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Clips from Archer - Training Day (S01E01)

"Because a man like you, Cyril, doesn't deserve a woman like Lana."
Archer
"You butthole. You set this all up, just to drive me and Lana apart."
Archer
"- Well? - Screw you, Archer."
Archer
"Hey. Hostile work environment."
Archer
"Exactly. And I'm gonna file a hostile work environment lawsuit..."
Archer
"but Cyril Figgis ain't buying it."
Archer
"And to plan-covered elective surgery."
Archer
"And the boob job. That you so need."
Archer
"And the ass-reduction you so need."
Archer
"And the skinny-bitch-ectomy you need."
Archer
"- Oh, my God, did you hear that? - What do you think it is?"
Archer
"Immigrants. That's how they do, you know?"
Archer
"Just drive around, listening to raps and shooting all the jobs."
Archer
"KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path, this guy I know named Popeye?"
Archer
"I have enemies, okay?"
Archer
"Seriously, do you not sense that?"
Archer
"I am a product of my upbringing, Cyril."
Archer
"Well, I was a single mother."
Archer
"And it's a big dangerous world out there."
Archer
"I am the best at this, Rain Man, okay? I'm like..."
Archer
"Who? James Bond?"
Archer
"Well, I don't like to invite that comparison."
Archer
"I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see?"
Archer
"- I'm driving the car. - I could drive better than that."
Archer
"- No, you are not. - Yes, I am totally am."
Archer
"- Stop it. No. - No."
Archer
"Well, if you learned anything today, it won't be the truth."
Archer
"I don't care if you have 50 dead hookers in the trunk..."
Archer
"you lied to me."
Archer
"Did not learn anything."
Archer
"- Well, you shot a machine gun at me. - Around you."
Archer
"I just wanted to show you I could be..."
Archer
"a supercool ISIS field agent like Archer, but..."
Archer
"But baby, don't you know I..."
Archer
"like you so much..."
Archer
"because you're exactly the opposite of Archer?"
Archer
"- Well, yeah, but... - Not to mention your other qualities."
Archer
"Oh, you are such a naughty Nelly."
Archer
"- He just gets a pass? Like Milton Berle? Yep."
Archer
"Hey, so how did you know where I was?"
Archer
"When we first started going out..."
Archer
"I may have injected a tracking device into your body."
Archer
"In my body? No, no. Now, that is a breach of trust, Lana."
Archer
"- I do not. - You do not."
Archer
"Oh, and Archer, how's this for ironic?"
Archer
"So, six? Oh, my God, Trinette."
Archer
"Yeah, Trinette, you shitass."
Archer
"- So you know you have to be punished. - Yes."
Archer
"You're gonna walk into our video store..."
Archer
"With the sweet old Korean lady."
Archer
"- And buy the nastiest, barebackinest, hard dickinest, ball splapiest..."
Archer
"Yep. How you feel about that?"
Archer
"- Like I got off pretty easy. - Night ain't over yet."
Archer
"- Throw me in a trunk? - Not part of the plan."
Archer
"I mean, let's be honest, I doubt that's the first needle you ever..."
Archer
"I already paid you."
Archer
"Hey, come on, you wouldn't tell Popeye."
Archer
"Oh, watch me."
Archer
"Probably less than a new set of kneecaps."
Archer
"- There. Happy? - Almost."
Archer
"You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this."
Archer
"But l... Oh, shit, my rug."
Archer
"that I very find appealing..."
Archer
"Oh là là, Sterling Archer."
Archer
"Trust me, Mother's idea of horizon-broadening..."
Archer
"That we're on our way down to clear up with Jane."
Archer
"- You're cooking dinner later? - Yes, I am."
Archer
"- It's a gift. - Thanks, wow, that's slippery."
Archer
"Duh. Woodhouse. Get in position."
Archer
"No, Archer. That was totally uncool."
Archer
"so can't wait to hear what it was."
Archer
"- She was a... - No, Cyril."
Archer
"When they're dead they're just hookers."
Archer
"To who, Cyril? The cops? Lana?"
Archer
"What? Who the hell is that?"
Archer
"Are you idiots still even here?"
Archer
"- Because my feelings were hurt. - Well..."
Archer
"Do you really wanna open this can of trust-breachy worms..."
Archer
"- Okay, we'll use grapes. - We've only lingonberries, sir."
Archer
"You know what? I don't have a "one to some other number of douchebags" scale."
Archer
"- Second threat. - Oh. Right, I forgot about..."
Archer
"- Oh, my God. - I know, right?"
Archer
"- Yeah, and I don't know if I am, either... - Could have fooled me."
Archer
"that if anything bad happened..."
Archer
"- Whoops. - Sterling, look out."
Archer
"- Scatterbrain Jane? - I know, she's just a mess."
Archer
"It's totally confidential."
Archer
"- Aah! - Weapon."
Archer
"You put him down. But just shoot the pad, not Woodhouse."
Archer
"- Oh! Take that, forces of evil. - Heh. Ooh."
Archer
"Oh, my God. How about now, Cyril?"
Archer
"Yeah, I'm looking for two guys."
Archer
"From the sweet old Korean lady?"
Archer
"We should make you into someone for whom Lana's loins get equally frothy."
Archer
"Pam, look at this."
Archer
"Trinette takes pride in her work."
Archer
"This is how you train them. So."
Archer
"- Ow! Christ on sale. Jesus."
Archer
"Shirt tails. We need a password."
Archer
"- Then who are those guys? - How should I know?"
Archer
"So why aren't you better at this?"
Archer
"- Grenades in the glove box. - Drive me and the hooker to safety or..."
Archer
"Excuse me. - Lana?"
Archer