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Clips from Two and a Half Men - Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful (S01E01)

"What else?"
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"That could work."
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"Yeah, he wasn't thrilled about it, but he can't say no to Jake."
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"And I kind of implied that Miss Tuttle was a bit of a freak."
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"So please feel free to put your name on the sign-up sheets"
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"Charlie Harper."
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"Anyone? Anyone at all?"
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"Thank you. Charlie Harper, everyone."
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"Go ahead, say it."
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"The rest of them."
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"Having tantrums in supermarkets,"
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"Okay. Forget about the kids. Do this for me and Judith."
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"to the Industrial Revolution will somehow lead to you getting back together"
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"Okay. Take off your seat belt."
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"Hey, slow down."
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"Moving forward the American dream"
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"Stuff grows on the floor there"
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"How come you're not helping Mom and Dad with the show?"
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"Of course you'd see me. You'd still have your room here, and I'd come visit."
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"All aboard for Henry Ford"
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"Careful what you wish for, pal."
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"But we've got a rehearsal at Jake's school."
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"Don't worry, I have a plan."
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"No. There's no limes, there's no swizzle sticks, there's..."
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"No, it's not good news. Judith filed for divorce."
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"There's a lot of ways to respond to something like this."
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"Let me tell you something, Charlie."
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"Alan, your kid's confused enough about you and his mother. Don't make it worse."
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"How could I possibly make it any worse?"
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"Let's find out."
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"Okay, everybody, what we're gonna do is put the girls on one side"
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"Excuse me?"
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"Jake? Where's Jake?"
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"Right on."
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"But why file for divorce? We were getting along so well."
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"suffocated and depressed anymore."
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"Okay. Everybody flap your arms like a chicken."
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"Your Mom lawyered up and your Dad is freaking out."
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"Not now, Charlie."
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"Okay, I think we should all calm down just a little."
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"Now, listen, rehearsal's over. You can all go home."
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"They weren't talking about this show."
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"It's the sweetest breakfast treat It's maple-licious"
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"From the magic chocolate mountain"
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"Just the girls."
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"Smell like a man"
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"Stick, pump or can"
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"With Dry Guy Deodorant"
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"Okay, thank you, Charlie."
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"They're bad."
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"Now step back and let us work."
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"and the Industrial Revolution."
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"Yeah."
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"But you gotta be sad about your folks, though, right?"
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"Jake, it's okay to feel sad, I've been told."
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"- And this is a sad thing. - My dad's not sad."
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"Of course he is. He's just trying to protect you."
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"All you need to know is that we all feel sad sometimes and it's okay."
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"...and milking cows."
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"to an ancient agrarian product for a delicious and refreshing solution."
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"The girls look prettier with Hammerstein beer"
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"Filled with spiders, flies, and gnats"
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"This is where I sit."
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"Right on. Good location."
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"That's the sink."
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"If you put your thumb over the hole, you can squirt water"
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"all the way over to the other side of the room."
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"Cool."
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"I'm not allowed to use the sink anymore."
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"- So, what's the deal with your teacher? - Miss Tuttle? She's very strict."
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"Did you see this drawing our son made?"
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"It's a cry for his parents to get back together."
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"Alan, it's Davy Crockett at the Alamo."
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"I can see you got your brother here."
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"You wanted me to get him here. He's here. The rest is up to you."
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"So, come on. You gonna introduce me?"
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"You're my nephew. I feel like... Come on, just do it."
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"Don't you want to see my model of a California mission?"
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"- It's made of sugar cubes. - Okay."
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"I just want to thank you all for coming. This is a great turnout."
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"Give yourselves a hand."
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"That's very true."
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"I'd like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?"
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"if you're available for carpools, coaching, fieldtrips."
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"And finally, and this is a biggie, folks."
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"our annual music show for our fourth graders."
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"Unless someone with music experience volunteers to help us out."
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"- Charlie? - Yeah."
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"You traitorous, rat bastard."
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"You set me up. You lured me into that classroom"
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"with promises of donuts and loose women."
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"I'm sorry. I honestly thought there'd be donuts."
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"What about Miss Tuttle? The freak?"
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"She's a married Christian missionary!"
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"But it was for a good cause. The kids really need you."
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"Yeah, but see, here's the problem. I don't like kids."
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"- You like Jake. - Jake's different. He's cool. He's our kid."
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"- What other kids do you know? - I see them."
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"screaming in movie theaters, making everything sticky."
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"And the whole world gives them a free ride just because they're cute."
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"Not really a big Judith fan, either."
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"Come on. You'll write the music and lyrics."
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"Judith and I will produce and direct. Together."
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"Hold on."
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"that the three of us collaborating on a fourth-grade tribute"
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"with your allegedly gay ex-wife?"
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"It's easy to make anything sound stupid, Charlie."
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"Look, we're still legally married. Frankly, I don't buy the whole gay thing."
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"A gay woman would not fake orgasms for 12 years just to protect my feelings."
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"- Why? - Because when I slam on the brakes,"
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"I want to watch you go through the windshield."
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"Manpower, horsepower, coal and steam"
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"Electric, atomic, solar, too"
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"All this energy for me and you"
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"- I want to like it. - Yeah, want to like it."
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"- But? - But I just don't think it's your best work."
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"It's not. Fire me, please."
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"Do you remember that show that you and I did in college?"
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"Stormy Weather? Sure."
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"- Now, those songs had a point of view. - Yeah."
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