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Clips from The Good Place - Mindy St. Claire (S01E01)

"- You were pretty coked-up, huh? - Oh, yeah, man,"
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"I was flying high. It was so awesome."
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"But... you're not gonna believe this..."
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"I followed through. Yeah, I woke up"
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"the next morning, I went straight to the bank,"
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"- that charity. - Good for you!"
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"And then I immediately fell into subway tracks"
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"and was electrocuted by the third rail."
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"- Ooh... - Honestly, not the type of rail"
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"I thought was gonna kill me..."
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"Do you?"
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"I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now?"
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"- Are you okay? - Anyway, so after I died, uh,"
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"my sister found my plan, and she used my money"
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"It's actually the largest relief aid charity in the world."
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"Oh, so the question was, did you get credit"
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"Exactly. I don't know how long"
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"my case was pending or whatever,"
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"but when I woke up, the two sides"
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"had been fighting about me for a long time."
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"Like a stripper over that"
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"last bump of coke at the party, if you know what I mean."
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"But anyway, they finally came to this compromise, you know?"
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"Well, it beats being tortured."
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"I was about to turn myself in."
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"No. Yeah, there's no time"
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"for that morality nonsense, sweetheart."
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"This is about survival."
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"You gotta look out for number one."
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"Right, well, we don't have proof that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's."
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"Oh, I know you've only worked here a few weeks,"
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"but we have this little office tradition"
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"where we all pitch in, and then we..."
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"what kind of cake I like. Plus, it's Lisa's"
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"birthday next week, and if I let you give me a cake,"
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"and sing to her and wear one of those dumb hats"
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"you all are wearing right now. No, thanks."
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"This way, I don't owe you anything,"
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"you don't owe me anything. Later."
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"What were we talking about?"
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"What is her deal? Why is she like this?"
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"the more it turns me on. Is that weird?"
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"but more disgusted with me, like I'm a worm."
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"Eleanor was supposed to be in the Bad Place,"
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"assumed another person's identity,"
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"and has now escaped."
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"Is that the whole story?"
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"Well, no. Someone else was"
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"sent here by mistake. His name is Jason Mendoza,"
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"- You knew about Jason? - Yes, I know"
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"that he's a fake and that he's married to Janet"
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"and that this entire neighborhood is..."
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"What's the human expression?"
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"Ah, yes, a smokin' hot turd."
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"I will deal with Jason Mendoza later."
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"For now, I will hear your arguments for why"
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"Fake Eleanor Shellstrop should stay in the Good Place."
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"We can do this, but we must remain emotionless."
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"I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red carpet""
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"level of emotionless here, all right?"
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"Begin."
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"I was blown away by her capacity for self-improvement."
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"Eleanor is a magnificent person"
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"who has grown tremendously in her time here."
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"Please, I'm begging you, please."
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"that she is a selfless person."
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"Sorry. I'm getting choked up."
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"and heading to the Bad Place would be a point in her favor."
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"in the Bad Place."
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"We have no idea where she is."
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"- Well, what the... - What?"
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"I will now review Eleanor's memories."
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"Her memories? As in, all the things"
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"- she's done on Earth? - Mm-hmm."
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"But perhaps we could take a little break first."
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"You know, we've been at it for a while, and you must be tired."
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"Call up the screen for Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please."
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"Where should we begin, "Waiters Screamed At""
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"or "Cyberbullying of Pregnant Woman from Spin Class"?"
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"I thought you'd want company after being here alone for so long."
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"- No. - Okay, I get it."
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"Hey, uh, where did you get that?"
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"That's not one of my books."
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"I only have Anne Rice vampire novels with water stains,"
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"and I've cut words out of most of them to make pornography."
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"My friend in the Good Place gave it to me"
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"when he was teaching me ethics. It reminds me of him."
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"Look, if you wanna survive, you have to forget"
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"what you left behind. Take that whole experience,"
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"crumple it up, throw it in the garbage can."
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"Okay. Instead of reading,"
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"I will watch this VHS copy of "Cannonball Run II.""
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"Or maybe "The Making of 'Cannonball Run II.'""
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"Wow. Very medium."
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"Yeah."
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"Hey, you two lovebirds figure out how to have sex yet?"
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"No. We tried for two hours,"
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"but there was just a lot of, like, bumping into each other."
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"It was weird."
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"This ain't your bar mitzvah anymore, bitch."
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"of Vanessa Garcia's Quinceañera.""
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"Let's move on to another event."
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""Heckling of Mall Santas"?"
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""Lifetime Ban from Build-a-Bear Workshop"?"
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""Brief Instagram Flirtation with Kid Rock"? Oh, no."
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"Yeah, uh, Judge, request permission"
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"to speak somewhat emotionally?"
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"Ugh. Fine."
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"Dramamine."
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"Helps with the nausea. Proceed."
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"Okay, look, I know, obviously, these memories aren't great."
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"I was particularly disturbed by "Started Fire in Mailbox"
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"to Get Mailman to Take Off Shirt," but that"
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"She worked and she studied and she got better."
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"And it wasn't just self-preservation,"
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"it was real self-improvement. I made the decision to help"
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"Eleanor that first week, and I'm glad I did."
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"Because she's worth it."
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"I, too, helped Eleanor."
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"Not as much as Chidi, surely,"
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