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Clips from Archer - Motherless Child (S07E07)

for a nanosecond that I would help you?

"for a nanosecond that I would help you?"

Archer

No, you're not. You're coming to me as a robot mummy!

"No, you're not. You're coming to me as a robot mummy!"

Archer

Oh my God, who's-- Archer, no!

"Oh my God, who's-- Archer, no!"

Archer

Who's got--

"Who's got--"

Archer

Don't you say it! No mummy!

"Don't you say it! No mummy!"

Archer

Okay, so now we're doing this.

"Okay, so now we're doing this."

Archer

Bawk, bawk.

"Bawk, bawk."

Archer

Ugh, what is this, a stairs factory?

"Ugh, what is this, a stairs factory?"

Archer

Ugh! Oh. Oh, hey.

"Ugh! Oh. Oh, hey."

Archer

and it is very much mine. Any questions?

"and it is very much mine. Any questions?"

Archer

Krieger, looking at you. Okay, then.

"Krieger, looking at you. Okay, then."

Archer

Oh, and so guess who I saw last night?

"Oh, and so guess who I saw last night?"

Archer

Uh, Barry? Yeah, wait, how'd you--

"Uh, Barry? Yeah, wait, how'd you--"

Archer

Ahem. Wha--?

"Ahem. Wha--?"

Archer

We already tried that!

"We already tried that!"

Archer

And yet almost as satisfying as not helping you

"And yet almost as satisfying as not helping you"

Archer

find your stupid mother, which there's no way I'm gonna do!

"find your stupid mother, which there's no way I'm gonna do!"

Archer

Help!

"Help!"

Archer

Help!

"Help!"

Archer

Where is that? Where is she?

"Where is that? Where is she?"

Archer

It's a generator running an air pump!

"It's a generator running an air pump!"

Archer

You son of a--

"You son of a--"

Archer

Huh? Oh no, no, no. I've been planning this for weeks.

"Huh? Oh no, no, no. I've been planning this for weeks."

Archer

I knew when I asked you for help

"I knew when I asked you for help"

Archer

Barry, listen to me. Okay, but remember,

"Barry, listen to me. Okay, but remember,"

Archer

we don't have a lot of time here.

"we don't have a lot of time here."

Archer

That generator's only got about 12 more hours'

"That generator's only got about 12 more hours'"

Archer

worth of fuel, and once it runs out...

"worth of fuel, and once it runs out..."

Archer

No! Yeah.

"No! Yeah."

Archer

Pfff, a robot's like

"Pfff, a robot's like"

Archer

the furthest thing you can be from an anim--

"the furthest thing you can be from an anim--"

Archer

So if you wanna find your mother--

"So if you wanna find your mother--"

Archer

So, if we're done with the heroics...

"So, if we're done with the heroics..."

Archer

Hello? Who are you?

"Hello? Who are you?"

Archer

Why won't you answer me? What do you want?

"Why won't you answer me? What do you want?"

Archer

Ow! Quit squeezing the puppy, Lennie!

"Ow! Quit squeezing the puppy, Lennie!"

Archer

Oh hush, you big baby. It's just a through-and-through.

"Oh hush, you big baby. It's just a through-and-through."

Archer

Hey, I know you're upset, but we are gonna find Barry's mother,

"Hey, I know you're upset, but we are gonna find Barry's mother,"

Archer

and Malory is gonna be okay.

"and Malory is gonna be okay."

Archer

Now, I believe there was some mention of holes?

"Now, I believe there was some mention of holes?"

Archer

That's the spirit. Shut up.

"That's the spirit. Shut up."

Archer

And then talk again, but only to help me think of a way to kill Barry.

"And then talk again, but only to help me think of a way to kill Barry."

Archer

Why don't we just find his mother?

"Why don't we just find his mother?"

Archer

Why, just so she can bury him?

"Why, just so she can bury him?"

Archer

has gone so well for you in the past.

"has gone so well for you in the past."

Archer

Yeah, Lana, but this time it's, um...

"Yeah, Lana, but this time it's, um..."

Archer

But also it is.

"But also it is."

Archer

Because here's my concern...

"Because here's my concern..."

Archer

The orphanage where you grew up burned down.

"The orphanage where you grew up burned down."

Archer

Shut up, and all the records were lost in the fire,

"Shut up, and all the records were lost in the fire,"

Archer

so not only do you not know

"so not only do you not know"

Archer

You don't know the hospital where you were born.

"You don't know the hospital where you were born."

Archer

Uh-uh. Or the town, or even the county.

"Uh-uh. Or the town, or even the county."

Archer

Nope. Or even your actual date of birth!

"Nope. Or even your actual date of birth!"

Archer

I-- Look, if this was easy

"I-- Look, if this was easy"

Archer

I wouldn't have to bury ladies out in the desert!

"I wouldn't have to bury ladies out in the desert!"

Archer

Did you have to punch her in her bony face?

"Did you have to punch her in her bony face?"

Archer

It says here "grind." It's already ground from the store!

"It says here "grind." It's already ground from the store!"

Archer

And because it was a closed adoption with any record of it sealed,

"And because it was a closed adoption with any record of it sealed,"

Archer

and comb through millions of records!

"and comb through millions of records!"

Archer

I-- But even if we could hack in--

"I-- But even if we could hack in--"

Archer

Their password security's probably just eight-bit,

"Their password security's probably just eight-bit,"

Archer

so I'd suggest a combination of dictionary attack,

"so I'd suggest a combination of dictionary attack,"

Archer

and good old-fashioned brute force.

"and good old-fashioned brute force."

Archer

Oh, we can do that? Lemon squeezy.

"Oh, we can do that? Lemon squeezy."

Archer

Well, but so is painting the walls in here

"Well, but so is painting the walls in here"

Archer

See what I did there? Pun-wise?

"See what I did there? Pun-wise?"

Archer

but for me it's murder.

"but for me it's murder."

Archer

Damn it, people, my mother is buried alive!

"Damn it, people, my mother is buried alive!"

Archer

every last bit of this computing power!

"every last bit of this computing power!"

Archer

Still though... It is pretty hot.

"Still though... It is pretty hot."

Archer

It's nothing you haven't seen before.

"It's nothing you haven't seen before."

Archer

me and her b-b-b-boned. What?

"me and her b-b-b-boned. What?"

Archer

Did I know this? When was this?

"Did I know this? When was this?"

Archer

What, back when I was what, Lana? Human?

"What, back when I was what, Lana? Human?"

Archer

Well, then put some damn clothes on!

"Well, then put some damn clothes on!"

Archer

No, no! You can just feast

"No, no! You can just feast"

Archer

Here's an idea! Turn on the A/C!

"Here's an idea! Turn on the A/C!"

Archer

Yeah, right!

"Yeah, right!"

Archer

We're way over maximum voltage.

"We're way over maximum voltage."

Archer

I got about a buck-fifty in pennies

"I got about a buck-fifty in pennies"

Archer

goes to turn on the milking machine and gets electrocuted.

"goes to turn on the milking machine and gets electrocuted."

Archer

What? I mean, worst case we fry some circuits.

"What? I mean, worst case we fry some circuits."

Archer

Hmm... What?

"Hmm... What?"

Archer

I mean, how's Mother?

"I mean, how's Mother?"

Archer

Yeah, she's really losing her shit.

"Yeah, she's really losing her shit."

Archer

...hunt you bastards down

"...hunt you bastards down"

Archer

and have your guts for garters, you hear me?

"and have your guts for garters, you hear me?"

Archer

East Berlin, Warsaw. Ugh, Khartoum?

"East Berlin, Warsaw. Ugh, Khartoum?"

Archer

Or up to your ankles in camel blood.

"Or up to your ankles in camel blood."

Archer

they must not want you dead just yet.

"they must not want you dead just yet."

Archer

But what do they want? And where is this?

"But what do they want? And where is this?"

Archer

I mean, we're computating as fast as we can,

"I mean, we're computating as fast as we can,"

Archer

but every possible permutation of this password

"but every possible permutation of this password"

Archer

is something on the order of ten to the ninth power, so--

"is something on the order of ten to the ninth power, so--"

Archer

Whoo!

"Whoo!"

Archer

Although I can feel just the slightest draft, but...

"Although I can feel just the slightest draft, but..."

Archer

Whoo! Barry's baggin' some tea!

"Whoo! Barry's baggin' some tea!"

Archer

I suppose there's really no telling.

"I suppose there's really no telling."

Archer

You spend your whole life in espionage,

"You spend your whole life in espionage,"

Archer

you're going to make a few enemies.

"you're going to make a few enemies."

Archer

But kiddo, you're not gonna sit here on your keister

"But kiddo, you're not gonna sit here on your keister"

Archer

And now for step two.

"And now for step two."

Archer

Step two's always a bitch.

"Step two's always a bitch."

Archer

Well, I think the first thing we should do

"Well, I think the first thing we should do"

Archer

is make Pam put on some clothes.

"is make Pam put on some clothes."

Archer

Don't try to body shame me!

"Don't try to body shame me!"

Archer

Dog Tits! Yeah, shut up.

"Dog Tits! Yeah, shut up."

Archer

all these millions of records line by line,

"all these millions of records line by line,"

Archer

looking for any records with your given name,

"looking for any records with your given name,"

Archer

and hope we can cross-reference that

"and hope we can cross-reference that"

Archer

to find some record of your birth mother's name.

"to find some record of your birth mother's name."

Archer

What? How long is that gonna take?

"What? How long is that gonna take?"

Archer

I-- Awhile, Archer.

"I-- Awhile, Archer."

Archer

Oh, well then, can I borrow Krieger?

"Oh, well then, can I borrow Krieger?"

Archer

No. How does that help the situation?

"No. How does that help the situation?"

Archer

thanks to your new best friend, Darth Barry!

"thanks to your new best friend, Darth Barry!"

Archer

Krieger, break room now, goddamn it! So, is it cool if I--

"Krieger, break room now, goddamn it! So, is it cool if I--"

Archer

Yeah, but give him some morphine or something to shut him up,

"Yeah, but give him some morphine or something to shut him up,"

Archer

'cause I've really got this warm, hopeful feeling right now,

"'cause I've really got this warm, hopeful feeling right now,"

Archer

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