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Clips from Archer - Training Day (S01E01)

"Well, it may seem daunting now..."
Archer
"but in the long run the HSA makes a lot more sense than flex accounts."
Archer
"Unless it covers Wandering Eye Syndrome."
Archer
"That depends on if that's a real thing."
Archer
"Oh, it's very real. And Lana has it."
Archer
"- Wait, what? - Cyril, I know..."
Archer
"Well, I think she was just shaken up..."
Archer
"Stirred up, Cyril."
Archer
"- In the loins. - You think her loins were stirring?"
Archer
"- Lf not frothing. - Frothing? Great. What should I do?"
Archer
"And how exactly would we do that?"
Archer
"She's obviously attracted to men of danger."
Archer
"- The perfect field agent. - Who better to train you to become one?"
Archer
"Archer train me? To be a field agent?"
Archer
"- Boy, wait till I tell her. - No."
Archer
"Cyril. Under no circumstance is Lana to know about our little..."
Archer
"- But about plans: Health plan switchover? - Cyril."
Archer
"I'll take care of whatever that is."
Archer
"- And Archer's really okay with this? - Oh, not at all."
Archer
"Which is just gravy."
Archer
"No, I just let mother think that because I know what she's up to..."
Archer
"vis-à-vis Cyril and Lana and me."
Archer
"is a lot of fights..."
Archer
"walking home from a lot of jazz-tap lessons."
Archer
"I so enjoy our talks. You got them?"
Archer
"Seriously, Krieger, you are my Oprah."
Archer
"So obviously I'm not happy about this whole arrangement, but..."
Archer
"But your mother is, so..."
Archer
"But I wonder what Lana thinks?"
Archer
"Oh, Lana's not need-to-know on this."
Archer
"Wow, "open purse, remove balls" huh?"
Archer
"- You gave Lana herpes? Ahem."
Archer
"- Hello, Cheryl. - It's Carol."
Archer
"What? Since when?"
Archer
"Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol."
Archer
"Wow, that's..."
Archer
"- Excuse us. - Ugh."
Archer
"Okay, now what is this herpes business?"
Archer
"Sorry, bad joke. And a false alarm."
Archer
"- Lesson one, get used to that. - Should I be writing this down?"
Archer
"No. Never leave a paper trail. That's lesson one."
Archer
"Cyril did that. This is what a real field agent uses."
Archer
"Huh. Point's a lot finer than I prefer."
Archer
"- That's because it's a hypodermic needle... - What?"
Archer
"And the cartridge is full of a deadly super-toxin called..."
Archer
"Poizocaine."
Archer
"- Here. Keep it in here. - Uh... Hey, whoa."
Archer
"The cap slips off for, like, no reason."
Archer
"Beep, beep, beep."
Archer
"Oh, you giving me the truck noise..."
Archer
"Karen Carpenter's stunt double? - I thought you were walking backwards."
Archer
"I'm so over that lame flex account. When does the HSA start?"
Archer
"When Cyril e-files these DD-14s."
Archer
"- Oh, Ms. Archer's taking care of those. - What?"
Archer
"Cyril's off somewhere with Mr. Archer."
Archer
"I'm sorry, Cyril's off what? With whom?"
Archer
"- "Mr. Archer" was the "whom." - Worlds collide, huh?"
Archer
"- Oh. Yeah. Call the kettle black. - Ugh."
Archer
"I'm the Human Resources Director, Little Miss Hostile Work Environment."
Archer
"She is riddled with herpes."
Archer
"Hey. Inappropriate workplace topic."
Archer
"And also a dealbreaker."
Archer
"- Lesson one: Human intel... - Oh, shoot."
Archer
"That's Mother's headache."
Archer
"You tell me, does it look like I'm allergic?"
Archer
"- Jesus Jones, yes. - So when I asked for cucumber slices..."
Archer
"which one of you idiots sent up zucchini?"
Archer
"- Because this is obviously zucchini. Oh."
Archer
"You'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich."
Archer
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Archer
"That is Pam, isn't it?"
Archer
"Well, there's false flags, dead-drops, drop-outs, cut-outs..."
Archer
"the often under-appreciated honeypot?"
Archer
"- Wow. - One of my favorites."
Archer
"almost all of it, but..."
Archer
"- Oh, hey hon. - Hey back."
Archer
"- Hello. - What's..."
Archer
"here's the thing..."
Archer
"Under no circumstance is Lana to know about our little..."
Archer
"... plan."
Archer
"- Here's what thing? - Okay."
Archer
"- Archer's DD-14. - Yeah."
Archer
"- Really? - Well..."
Archer
"- Yeah. - Yeah."
Archer
"Speargun?"
Archer
"- Oh. I can't believe I just did that. - Yeah, dunce."
Archer
"Now Jane's a loose end."
Archer
"Hey, Jane."
Archer
"Keep your story vague. That's lesson one."
Archer
"But, I mean, morality aside, how do you keep track of all these lies?"
Archer
"Practice, Cyril. Lying is, like, 95 percent of what I do."
Archer
"It was pretty cool how you handled that speargun."
Archer
"- Yeah, it was pretty cool. - Will I get to learn karate?"
Archer
"Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts?"
Archer
"- No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga. - Krav?"
Archer
"We've got an ex-Mossad guy, he comes in Thursdays."
Archer
"- Neat. - Yeah. Tuesdays he does a spin class."
Archer
"What's wrong with these?"
Archer
"Sorry."
Archer
"Oh."
Archer
"I was laughing at your clothes."
Archer
"Wow, Archer, you were right. A tailored suit hangs so much better."
Archer
"That's because Woodhouse is a genius."
Archer
"Like so many other geniuses, unappreciated in his life..."
Archer
"Shut up and hem, you old fruit."
Archer
"- Cyril, check this out. Watch yourself."
Archer
"- Really? - Don't make it weird. It's your friend."
Archer
"- And so's this baby. Jeezy Petes."
Archer
"- .25 caliber. - When would you use an underwear-gun?"
Archer
"Hopefully never. But say you're..."
Archer
"in a Caribbean bungalow and you're kind of high."
Archer
"An exotic woman on the bed..."
Archer
"now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for?"
Archer
"- Or is she an assassin? - I don't know. I..."
Archer
"How should I know. Exactly."
Archer
"to deliver one bottle of champagne? Oh."
Archer
"- Because they're assassins too. - Or..."
Archer
"Maybe one guy's a new waiter, the second one's training him..."
Archer
"and the third's from maintenance, finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC."
Archer
"Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen."
Archer
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