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Clips from Seinfeld - The Old Man (S04E04)

"Well, I feel better already."
Seinfeld
"Hey, hey, what's your guy's name again?"
Seinfeld
"Fields. Sidney Fields."
Seinfeld
"Eighty-seven years old. Eighty-seven."
Seinfeld
"- How about your guy? - Ben Cantwell, 85."
Seinfeld
"We? No."
Seinfeld
"- Hey. - Hey."
Seinfeld
"So, what's up, diggety-dog?"
Seinfeld
"George and I just signed up with the senior citizens volunteer agency."
Seinfeld
"Same thing Elaine's doing."
Seinfeld
"Don't say I didn't try to warn you."
Seinfeld
"- What? - It's a con."
Seinfeld
"These agencies are usually a front for some money-laundering scheme."
Seinfeld
"Or they're bunco artists."
Seinfeld
"Bilking people out of their life savings. Oh, yeah."
Seinfeld
"That's where you hear the truth."
Seinfeld
"Kramer! Where are you? Kramer!"
Seinfeld
"- There you are. - Yeah."
Seinfeld
"Hello, Newman."
Seinfeld
"Jerry. George. So did you ask him about the records?"
Seinfeld
"- Well- - What records?"
Seinfeld
"They pay big cash for used records."
Seinfeld
"So we thought if you had any of those big..."
Seinfeld
"Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?"
Seinfeld
"I'm a United States postal worker."
Seinfeld
"Aren't those the guys that always go crazy..."
Seinfeld
"Sometimes."
Seinfeld
"- Why is that? - Because the mail never stops."
Seinfeld
"It just keeps coming and coming and coming."
Seinfeld
"Never a letup. It's relentless."
Seinfeld
"Every day it piles up more and more and you gotta get it out..."
Seinfeld
"...but more keeps coming in!"
Seinfeld
"Then the bar code reader breaks, and it's Publishers Clearing House day!"
Seinfeld
"I'll give you 5 bucks."
Seinfeld
"- Five bucks? - Five bucks?"
Seinfeld
"- Do you know what those are worth? - Yeah, I do. Five dollars."
Seinfeld
"Those records are worth more than 5 dollars."
Seinfeld
"- He's gypping us. - You're gypping us."
Seinfeld
"Well, what do you got? You know, you got Don Ho Live In Hono/u/u."
Seinfeld
"You got Jerry Va/e Sings Ita/ian Love Songs."
Seinfeld
"And you got Sergio Mendes. Now, come on!"
Seinfeld
"Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes has a cult following."
Seinfeld
"Why, they follow him like a cult."
Seinfeld
"Look, that's his problem, all right? Now, you don't like it? Too bad."
Seinfeld
"Then get out of my store, all right?"
Seinfeld
"- All right, we'll be back, Jack. - All right."
Seinfeld
"- Come on. - We'll be back..."
Seinfeld
"- Agency? - Yeah. Is this Sid Fields' residence?"
Seinfeld
"- Sid Fields? - What the hell is it?"
Seinfeld
"Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld. The agency sent me."
Seinfeld
"The agency? What agency? The CIA?"
Seinfeld
"- No, no, the senior- - Who let you in here?"
Seinfeld
"- The woman. - Oh, her."
Seinfeld
"She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English."
Seinfeld
"My ass, she doesn't speak English."
Seinfeld
"She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie..."
Seinfeld
"...and then rob me blind."
Seinfeld
"Now, get the hell out of my house."
Seinfeld
"Are you gonna kill me? I'm an old man, for crying out loud."
Seinfeld
"You gonna kill an old man, you coward?"
Seinfeld
"- Well, what's all this stuff? - Trash. Garbage."
Seinfeld
"You're throwing this out?"
Seinfeld
"I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot."
Seinfeld
"Really? You don't want any of this?"
Seinfeld
"Well, if I wanted it, I wouldn't be throwing it away, would I, Einstein?"
Seinfeld
"I have friends that would really love to have these."
Seinfeld
"With you?"
Seinfeld
"I just remembered I got an appointment to get my tonsils out."
Seinfeld
"Good. Thank God. Good riddance."
Seinfeld
"...would you mind changing my diaper?"
Seinfeld
"You know, the average life span for an American male is, like, 72."
Seinfeld
"You're really..."
Seinfeld
"Boy, I think about it a lot."
Seinfeld
"Imagine how much I'll be thinking about it at your age."
Seinfeld
"All I'll do is keep thinking about it till it drives me insane."
Seinfeld
"Grateful?"
Seinfeld
"How can you be grateful when you're so close to the end?"
Seinfeld
"When you know that any second:"
Seinfeld
"You can read the handwriting on the wall."
Seinfeld
"I guess I just don't care."
Seinfeld
"Don't you have a brain?"
Seinfeld
"...what you're talking about anymore?"
Seinfeld
"- Mrs. Oliver? - Yes, my dear?"
Seinfeld
"- What's the trouble? Are you all right? - Yeah."
Seinfeld
"Yeah- Yes. Yeah."
Seinfeld
"It's my goitre, isn't it?"
Seinfeld
"Did you say goitre? What goitre?"
Seinfeld
"This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck."
Seinfeld
"Bother me?"
Seinfeld
"Why would a little goitre like that bother me?"
Seinfeld
"No. Not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothing. It's..."
Seinfeld
"In fact, it's very distinctive. You know?"
Seinfeld
"Really."
Seinfeld
"Come on, E/aine, it's just a goitre."
Seinfeld
"I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't look the woman in the face."
Seinfeld
"You'd think that they'd mention that before they sent you over there."
Seinfeld
"Oh, by the way, this woman almost has a second head."
Seinfeld
"But no, no. I didn't get any goitre information."
Seinfeld
"They really should mention that in the breakdown. Height. Weight. Goitre."
Seinfeld
"You wanna be a good person, but this is too much to ask."
Seinfeld
"...than the nut they sent me to."
Seinfeld
"- What do you mean? - He fired me."
Seinfeld
"He fired you?"
Seinfeld
"How do you get fired from a volunteer job?"
Seinfeld
"I don't know. I was just talking to the man, and he walked out on me."
Seinfeld
"Well, I don't know about you two, but I'm quitting."
Seinfeld
"I hate my guy."
Seinfeld
"He's a mean, mean guy."
Seinfeld
"- I wish I could quit. - So quit."
Seinfeld
"It's one of the few things I do well."
Seinfeld
"- Hey. - Hey."
Seinfeld
"- What happened? - Five dollars."
Seinfeld
"- He offered us 5 dollars. - What kind of stuff you listening to?"
Seinfeld
"You embarrassed me at that store."
Seinfeld
"That guy thought we were a couple of total squares."
Seinfeld
"Oh, yeah, you and your Sergio Mendes."
Seinfeld
"Hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America."
Seinfeld
"...this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away."
Seinfeld
"- He said, Yeah. - The coot's sitting..."
Seinfeld
"- ... on a mountain of gold. - Yeah."
Seinfeld
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