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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - The Lamp (S04E04)

"Wraith meeting! Wraith meeting!"
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"Hey, uh, stop injuring crew workers"
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"-and assemble for an official wraith meeting. -(worker screams)"
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"All right, that's the last one."
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"Ah, yes."
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"Any woman in ancient Al Qolnidar would throw herself at my feet"
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"if she knew I had a spoon like this."
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"Well, most modern women have access to spoons already, so..."
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"We live in a time of miracles."
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"No."
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"What's this?"
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"-Oh, just a djinn lamp. -A what?"
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"A djinn lamp. Like in the old stories."
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"You-you rub it and a magical man comes out and grants you wishes."
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"Oh, a genie lamp."
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"It is a djinn lamp."
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"Uh, the ancient tales say it is magical,"
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"but like most of the ancient tales, it is all horseshit."
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"-Well, then rub it. -I rubbed hundreds of djinn lamps"
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"as a child, nothing ever happened. See?"
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"Nothing."
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"Well, did you ever rub it counterclockwise?"
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"Eh, rub, rub, rub. See? Nothing."
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"(rumbling)"
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"What is happening?!"
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"You rubbed it a hundred times and never thought"
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"about rubbing it the other way?!"
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"NANDOR: We are about to die,"
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"and this is what you want"
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"your last words to be?!"
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"(rumbling stops)"
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"Okay. It stopped."
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"-Hey. -Hey, yo..."
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"NANDOR: Oh, hey."
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"Are you a djinn?"
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"Yes."
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"You don't look like a djinn."
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"-You can't say that. -I just did."
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"Thank you all for coming."
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"Would you like me to explain what we require of them?"
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"No, I'll handle it. I'm just waiting"
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"for the rest of them to get here."
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"I don't want to say it twice."
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"-(gasps) -Um..."
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"I say, exactly how many wraiths are there?"
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"GUIDE: So, so many. And so many of them"
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"are habitual stragglers!"
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"-(laughs softly) -Mm."
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"GUIDE: Okay, I guess they're all here."
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"(clears throat)"
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"-Hear me, my wraiths! -WRAITHS (whispering): Yes..."
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"For today we embark on a new mission."
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"-(wraiths whispering sibilantly) -Oh. (groans)"
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"Now, many changes will be made to this building."
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"And your duty heretoforth is to help"
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"the human workers..."
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"-Help. -...and to not harm the human workers."
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"-Don't harm them. -Am I understood?"
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"WRAITHS: Yes..."
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"All right. Now we will organize ourselves"
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"into work squads, and within those squads"
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"-we will decide who does... -Ooh, sorry, this is not the john..."
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"(whispering sibilantly)"
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"-GUIDE: Wait. -(worker screaming)"
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"-(crunching) -Ooh."
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"Uh, what did we just say?!"
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"GUIDE: Oh, no. I was worried"
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"about this happening."
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"You see, the wraiths and I have been together"
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"for so long that no matter what I tell them to do,"
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"they know what my heart really wants."
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"Well, maybe you should tell your heart to think of some..."
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"It's all right, my darling. I think I can deal with this."
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"So, logically you're prepared"
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"for change, yet your inner,"
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"uncontrollable emotions are resisting."
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"Would I be right?"
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"What?"
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"I think can fix her."
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"Psychology is considered to be"
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"one of the newer sciences."
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"Isn't really new to me at all."
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"In fact, I was there at its conception."
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"I spent a few of my younger years with Sigmund Freud,"
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"while he was using cocaine and working on his theory"
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"that all neurosis is derived"
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"from what he called "hand envy.""
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"I remember taking a steam bath with the chap,"
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"and my towel accidentally dropped,"
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"and he caught sight of my rather generous John Thomas."
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"He shrieked "Eureka," and then came up with "penis envy.""
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"Or what I like to call "wanting of the wang.""
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"(puffs)"
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"So, how many wishes can you grant?"
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"Do you wish to know?"
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"-No, don't... -Sure."
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"Well, it's 52."
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"But you just used one, so it's 51."
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"-(grumbles) -Don't wish it."
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"NANDOR: My first thought was,"
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"I will just wish the djinn to get me a new love."
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"But then I remembered I had already found love."
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"I had 37 wives, and one of them,"
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"I specifically remember, I really loved."
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"I just cannot remember which one."
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"-Hmm... -So, what was her name?"
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"It might have been a he. They weren't all women."
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"-You could do that back then? -Of course."
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"Some of my wives were girl wives,"
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"some of them were guy wives."
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"It's not that different."
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"Hmm."
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"I cannot remember the name,"
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"but either he or she had"
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"very long, dark hair."
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"28 of them had long, dark hair."
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"Hmm. I want to say Becky?"
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"-No. -Hmm."
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"NANDOR: How about Dalal?"
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"I think I remember him having a very fun handlebar mustache."
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