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Clips from The Office - Survivor Man (S04E04)

"People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace.""
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"than by a stranger on purpose."
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"Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not."
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"and perhaps the next day."
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"No."
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"to either die or to survive. The choice is yours."
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"No. The choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?"
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"and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me."
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"Okay. Great. This is a very personal, private experience"
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"Yep."
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"When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being."
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"Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills"
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"to survive in a hostile environment?"
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"Let's put it this way. No, I do not."
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"This is what a true Survivorman does."
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"and you can only use the stuff that you have in your pockets."
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"Now in this case, this disaster is a serial killer,"
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"creepy guy who's abducted me, and is taking me out into the wilderness"
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"to leave me for dead. No. I would never leave you for dead."
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"You would never escape. Well, yes, I would. And I would survive."
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"I would make sure that you were dead. No."
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"Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips"
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"so you could not be identified. You..."
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"You are as creepy as a real serial killer, for real. Okay..."
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"What are you doing? I am putting this on so I have no familiarity"
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"It would be better if you were unconscious. No."
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"Here... God. Dwight, stop it. Stop it. Stop it."
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"Do you want to do this right or not?"
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"Just please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life."
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"Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday."
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"Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday?"
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"Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember?"
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"Creed's is today, Oscar's is week after next, Meredith's is at the end of the month."
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"Michael usually goes with red and white streamers..."
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"You know what? I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big, shared party?"
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"What?"
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"There are 13 people working in this office, so 13 times a year,"
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"Michael gets a cake and balloons"
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"And there are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are..."
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"Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack. Not crack the drug."
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"And the other is something inappropriate or horrible or both."
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"What else? He only sings the high harmony to Happy Birthday."
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"(ALL SINGING)"
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"And he is a very big believer in surprise parties."
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"Happy birthday!"
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"(LAUGHING)"
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"Happy birthday!"
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"We can just have one big, fun party. And everybody's happy"
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"and nobody wastes their time."
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"I don't like it."
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"Do you think it's a good idea? No. I think it's a great idea."
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"We're here."
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"Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest."
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"Just the two of us from this point out."
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"Here we go. Just the two of us."
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"You know, try sending them another invoice."
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"Okay. All right."
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"Oh, did you see my memo, by the way?"
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""Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are,"
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""we all can use a break from the constant cakes."
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""So let's celebrate birthday month in style today.""
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"No. Totally. Totally."
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"This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun."
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"Right. Exactly."
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"As good a spot as any."
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"Dwight, just stop it. I'm just..."
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"Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction."
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"Behold."
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"All right, good. Thank you, Dwight."
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"All right. Very good."
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"Good luck, Michael. Thanks for the ride."
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"Leave me be, Dwight."
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"Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake? What's that?"
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"I really prefer Devil's Food Cake."
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"Oh, sure."
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"Wow. That was easy."
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"I hate Devil's Food. Well, I think Meredith was..."
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"Screw Meredith. I don't think it's fair"
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"Everybody's birthday. Today is actually my birthday"
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"and I want to pick the cake. What do you want?"
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"I want pie. I want peach pie. You want birthday pie?"
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"I'll talk to Angela and we're going to see what we can do about a pie."
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"It'll be Angela. You tell her it's for Creed."
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"Day one. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness."
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"I have brought with me only the bare essentials,"
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"a knife, a roll of duct tape"
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"in case I need to fashion a shelter or make some sort of water vessel."
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"It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant,"
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"which would make it about 2:00 in the afternoon."
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"Really beating down on me now."
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"I think that I want to get a little more comfortable"
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"because the sun is depleting my resources."
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"Okay. There we go."
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"I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not."
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"I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support."
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"But I will never help him."
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"I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die."
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"But I will never let him lose his dignity."
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"There we go. Much better."
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"Now everything I brought with me can be used."
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"can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts."
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"I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs."
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"This can be used for all sorts of things, some sort of kerchief"
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"to keep my neck nice and comfortable."
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"Not your birthday. Well, I'm just saying, you know,"
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"you will have a Fudgie the Whale."
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"All right. I'll look into it, but the answer's no."
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"Well, okay. Harsh."
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"Just don't expect me to show up."
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"to do some work so I will be in here."
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"Mushroom caps."
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"I am totally alone right now with only my thoughts."
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"Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat."
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"Jan has plastic boobs."
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"I don't know what he's searching for out here."
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"So I have fashioned my hat back into my pants."
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"Several hours in, it's time for me to find some nourishment."
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"Now these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life."
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"Things like squirrels,"
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"a nice, juicy rabbit would be delicious."
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