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Clips from American Dad! - Rapture's Delight (S05E05)

"and you'll have to put a big piece of coal in my stocking."
American Dad!
"[Growls] Damn your clumsy Christmas sex metaphors!"
American Dad!
"- Mmm. Mmm. - Mmm."
American Dad!
"[Both Moaning]"
American Dad!
"Wow. Thanks, Francine."
American Dad!
"If you're wondering why I lasted longer than usual..."
American Dad!
"the janitor made out of Windex bottles and rat fur."
American Dad!
"Strange. I don't hear anything."
American Dad!
"What's going on?"
American Dad!
"[Choir] # Gloria #"
American Dad!
"[Gasps] What's happening?"
American Dad!
"The rapture. Turns out there is a God."
American Dad!
"# Oh, gloria #"
American Dad!
"# Gloria ##"
American Dad!
"[Wind Whistling]"
American Dad!
"What? It can't be the rapture."
American Dad!
"If this were the rapture, I'd be floating up there."
American Dad!
"Actually, I never truly accepted Jesus into my heart."
American Dad!
"Steve! Hayley!"
American Dad!
"What's happening? I was just about to do something really funny."
American Dad!
"I'll tell you what's happening."
American Dad!
"It's the end of the world..."
American Dad!
"and we've been left behind."
American Dad!
"Oh, my God."
American Dad!
"But I knew that."
American Dad!
"Wait. There's been a mistake."
American Dad!
"Wait, hold on. This Bible stuff is real?"
American Dad!
"And then call Tim Robbins and tell him I banged Susan Sarandon."
American Dad!
"He'll know what it means."
American Dad!
"Father Donovan, what happens now?"
American Dad!
"Luckily, I know an expert."
American Dad!
"Hi, kids. I'm Ricky the Raptor, here to tell you about the rapture."
American Dad!
"The rapture is the beginning of the end of the world."
American Dad!
"What about the sinners that are left behind?"
American Dad!
"Did he forget something?"
American Dad!
"Nope. Jesus is coming back for Armageddon-"
American Dad!
"[Screeches]"
American Dad!
"where Jesus and his angels will battle demon soldiers of the underworld..."
American Dad!
"between Jesus and the Antichrist."
American Dad!
"You mean that green stuff that your daddy puts in the car?"
American Dad!
"[Ricky Giggles] No, silly."
American Dad!
"That's antifreeze."
American Dad!
"[Jo-Jo] Well, who's gonna win?"
American Dad!
"[Shrieking]"
American Dad!
"[Child] A Christian Kids Production."
American Dad!
"Stay cool."
American Dad!
"Uh, just about a mile up, and then I'll grab onto someone."
American Dad!
"Okay. Steve and Hayley Smith, your personal heavens are ready."
American Dad!
"Personal heavens?"
American Dad!
"Yeah, every saved soul gets a personalized paradise..."
American Dad!
"suited to their individual tastes."
American Dad!
"Here you are, Steve."
American Dad!
"Wait. There are so many doors."
American Dad!
"How can you be sure this is my heaven?"
American Dad!
"[Whinnies]"
American Dad!
"[Chuckling] It's my heaven."
American Dad!
"Authorities confirm the total number of raptured at 142 million."
American Dad!
"You may notice my partner Greg isn't here."
American Dad!
"That's because he was raptured."
American Dad!
"Apparently, God does love gays, but only if they're tops."
American Dad!
"Take it in the behind, you get left behind."
American Dad!
"Well, if we're gonna be left behind..."
American Dad!
"at least we're left behind together."
American Dad!
"Yeah."
American Dad!
"What the hell, Francine?"
American Dad!
"I'm trying to rebuild my spaceship so I can get off this planet..."
American Dad!
"but all my boxes of spare parts are full of Hard Rock Cafe sweatshirts."
American Dad!
"Oops. There must have been a mix-up when I gave stuff to Goodwill."
American Dad!
"Oh, okay, well, as long as there's a good explanation."
American Dad!
"Breaking news. The second coming of Jesus is here."
American Dad!
"That's right. Jesus has returned to Earth..."
American Dad!
"and tonight, he'll be at the Langley Falls Civic Arena..."
American Dad!
"where he'll brief mankind on his upcoming battle with the Antichrist."
American Dad!
"That's it. We'll just go to Jesus and explain there was a mistake."
American Dad!
"[Crowd Cheering]"
American Dad!
"Okay, the coast is clear."
American Dad!
"Yes?"
American Dad!
"I was supposed to be raptured, but there was a mistake."
American Dad!
"I'm sorry, Stan, but what's done is done."
American Dad!
"Wait. I know what this is about."
American Dad!
"It's because of the sex in church, isn't it?"
American Dad!
"Look, I didn't want to do it. She seduced me."
American Dad!
"- What? - Please, Jesus."
American Dad!
"Moral failings?"
American Dad!
"You think you're better than me?"
American Dad!
"- What? - That's why I'm going to rapture him."
American Dad!
"Wait. You're just gonna abandon me here during Armageddon?"
American Dad!
"Okay, look. I'll go up to heaven and get a hand stamp."
American Dad!
"I'll come out, lick it and press it against your hand."
American Dad!
"Oh, wait. That didn't work. You had to sit in the bus all night."
American Dad!
"- Aw, it'll work this time. - No, Stan."
American Dad!
"I wouldn't want to get you in trouble and drag you down again."
American Dad!
"In fact, you never have to worry about that again, because we're through."
American Dad!
"Oh, Francine."
American Dad!
"- No. Stan Smith- - [Ring Clinks On Floor]"
American Dad!
"go to heaven."
American Dad!
"[Buzzing]"
American Dad!
"[Both] I'm sorry. Go ahead."
American Dad!
"[Both Laugh] No. No, really."
American Dad!
"[Laughing]"
American Dad!
"[Both] I normally don't eat here because of the murders..."
American Dad!
"but it was right next to the arena."
American Dad!
"[Laughing]"
American Dad!
"[Both Sigh]"
American Dad!
"So you went to the Jesus sermon too."
American Dad!
"I don't have a boyfriend."
American Dad!
"I hope whatever he left a woman like you for is worth it."
American Dad!
"I thought they came off magically."
American Dad!
"[Zipper Unzips]"
American Dad!
"You're not really Jesus, are you?"
American Dad!
"Hi. Goodwill? Yeah, I'm calling again about my spaceship parts."
American Dad!
"Oh, hey, honey, good news."
American Dad!
"because I couldn't bear to leave you behind."
American Dad!
"Nice try."
American Dad!
"You didn't get raptured because that wasn't the real Jesus."
American Dad!
"He was just some phony trying to take advantage of desperate fools."
American Dad!
"[Laughs] Wh- What?"
American Dad!
"You're too much, lady."
American Dad!
"I know because I found Jesus, Stan."
American Dad!
"[Man] # He turned water into fine #"
American Dad!
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