ya."
M*A*S*H
"I mean, we‘re all in this together, right?"
M*A*S*H
"That guy‘s first. Get this guy inside."
M*A*S*H
"We‘ll treat his leg under local. Give him a third ofa grain ofmorphine."
M*A*S*H
"— Stop! Are you going over my head? —just through the hole in it."
M*A*S*H
"— Move! That‘s a threat. — This happens to be a gold oak—leaf."
M*A*S*H
"I thought itwas a little big for dandruff."
M*A*S*H
"Look, Frank, he‘s a big guy in severe pain. He can handle a third ofa grain."
M*A*S*H
"|fnot, there‘s an anesthesiologist inside to support breathing."
M*A*S*H
"Don‘t forget your hat, Frank."
M*A*S*H
"he walks in, he sees this beautiful nurse."
M*A*S*H
"[Laughs] Do wn, Charley."
M*A*S*H
"So he walks in, the guy with laryngitis, he says,"
M*A*S*H
"“Is the doctor in?" And the nurse winks and says, “No, come on in.”"
M*A*S*H
"But really, though, I know how hard you medics and nurses really work. I really do."
M*A*S*H
"Although / wouldn’t mind being paid for playing doctor. lcan tell you that."
M*A*S*H
"— How am | doin‘? — Not too good, Trapper."
M*A*S*H
"His B.P.‘s low. His pulse is rapid."
M*A*S*H
"Give me another unit of blood. I gotta go into his chest."
M*A*S*H
"Is it absolutely necessary to make bad jokes while you‘re operating?"
M*A*S*H
"— Absolutely. Scalpel. — Scalpel."
M*A*S*H
"— Sponge. — Sponge."
M*A*S*H
"Okay, how am | doin‘ now?"
M*A*S*H
"— Can I be ofany help? — You could pray for me..."
M*A*S*H
"Excuse me, Father."
M*A*S*H
"J Gee, but it‘s great to get together again J"
M*A*S*H
"J Why does it only happen now and then J"
M*A*S*H
"Youjust spoke to the hospital. She hasn‘t gone into laboryet."
M*A*S*H
"Don‘t argue with me! It‘s bad enough that she‘s having a baby and I can‘t be there with her."
M*A*S*H
"Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Well, at least you were there for the important part."
M*A*S*H
"JTonight JJ"
M*A*S*H
"You know that ancientjoke about the guy who saved his regiment?"
M*A*S*H
"— Shoots the cook. — No. How‘s it go?"
M*A*S*H
"—I beg your pardon? — You‘re looking at one dentist..."
M*A*S*H
"who‘s not touching anything that hasn‘t been checked by the bomb squad."
M*A*S*H
"Have you been taking rides in your chair again, Kaplan? You know that makes you dizzy."
M*A*S*H
"— Reach into my pocket. —I hardly know you."
M*A*S*H
"No kidding. You mind if| look at these for drooling purposes?"
M*A*S*H
"You unfold it. |f| do it, I could get a paper cut."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m not having any last minute infections."
M*A*S*H
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