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Clips from The Good Place - Pilot (S01E01)

"You hogged all the shrimp,"
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"and now there are shrimp flying around."
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"You called Tahani a giraffe,"
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"Okay, fine, turns out there are many ways"
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"to know that it was me."
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"Let's just face it, Eleanor,"
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"you don't belong here."
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"Well, then this system sucks."
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"What, one in a million gets to live in paradise"
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"and everyone else is tortured for eternity?"
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"Come on."
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"I mean, I wasn't freaking Gandhi,"
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"but I was okay."
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"I was a medium person."
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"Like Cincinnati."
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"Everyone who wasn't perfect but wasn't terrible"
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"should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati."
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"Look, apparently it doesn't work that way."
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"I'm sorry, Eleanor,"
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"but there's nothing anyone can do."
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"Unless..."
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"there is something we can do."
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"Unless you could teach me."
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"Teach you what?"
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"How to be good."
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"That was your job, right?"
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"A professor of ethics?"
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"No one knew I was a problem when I arrived."
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"Things only started getting crazy"
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"after I was an ash-hole to everyone at the party."
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"You know I'm trying to say ash-hole"
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"and not ash-hole, right?"
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"I got that, yes."
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"Okay, give me a chance."
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"Let me earn my place here."
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"Hey, guys!"
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"Uh, emergency neighborhood meeting, now!"
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"We'll be right there, Michael!"
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"If I walk out of here in these clothes,"
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"I'm toast."
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"What's it gonna be?"
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"Oh, stomachache."
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"I, uh... I don't know what to do here."
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"This is a mess, morally speaking."
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"This is a putrid, disgusting bowl"
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"of ethical soup."
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"Okay, well how about we just chill"
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"and go to the town meeting"
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"and talk it out after?"
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"- W... - Great."
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"Hey, how do I make that helper woman show up?"
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"Magical slave robot?"
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"Excuse me, Janet?"
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"Hi there."
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"Gah... still not used to it."
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"Um, Janet, I need..."
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"quick question:"
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"can anyone access our search history,"
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"or is this an incognito browsing situation"
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"like when you're stalking a hot male man"
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"from your work computer?"
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"including Michael."
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"Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?"
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"No. No, no, no, not porn."
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"I, um... I need clothes"
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"like yours and Chidi's with the stripes."
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"There you go."
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"Everybody, everybody!"
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"Uh, gather round, please, thank you, thank you."
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"Obviously, there's something very wrong"
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"with this neighborhood."
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"We don't know what it is,"
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"how long it will last,"
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"or what caused it."
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"What do we know, Janet?"
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"We know where it happened."
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"Here."
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"Yes, thank you, Janet."
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"The chaos happened here."
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"See, that's the trouble with these perfect systems."
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"One little flaw can lead to..."
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"well, it can lead to"
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"Gary over there."
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"Hey, Gary."
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"Hang in there, buddy."
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"Boy, my armpits are leaking."
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"What is that called again?"
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"Still not used to being in a human body."
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"And what do you do with sweat?"
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"And then you lick the cloth?"
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"That seems weirder."
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"It... it could mean that this is almost over."
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"Oh, such a relief."
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"That was my first time as a fashion don't,"
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"and I did not care for it."
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"Okay, I think it is time"
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"to make me good, partner. How do we do it?"
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"Is there a pill I can take"
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"or something I could vape?"
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"Where did you get a chalkboard?"
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"It's the Good Place;"
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"you can get anything you want at any time."
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"And you chose a chalkboard?"
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"What are you reading?"
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"The Metaphysics of Morals by Immanuel Kant."
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"It's a treatise on the aesthetic preconditions"
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"of the mind's receptivity to duty."
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"A book on how to act good."
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"Oh, great!"
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"So you've decided to help me?"
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"I don't know. There's a thousand questions."
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"Is there a moral imperative to help you?"
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"Do I have a greater obligation to my community?"
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"Are you taking someone else's spot,"
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"someone who deserves to be here?"
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"Ooh, on that question,"
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"I honestly think"
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"I was just put here by mistake."
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"Because Michael called me Eleanor Shellstrop,"
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"so he knows I'm me."
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