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Clips from Mike & Molly - First Date (S01E01)

"Previously on Mike & Molly:"
Mike & Molly
"How about we hit clubs after we get off, huh?"
Mike & Molly
"Oh, baby, why are you punishing yourself?"
Mike & Molly
"- Hi, my name's Mike. I'm an overeater. Hi, Mike."
Mike & Molly
"I had a pretty fair week. I lost 3 pounds."
Mike & Molly
"Coming right up."
Mike & Molly
"First impressions, my friend."
Mike & Molly
"Make her think you can have sex whenever, with whoever you want..."
Mike & Molly
"Great. Just what I needed."
Mike & Molly
"...while I'm bent over the dishwasher and take me against my will."
Mike & Molly
"- You need to get out more. - Oh."
Mike & Molly
"Of course she was married to Jesus, but..."
Mike & Molly
"...who sold snow cones outside the church."
Mike & Molly
"I don't think we're gonna find anything for me. Let's go."
Mike & Molly
"That's why I prefer the Internet."
Mike & Molly
"I don't shop for style, I shop for comfort."
Mike & Molly
"I'll tell you right off the bat, we need to add color to your wardrobe."
Mike & Molly
"- You getting a kickback here? - Little bit."
Mike & Molly
"If I call now and tell him I'm sick..."
Mike & Molly
"No. I don't want a diet pill, Mom. I don't wanna be a swan."
Mike & Molly
"Any minute."
Mike & Molly
"Saying doo wa diddy diddy dum diddy"
Mike & Molly
"He would Turtle Wax that every Saturday. My sister and I would drink Cokes."
Mike & Molly
"I got to hold the hose. Ever hold the hose?"
Mike & Molly
"Oh, you think that's year-round or just on the Fourth of July, huh?"
Mike & Molly
"Sorry, what were you saying?"
Mike & Molly
"I was just, uh, asking if you enjoyed your snapper."
Mike & Molly
"Sure. Do you like your penis?"
Mike & Molly
"I've had some cold medicine and I'm feeling a little loopy."
Mike & Molly
"...when there's a chance that you might actually remember some of it."
Mike & Molly
"Hey, it was my fault, I was having a tomato soup and it got you to thinking."
Mike & Molly
"...and I was afraid if I did cancel, you wouldn't call me back."
Mike & Molly
"...I really like you too."
Mike & Molly
"Good."
Mike & Molly
"Okay, then."
Mike & Molly
"Well, you're a lady. You deserve it."
Mike & Molly
"Thank you."
Mike & Molly
"I told you. Andre knows how to gift wrap a big man."
Mike & Molly
"Uh-huh."
Mike & Molly
"Have a few drinks, find some bad girls who wanna cop some pleas."
Mike & Molly
"Or even better, please some cops."
Mike & Molly
"No, thanks, I got an OA meeting."
Mike & Molly
"Overeaters Anonymous on a Friday night? That is pathetic."
Mike & Molly
"Oh, I'm pathetic. Which one of us lives with his grandma?"
Mike & Molly
"Face it, you're a big-boned girl."
Mike & Molly
"Bones don't jiggle, Mom."
Mike & Molly
"Do I smell your double chocolate blackout cake?"
Mike & Molly
"Fresh out of the oven."
Mike & Molly
"- Give me. - Just gonna go to my OA meeting."
Mike & Molly
"You're never gonna meet a cute guy at the chub club."
Mike & Molly
"Then I took off my shirt and I found it about here."
Mike & Molly
"Molly. - Mike."
Mike & Molly
"I'm a fourth-grade teacher..."
Mike & Molly
"...and I'd love to have a police officer come and speak to my class."
Mike & Molly
"Okay. I will."
Mike & Molly
"All right."
Mike & Molly
"Hey, Samuel, could you pour my diet shake into a malted glass?"
Mike & Molly
"- What's wrong with this? - It's about presentation."
Mike & Molly
"See, if my mind thinks it's drinking a delicious, chocolaty treat..."
Mike & Molly
"...it forgets that it's trying to choke down a glass of powdery, diarrhea-inducing swill."
Mike & Molly
"Sometimes it does that too."
Mike & Molly
"Oh, I would love to, but, uh, I'm going out with Molly."
Mike & Molly
"Really? You finally called her? Why am I just hearing about this?"
Mike & Molly
"Oh, I'm sorry. Haven't you been following my Facebook page?"
Mike & Molly
"Dude, well, I tell you everything I do."
Mike & Molly
"You're not doing anything."
Mike & Molly
"While that is very hurtful..."
Mike & Molly
"...I'm gonna pass that off as a low-blood-sugar thing."
Mike & Molly
"He said, biting into his delicious bacon cheeseburger."
Mike & Molly
"- So where you taking her? - At that new French place at Navy Pier."
Mike & Molly
"Mmm, nice. But don't let them talk you into anything with truffles. That's a scam."
Mike & Molly
"Just fancy-ass fungus."
Mike & Molly
"- Noted. - What are you gonna wear?"
Mike & Molly
"A tube top and a tiara. What difference does it make?"
Mike & Molly
"There's three things you want a woman to believe about you."
Mike & Molly
"Oh, good, advice from a man who lives with his grandma."
Mike & Molly
"Interject words "uh-huh" and "really" as often as possible."
Mike & Molly
"- You can't say it too much. - Really?"
Mike & Molly
"Uh-huh."
Mike & Molly
"Two, make her think you're tortured. Equal parts good and evil."
Mike & Molly
"- There's no telling which side's gonna win. - Create an illusion of danger."
Mike & Molly
"Exactly. Bad boys get all the yum-yum."
Mike & Molly
"And three, and most important:"
Mike & Molly
"...and whatever happens with her is no big deal."
Mike & Molly
"- Well, how do you do that? - It's a Zen thing."
Mike & Molly
"You gotta look at reality as an illusion."
Mike & Molly
"Therefore, you want nothing and you need nothing."
Mike & Molly
"It also helps to masturbate about two or three times before you leave the house."
Mike & Molly
"Thank you. Very helpful."
Mike & Molly
"I'm a fountain of wisdom. Drink from me."
Mike & Molly
"The thing is it's not really my style to pretend to be somebody I'm not."
Mike & Molly
"What you see is what you get. I try to be honest with people."
Mike & Molly
"I try to be honest with myself."
Mike & Molly
"- Who ordered the chocolate malt? - I did, I did."
Mike & Molly
"Oh, God."
Mike & Molly
"Damn it."
Mike & Molly
"Hey, sweetie. Dinner's almost ready."
Mike & Molly
"Ma, why do you keep setting the alarm when you're still in the house?"
Mike & Molly
"It's a precaution. I don't want some home invader to sneak in..."
Mike & Molly
"Oh, sure. Like that's possible."
Mike & Molly
"- How was work? - Great. I'm living the dream."
Mike & Molly
"You're the one who wanted to be a teacher."
Mike & Molly
"I wanted you to be a prima ballerina."
Mike & Molly
"Completely disregarding the fact..."
Mike & Molly
"...that I was 140 pounds in second grade."
Mike & Molly
"Swans come in all sizes, potato bug."
Mike & Molly
"So, what you got going this weekend? Some fun plans?"
Mike & Molly
"I mean, what's it been, like, a year?"
Mike & Molly
"Eighteen months. And thank you for asking."
Mike & Molly
"Oh."
Mike & Molly
"Hey, there's no shame in it."
Mike & Molly
"Your Aunt Margaret went without a man for seven years."
Mike & Molly
"Oh. At least until she snapped and ran off with that Puerto Rican boy..."
Mike & Molly
"Darn, what's the code?"
Mike & Molly
"It's the house number."
Mike & Molly
"Man, this is one big-ass dummy."
Mike & Molly
"He's got your hairline and my body."
Mike & Molly
"This could be our baby."
Mike & Molly
"Whoa, I thought you were gonna give this a chance."
Mike & Molly
"Sorry, I'm just not comfortable trying clothes on in public."
Mike & Molly
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