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Clips from Archer - Training Day (S01E01)

"Point is, you come out of the john waving this around..."
Archer
"nobody's gonna bug you for a tip. Here."
Archer
"And the safety's off so be careful, it could go off for, like..."
Archer
"no reason."
Archer
"Now what're these pills?"
Archer
"Oh, just antihistamines mostly."
Archer
"You just rest, Ms. Archer. We'll take care of these DD-14s for you."
Archer
"Damn right you will. Idiot."
Archer
"- Holy shitsnacks. - We have snacks?"
Archer
"It totally should be. Look at this."
Archer
"- Oh, my God. - Yeah."
Archer
"- Who'd have thunk it? - I bet Agent Kane thunks it plenty."
Archer
"- You bet she does what? - Oh!"
Archer
"- I got nothing. - That's what I thought."
Archer
"- You seen Cyril? Is that Lana?"
Archer
"Wow. What happened to you?"
Archer
"Scatterbrain Jane, but let me just tell you, okay?"
Archer
"You should be thankful you have Cyril."
Archer
"- Well... - For about 12 reasons."
Archer
"Well, thank you, Malory."
Archer
"But if you don't mind, I'd prefer to keep..."
Archer
"my personal affairs out of the office. - Oh, please."
Archer
"She's had more pens in that company ink than..."
Archer
"a pen store. And yet..."
Archer
"does not have herpes."
Archer
"- Dealunbreaker. - Ugh."
Archer
"No, it's not that. I've just never been this close to a..."
Archer
"Call girl. It's not an insult, Cyril."
Archer
"- I really do. - Okay."
Archer
"- So come on budge in. - Uhn."
Archer
"- Ha-ha-ha. - No. That feels pretty good."
Archer
"- I can tell. You are gifted. - Okay."
Archer
"- God, it's just his gun, Trinette. Sorry."
Archer
"Oh, please. The sick shit I've done in this apartment?"
Archer
"- Okay. - And that wasn't all gun, neither."
Archer
"Ha-ha. No, ma'am."
Archer
"Yes, quite ready sir. Though not entirely willing."
Archer
"Hey. - Oh, Trinette."
Archer
"It's perfectly safe. You're tangoing..."
Archer
"then your trained field agent eyes spot two threats."
Archer
"But they're not trained. We haven't done this yet."
Archer
"- You spot your first threat. Woodhouse. - Ooh. Hoo."
Archer
"- My knees aren't... - Bam, bam, bam."
Archer
"How else are you gonna learn? Okay, he's down..."
Archer
"just the pad. Then you see the second threat."
Archer
"Oh, no, you're out of ammo. What are you gonna do?"
Archer
"Oh, that's where the turn comes in?"
Archer
"I really need a better health plan."
Archer
"Shut up. Weapon is hot and live fire exercise..."
Archer
"in five, six, seven, eight."
Archer
"for the agent you're supposed to meet."
Archer
"You're just some Canadian dude down here on business..."
Archer
"- Cyril. Shoot. - Oh, oh."
Archer
"- Second threat. Jesus."
Archer
"Yeah, Cyril. That was totally ninja."
Archer
"Yeah, it fricking hurt, idiot. It's ice."
Archer
"Ballistically similar to grapes?"
Archer
"Screw your grapes and screw your whatever-berries, I am out of here."
Archer
"- No, wait. Trinette, please, l... - Spying ass bastards."
Archer
"- Please my fat Irish ass. Ow! - Ooh."
Archer
"What the hell's in your freaking pocket?"
Archer
"Um..."
Archer
"I don't feel so good."
Archer
"And voicemail again. Huh."
Archer
"So, it's me. Duh. And did you say you'd cook, or did I mishear that?"
Archer
"I know I misheard you about Jane, because turns out, I ran into her."
Archer
"Hey, Jane."
Archer
"Yeah. Loose end."
Archer
"But I'm sure you had a good reason to lie to me..."
Archer
"- Oh, my God, you killed a hooker. - Call girl."
Archer
"God, I said the cap slips off the poison pen for no reason."
Archer
"I know, but I just assumed..."
Archer
"No. Do not say the Chekhov gun, Cyril. That, sir, is a facile argument."
Archer
"- Woodhouse. - Fetching a rug, sir."
Archer
"Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril?"
Archer
"No. No, I'm not happy."
Archer
"Well, guess what. Me neither."
Archer
"I mean, big picture, I wouldn't say I'm a happy person."
Archer
"Sir. I have fetched the rug."
Archer
"Plus now I'm out a rug."
Archer
"Oh, God. I should never have agreed to this."
Archer
"You and your stupid mother and her stupid frothing loins."
Archer
"Hey. I know you're upset, but if you ever mention my mother's loins..."
Archer
"or their frothiness, to me again..."
Archer
"Now let's go bury this dead hooker."
Archer
"- Hang on a second. Ha-ha-ha."
Archer
"How you doing, Ms. Archer?"
Archer
"I am good."
Archer
"- Okay, try... Okay, try "guest." Real good."
Archer
"Well, that's just idi... Oh, my God."
Archer
"I know, right? So here let's make the co-pay zero, and the deductible..."
Archer
"- Super high, right? - No, low."
Archer
"You want the lowest deductible."
Archer
"But don't you deduct it on your taxes or something?"
Archer
"- Wow. - So you want more?"
Archer
"And people think Jane's stupid."
Archer
"Speaking of, it's probably better..."
Archer
"if Jane was the last one to log in."
Archer
"I am not. What?"
Archer
"My God, a black..."
Archer
"ops field agent?"
Archer
"Thought she was going in a whole other direction with that."
Archer
"Because let me tell you, I was black ops."
Archer
"And that does not for a young boy a very merry Christmas make."
Archer
"Ajax a success, Teheran is ours, stop."
Archer
"Merry X-mas from Mommy and Uncle Kermit, stop."
Archer
"Also, be nicer to Woodhouse, stop."
Archer
"Douche."
Archer
"This is the most kickass health plan ever."
Archer
"And I think I just had a flashback, so..."
Archer
"these antihistamines are insane."
Archer
"By accident. We could explain."
Archer
"She'd never forgive me. Archer, my life is ruined."
Archer
"And all because Mother cooked up..."
Archer
"this stupid plan... - But I just..."
Archer
"to make you an agent just to impress Lana. Ironic, isn't it?"
Archer
"I'm not sure that's technically irony."
Archer
"What? This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby..."
Archer
"and named it this exact situation."
Archer
"- No, it's... - Yes, it is."
Archer
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