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Clips from Farzar - Welcome to Farzar (S01E01)

"to bring back smooth rocks for my pretty daddy's koi pond."
Farzar
"Oh, I see. Your daddy's giving us bullshit assignments"
Farzar
"because he thinks we're a joke."
Farzar
"Who cares? I don't wanna go out there and fight those crazy aliens."
Farzar
"I used to be human, you know."
Farzar
"Every time I go out there, I lose a piece of myself."
Farzar
"All right, you aliens, come and get some!"
Farzar
"All right, you aliens, come and--"
Farzar
"All right, you--"
Farzar
"Ha ha, you missed!"
Farzar
"Oh, yeah."
Farzar
"[Flammy] Mm."
Farzar
"Twerk them tits."
Farzar
"Oh, yes, come on!"
Farzar
"You know what Mommy likes. Oh, yeah."
Farzar
"That's warming my whisker biscuit. [laughs]"
Farzar
"[trills]"
Farzar
"[clears throat]"
Farzar
"Cough."
Farzar
"Sorry, sonny, we didn't see you there. [chuckles]"
Farzar
"Your father and I are still like young lovers."
Farzar
"We were just about to have our sunset sloppies."
Farzar
"[both chuckle]"
Farzar
"It's dry, Fichael. So dry. I'm afraid it's gonna start a fire."
Farzar
"When I stick it in, it sounds like someone making keys."
Farzar
"Dad, I just wanted to clear up something."
Farzar
"The guys on my team say you think we're a joke."
Farzar
"What? My perfect son, a joke?"
Farzar
"Of course you're a goddamn joke. Didn't you notice I named you S.H.A.T. Squad?"
Farzar
"What? But I'm a general!"
Farzar
"I bought that general outfit from Party City, you idiot."
Farzar
"You didn't see the medals were printed on"
Farzar
"and it came with a mask and a trick-or-treat pumpkin?"
Farzar
"And?"
Farzar
"I made you a fake general to shut you up."
Farzar
"You think you could be an actual general? Ha! You've never even left the city."
Farzar
"I can't. You know I have fatallergies."
Farzar
"Mom says if I breathe pollen, my organs will disintegrate."
Farzar
"You still believe that crap?"
Farzar
"Your mom made that up to keep you in the city because she's overprotective."
Farzar
"You're her only son. The parts needed to make another shriveled up 12 flarsecs ago."
Farzar
"I don't have fatallergies?"
Farzar
"So I can leave the city and go on that mission?"
Farzar
"No, you might get hurt."
Farzar
"If you do, your mother will divorce me. I'm not losing my throne."
Farzar
"So that's the only reason you care if I live or die. Got it."
Farzar
"I'm going on a mission, and it's not to bring back rocks for your koi pond."
Farzar
"I'm bringing back Bazarack's head!"
Farzar
"Are you out of your goddamn mind?"
Farzar
"My best men haven't been able to kill Bazarack. I forbid it!"
Farzar
"You can't tell me what to do!"
Farzar
"I'm not a 29-year-old child anymore."
Farzar
"I'm 30 years old, finally a man."
Farzar
"Oh, and one more thing…"
Farzar
"[groans] Fine. But you're getting Raisinets."
Farzar
"Where the fuck am I?"
Farzar
"[adventurous music playing]"
Farzar
"♪ Farzar ♪"
Farzar
"S.H.A.T. Squad, the koi pond mission is off."
Farzar
"Instead, we're gonna kill Bazarack."
Farzar
"-What?! -Yes!"
Farzar
"I eat my own hair."
Farzar
"There's no way I'm going on this mission."
Farzar
"The only human part of me left is my man part, and I don't wanna lose that."
Farzar
"I don't like to brag about it, but it's big."
Farzar
"Well, if you care more about your dick than me--"
Farzar
"I do. I don't like to brag about it, but it's big, by the way."
Farzar
"Fine, we'll kill Bazarack without you then."
Farzar
"Barry, we're gonna need some special weapons for this mission."
Farzar
"Weapons? I'm your man."
Farzar
"Just drop this capsule into liquid and it hydrates into a bouncy castle."
Farzar
"What good is a bouncy castle?"
Farzar
"How else do you get your neighbors to take off their shoes so you can sniff them?"
Farzar
"Got any shit here that kills things?"
Farzar
"Sure. Just blow into this and it causes instant death."
Farzar
"Now we're talking, Barry! I can't wait to kill some aliens with this. Ooh!"
Farzar
"Oh, it's not for aliens. It's for you."
Farzar
"When you get torn apart by some ungodly creature out there,"
Farzar
"you'll be begging for the reaper's sweet release."
Farzar
"I call it the sui-slide whistle."
Farzar
"[melancholy tone]"
Farzar
"Damn it. I should be dead."
Farzar
"Oh. [chuckles]"
Farzar
"Needs batteries."
Farzar
"Okay. What does this watch do?"
Farzar
"It opens up wormholes."
Farzar
"But only to my mother's shower."
Farzar
"So it's broken?"
Farzar
"No. I am."
Farzar
"So this is outside. It's glorious!"
Farzar
"Hey, everybody. I'm little Bob Dukie. This is my Little Bob Dukie dance."
Farzar
"So who knows how to find Bazarack?"
Farzar
"So no one going to acknowledge Little Bob Dukie, yeah?"
Farzar
"Maybe that pack of snarling aliens with fangs can give us directions."
Farzar
"Hey, guys!"
Farzar
"[Mal grunting]"
Farzar
"[aliens snarling]"
Farzar
"Kids, today we are doing an educational field trip with my sister."
Farzar
"We can learn so many things out here."
Farzar
"[gasps] Oh! Look! A is for artery. B is for brains. C is for--"
Farzar
"Cunt?"
Farzar
"Is it cunt, Ms. Skullcunt?"
Farzar
"Yeah, okay, Tina, we need to talk."
Farzar
"Yeah, you single? My friend's nephew is looking for some trim."
Farzar
"Billy, help!"
Farzar
"Billy pick flowers for best friend. Aha!"
Farzar
"Thank you, you fucked-up monster. [sneezes]"
Farzar
"Billy sad."
Farzar
"[aliens snarling]"
Farzar
"Hey, asshole, those are my kills!"
Farzar
"I get the most kills on every mission. I had this!"
Farzar
"♪ R is for ripping off my face ♪"
Farzar
"♪ S is for sucked out eyeball ♪"
Farzar
"[kids scream]"
Farzar
"Scootie! I knew you'd come."
Farzar
"Yeah, I knew you'd die without me and I'd feel guilty skipping your funerals."
Farzar
"That's why I bought this from my Snuffle Snart dealer."
Farzar
"A map to Bazarack's hidden base."
Farzar
"The way to Bazarack is through the nether regions,"
Farzar
"which means we'll have to outwit the Intellectoids."
Farzar
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