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Clips from The Good Place - Mindy St. Claire (S01E01)

"but my help was more friendship"
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"and sorely needed fashion advice."
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"Eleanor deserves to stay."
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"I forgot how needy humans are."
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"Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person."
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"The progress she has made does not offset her actions on Earth."
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"She deserves to be in the Bad Place."
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"- Oh! - As concerning Jason Mendoza,"
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"I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence"
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"to suggest... oh, he's from Florida?"
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"No, but how do you intend to enforce this ruling?"
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"You have no idea where they are."
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"Bad Janet?"
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"What's up, fork nuts?"
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"Engage walkie-talkie protocol."
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"Yes, that may work."
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"Whoa, what is happening?"
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"Is she having an orgasm? Did I do it somehow?"
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"Attention Eleanor Shellstrop and Jason Mendoza."
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"This is the Almighty Judge on High of All Beings"
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"Living and Dead for All Eternity."
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"We do not know where you are"
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"but hope you are receiving this message."
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"You have been found to be the rightful property of the Bad Place."
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"Either return to your original neighborhood,"
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"or your accomplices Chidi Anagonye and Tahani Al-Jamil"
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"will go to the Bad Place in your stead."
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"You have four hours. Good-bye."
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"Your Honor, please,"
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"Chidi and Tahani are completely innocent."
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"They are not completely innocent."
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"They told me so themselves."
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"They aided and abetted two criminals,"
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"one of whom was a DJ."
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"They're gonna send Chidi and Tahani to the Bad Place?"
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"We're off the hook, this is amazing!"
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"Babe, we are going to be trying to make love all night long."
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"We don't have to go back, though."
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"- they just said. - We can't let Tahani and Chidi"
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"go to the Bad Place. They're our friends."
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"Because we ran away. Are you..."
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"Does your brain work, actually?"
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"Do you have a functioning head?"
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"I think he has a good point."
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"I wouldn't go back for those turkeys."
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"How can you say that?"
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"Think practically here. Okay, you go back,"
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"you turn yourself in, you get sent to the Bad Place,"
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"and you never see your friends again."
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"Or you stay here, you're safe from the Bad Place,"
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"and you never see your friends again."
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"It's the same results, except if you stay here,"
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"you don't get tortured."
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"- But they do. - That's their problem."
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"Your problem is whether you get tortured."
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"Now if you'll excuse me,"
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"it's my masturbating time."
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"When isn't it? We're going back."
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"- But... - Now."
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"Can we even make it there in time?"
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"I believe so, though it'll be close."
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"- Where's Jason? - Heads up!"
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"No!"
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"What are you doing, you goon?"
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"Trying to blow up the train."
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"Blowing stuff up got me out of so many jams on Earth."
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"Let me try again. Do... do you have another bottle?"
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"Hi there, since there's no Janet here to serve you,"
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"I brought you two a little treat."
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"- Ah, kind of like a last meal. - Not like a last meal,"
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"just, uh, the final food you might ever eat."
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"I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place,"
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"being forced to wear a..."
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"a knock-off handbag and drink tap water."
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"- That's what you think hell is? - Ugh."
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"Janet, please, we have to go."
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"I won't start the train until my husband says it's okay."
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"I'm sorry, Eleanor, but I engaged"
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"a ride-or-die protocol so I'm loyal to Jason forever."
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"Buddy..."
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"Come on, we gotta go."
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"I don't wanna go to the Bad Place."
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"It's scary, like the movie "Ratatouille.""
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"- What? - Yo, I ain't trying"
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"to have rats living in my hat and pulling my hair"
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"to get me to do stuff."
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"I'm scared too."
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"But we can't just abandon our friends and let them"
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"take the fall for us."
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"Sure we can. It would be so easy to do that."
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"We'd just go back to Mindy's house, chill out..."
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"I'd get used to room-temperature beer."
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"Me and Janet keep trying to solve the problem"
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"of how to have sex, which could take years."
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"Yeah, yeah."
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"Let's just pretend that we didn't hear"
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"the Janet walkie-talkie message."
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"I spent my whole life acting like Mindy,"
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"me first, no matter what, and it literally took dying"
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"and being around a bunch of good people to realize"
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"that I was kind of a nightmare."
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"Why were you like that?"
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"Well..."
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"let me tell you about Doug and Donna Shellstrop."
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"Hey, Dad, just a warning, Mom's gonna be here in a second."
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"You mean the silverware you stole from Mom?"
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"Yeah, but she keeps trying to steal it back."
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"I drove here as fast as I could."
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"You scored free WrestleMania tickets?"
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"There are no tickets, Mom. I knew that was"
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"the only way I could get you here."
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"Eleanor, just because your father and I"
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"are divorced does not mean you can disrespect me"
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"like this, okay? We are a family."
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"Whose birthday is it?"
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"- Mine. - Are you serious? No way."
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"That was a B.S. foul on Chapman."
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"And since you both forgot, again, which means"
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"you definitely didn't get me a present, again,"
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"I got myself something. I just need you to sign it."
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