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Clips from The Big Bang Theory - The Pork Chop Indeterminacy (S01E01)

"I brought snacks."
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"Oh, my. Gherkins and...."
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"Onion dip. It's onion dip."
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"We don't entertain much."
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"Missy. Do you enjoy pajamas?"
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"- I guess. - Yeah, we lndians invented them."
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"Yeah, well, my people invented circumcision."
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"Missy, I'm gonna go get my nails done. Do you wanna come?"
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"- Bye, guys. - Bye, Missy."
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"Bye, Missy, see you."
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"- Goodbye, Leonard. - Yeah, no, bye, Penny."
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"Excuse me, this is my apartment, and she's my roommate's sister."
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"- So what? You've got Penny. - How do I have Penny?"
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"In what universe do I have Penny?"
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"- So I can have Penny? - Hell, no."
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"Excuse me, can I interject something?"
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"I'm ordering pizza online. Is everyone okay with pepperoni?"
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"- Sheldon, can I talk to you in private? - I guess."
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"Don't worry, I was going to order you cheese-less."
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"- Thank you. - It's okay."
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"Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about."
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"I'm a fancy lndian man. We invented pajamas."
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"Sheldon."
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"Are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?"
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"Hm."
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"She has the symmetry and low body fat that Western culture deems desirable."
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"It's noteworthy that at other points in history..."
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"...heavier women were the standard for beauty because girth suggested affluence."
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"- That's fascinating-- - I didn't say fascinating."
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"I said it was noteworthy."
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"All right. Noted."
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"But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz...."
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"Oh. Okay. You know, I don't want to criticize your rhetorical style..."
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"...but we'd be further along in this conversation..."
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"That's great, but--"
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"We took quite a detour from what I understand to be your thesis."
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"Okay, consider this."
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"With your father gone, it is your responsibility..."
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"...to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate."
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"I hadn't considered that."
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"So there is the possibility, however remote..."
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"...that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual..."
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"...as remarkable as myself."
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"Exactly. And you owe it to yourself and to posterity..."
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"...to protect the genetic integrity of your sister's future offspring."
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"You're right. If someone wants to get at Missy's fallopian tubes..."
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"...they'll have to go through me."
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"I am Shiva, the destroyer. I will have the woman."
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"I'm warning you. I was judo champion at math camp."
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"All right. That's enough juvenile squabbling."
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"...didn't become flatulent every time they ate an Eskimo Pie."
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"- What are you so happy about? - I'm not happy."
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"It's the medication. I can't stop smiling."
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"...we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable for my sister."
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"Wait a minute, Leonard made you aware of that?"
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"We all make mistakes. Let's move on."
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"Excuse me, but I think you're missing a big opportunity here."
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"- How so? - Everybody knows genetic diversity..."
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"...produces the strongest offspring."
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"In principle, you have a point."
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"But as a practical matter, need I remind you it takes experimental pharmaceuticals..."
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"...to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex?"
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"I think you're focusing entirely too much on the drugs."
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"Is it because I'm Jewish?"
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"Because I'd kill my rabbi with a pork chop to be with your sister."
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"This has nothing to do with religion."
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"This has to do with the fact that you're a tiny man..."
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"...who still lives with his mother."
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"- Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable. - Am l?"
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"Oh, really?"
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"Oops."
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"Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone."
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"Why does everyone suddenly wanna talk to me alone?"
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"Usually nobody wants to be alone with me."
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"I'm not even gonna ask why you're pimping me out for cheese..."
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"...but since when do you care at all about who I sleep with?"
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"Truthfully, I've never given it any thought..."
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"...but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential."
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"- What on earth are you talking about? - Let me explain."
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"You see, I'm a superior genetic mutation..."
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"...an improvement on the existing mediocre stock."
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"And what do you mean, "mediocre stock"?"
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"That would be you."
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"But residing within you is the potential for another me."
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"Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling."
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"A Sheldon 2.0, if you will."
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"- Sheldon 2.0? - Exactly."
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"If you're not attracted, then the likelihood of conception will be reduced."
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"- You have got to be kidding me. - Not at all."
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"Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertilization."
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"Okay, Shelly, sit down."
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"Now, I've lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is..."
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"...as Mom puts it, one of God's special little people."
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"A superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds."
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"The newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food..."
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"...Ieaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death."
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"Luckily for you, that's where the metaphor ended."
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"I thought it ended at cuckoo."
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"Now, you listen to me."
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"Bring it on."
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"But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with..."
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"...and you and I are gonna go round the way we did when we were little. Remember?"
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"- I have an alternate proposal. - Go on."
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"That way, everybody wins."
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"Correction. Missy can date whoever she wants."
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"- Look, we have to settle this. - I agree."
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"Sheldon's sister is hiding at Penny's because we've all been hitting on her."
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"She's not hiding. She needed to call her grandmother, who's apparently very sick."
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"Oh, you poor deluded bastard."
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"- Don't start with me, dude. - You wanna go again?"
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"- Sit down. - Okay."
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"If we're gonna fight over Missy, let's do it the right way."
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"The honorable way."
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"Take that."
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"You want some more?"
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"One, two, three, four--"
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"- Come on, come on! Get up. - Stay down, bitch."
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"Seven, eight, nine, 10."
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"Yeah! Natural selection at work."
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"I weep for humanity."
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