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Clips from The Good Place - Mindy St. Claire (S01E01)

"So, big plans this weekend?"
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"Yep."
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"I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching"
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"wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas"
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"through a Twizzlers straw until I pass out"
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"on top of my vibrator."
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"Hi there. Do you have a second"
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"to talk about the environment?"
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"No. Buzz off, whale-humper."
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"You know, I see you here all the time,"
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"and you're always mean to me, and it really hurts my feelings."
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"It does? Because the minute"
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"you're out of my line of sight, I literally forget you exist."
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"Watch. You exist. You don't exist."
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"You're bothering me. Don't care if you die."
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"Excuse me? Why am I like this?"
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"You don't know me, dude. You don't know what I'm like."
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"Look what you made me do, jag-off."
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"- ♪ And did it my... ♪ - Oh, my God, look out!"
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"- Uh-oh. - ♪ Way ♪"
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"Oh, good, you're awake."
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"Can I ask you a question about where we're going?"
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"Sure."
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"Where are we going? I forgot."
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"We're going somewhere that's not the Good Place,"
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"and it's not the Bad Place."
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"Hmm, is there a 7-Eleven on the way?"
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"'Cause Janet's powers aren't working,"
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"and some scratchy tickets."
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"- Go away from me. - Okay."
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"_"
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"Can this train go any faster, Janet?"
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"No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured"
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"for all of eternity if we get caught."
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"Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house."
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"It'll be our sexy little secret."
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"Jason taught me about sexy things."
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"Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?"
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"Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims,"
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"20,000 followers on Instagram,"
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"girls with pigtails eating lollipops,"
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"latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex."
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"Eh, some of those are right."
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"I'm here to preside over case #00003"
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"regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop."
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"The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument."
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"What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically, um,"
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"the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag, and these jabronis"
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"are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirt bag now,"
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"but she just stole your train,"
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"and she still sucks bad."
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"And she belongs with us. Oh, also, check this out."
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"I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence."
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"- of Eleanor stealing my train. - Now, hold on a second."
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"She stole your train to voluntarily go down to the Bad Place."
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"She was sacrificing herself"
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"No, don't... oh!"
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"- What's happening? - I should have warned you."
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"Shawn only cares about cold hard facts."
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"If he detects any feelings in your voice,"
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"he retreats into a cocoon, so what we need to do now"
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"is just be very still and very quiet."
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"Finally."
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"- Oh, come... - What did he just say?"
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"Oh, because you're all so perfect."
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"Wow."
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"So where does this Mindy St. Clair live?"
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"I don't know. I'm out of range of our neighborhood. I don't have any"
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"Well, let's try this way."
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"Ooh, I've never had to walk before."
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"This is fun."
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"Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb."
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"Well, given that she's the only person"
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"in the neighborhood, I'm guessing this is the pl..."
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"Oh! She's naked!"
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"Oh, sorry!"
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"Who are you?"
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"I'm Janet."
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"Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie."
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"I'm from the Good Place, and welcome to your first day"
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"- in the afterlife. - What's up, idiot?"
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"Sorry I'm late, babe. Hey, are you pregnant?"
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"- That's not possible. - Congrats."
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"Yeah, so, Mindy, look. You mostly sucked,"
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"but then you did this one good thing."
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"I mean, I still think we should get you..."
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"They didn't, but neither did we."
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"the neighborhood you are in now by yourself."
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"You submitted a list of things you wanted;"
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"the Good Place provided those things."
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"Yeah, and the Bad Place made some modifications."
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"Yeah, but it's always warm."
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"On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung."
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"Yeah, by The Eagles, and it's only the live versions."
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"from William Shatner."
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"It's deeply terrible."
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"You get the idea. Welcome to eternal mediocrity."
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"- Welcome to the Medium Place. - So what's up?"
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"What's your deal? Are you single?"
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"What's going on?"
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"Sorry about before. One of the perks of living alone"
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"is that I get to just walk around naked."
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"My kind of gal."
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"And I gotta say, you keep it tight."
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"Oh, that is the nicest and only thing"
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"anyone has said to me in 30 years."
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"So tell us everything. I mean, what did you do"
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"- to end up here? - That's kind of a long story."
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"- Gonna need a drink or three. - Definitely my kind of gal."
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"You guys have fun. This is me and Janet's"
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"honeymoon, so we're gonna go try and figure out"
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"how to have sex."
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"So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s."
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"I only cared about making money and doing cocaine."
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"One night, I had an epiphany, right?"
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"I needed to do something good with my life."
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"So I drew up plans for this foundation that would help kids all over the world,"
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"would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture,"
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"and just improve every nation and every society"
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"in every possible way."
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