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Clips from M*A*S*H - Bananas, Crackers and Nuts (S01E01)

"— But, Hawkeye—— —I know what you want, what they all want."
M*A*S*H
"and lets you get in front ofhim in chow line, he‘s a pushover."
M*A*S*H
"Well, let me tell you something, Lieutenant Forget it!"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m not that kind ofa boy."
M*A*S*H
"— I‘m worried about Hawkeye. —We|l, I wouldn‘t be."
M*A*S*H
"— He does very well looking after himself. — Very well."
M*A*S*H
"— What does that mean? — He seems to be losing touch with reality."
M*A*S*H
"[ Laughs] I think the last person we have to worry about..."
M*A*S*H
"— is Hawkeye Pierce. —I second that."
M*A*S*H
"— [ Chuckling] —;J[Humming]"
M*A*S*H
"J; [ Continues Humming]"
M*A*S*H
"— Were youjust in surgery? —;J [ Continues Humming]"
M*A*S*H
"There‘s nothing funny here to me, Frank."
M*A*S*H
"I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece ofliver."
M*A*S*H
"—;J [ Continues Humming] —Lii/er?"
M*A*S*H
"Okay, okay."
M*A*S*H
"But where did you get it?"
M*A*S*H
"From that North Korean."
M*A*S*H
"What North Korean? The—— You mean the one that——"
M*A*S*H
"The one that croaked."
M*A*S*H
"You didn‘t."
M*A*S*H
"You must be... loony! Now, what is this?"
M*A*S*H
"|fyou want tojoin me for breakfast, we can have a stack of pancreas."
M*A*S*H
"You touched my plate! You‘re not sterile!"
M*A*S*H
"You‘ve ruined my liver! Ruined it!"
M*A*S*H
"And we‘re all out ofNorth Koreans!"
M*A*S*H
"— Stop it! Stop it! — Are you crazy or something?"
M*A*S*H
"[ Others Gasp]"
M*A*S*H
"|don‘t think| needed that."
M*A*S*H
"Radar."
M*A*S*H
"— Take him back to the swamp and give him the blue pill. —Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Don‘t touch me."
M*A*S*H
"Filthy liver thief."
M*A*S*H
"[ Trapper] Well, Frank?"
M*A*S*H
"but Pierce has always been a rock."
M*A*S*H
"Let me take him to Tokyo for some R&R before he cracks up any further!"
M*A*S*H
"[Bangs Table] Frank, I‘m the only one that can handle him."
M*A*S*H
"You know, Pierce was saying only this morning what a——"
M*A*S*H
"what a considerate, intelligent human being you are."
M*A*S*H
"J‘JUapanese]"
M*A*S*H
"I‘ve made my decision."
M*A*S*H
"Why do I still feel so uneasy?"
M*A*S*H
"Because we both know what operators they are."
M*A*S*H
"How about this?"
M*A*S*H
"Phil Sherman. He‘s been crazy about me foryears."
M*A*S*H
"Hmm. “Crazy.“ Isn‘t that funny?"
M*A*S*H
"|don‘t think anybody being crazy about you is funny, Margaret."
M*A*S*H
"Jealous? I envy anyone that comes close to you."
M*A*S*H
"and ifanybody can spot a phony——"
M*A*S*H
"Do you see what I‘m getting at?"
M*A*S*H
"[ Both] J My blue heaven J;"
M*A*S*H
"In a few hours, I‘m gonna be in the arms ofsomebodyl haven‘t even met yet."
M*A*S*H
"I‘lldrinkto that. JM Humming]"
M*A*S*H
"Uh, Hawkeye?"
M*A*S*H
"“By order of Major Frank Burns, acting commanding officer,"
M*A*S*H
"—Oh,yeah? —[C|ears Throat]"
M*A*S*H
"“Captain B.F. Pierce will make himself available tomorrow morning..."
M*A*S*H
"What kind ofan examination?"
M*A*S*H
"We||,you canjust tell your psy—chi—atrist that I‘m not gonna be here."
M*A*S*H
"Yeah, tell him to start without him."
M*A*S*H
"We‘re gonna be in a hotel in Tokyo."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, the bellhops are here. This is a nice room."
M*A*S*H
"Yeah, I, uh, I stay here all the time."
M*A*S*H
"Well,thanks, fellas. I‘lljust slip into something comfortable."
M*A*S*H
"— Take the captain‘s bags to the visiting officers‘ tent. — Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"— Ma‘am. -Sir?"
M*A*S*H
"— Dismissed. —Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"— It‘s been a long time. —San Diego."
M*A*S*H
"|waited foryou in the bar until 4:00 am. You never came."
M*A*S*H
"—I said I wouldn‘t. —You didn‘t lie."
M*A*S*H
"| thinkyou‘d better see Captain Pierce right away."
M*A*S*H
"Captain, for me to do m y job,"
M*A*S*H
"So the sooneryou trust me, the sooner I‘m gonna be able to helpyou."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, I trust you. Why wouldn‘tl trust you?"
M*A*S*H
"— That‘s a very healthy attitude. — Thankyou."
M*A*S*H
"— You‘re welcome. — To be sure."
M*A*S*H
"— Right. — Wrong."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, I was associating freely. I thought you‘d expect that."
M*A*S*H
"— No, no, no. — Yes, yes, yes."
M*A*S*H
"No. We‘re not going to do that."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, I‘m sorry."
M*A*S*H
"Listen, we‘re both professional men."
M*A*S*H
"Let‘s get right to it. What‘s your problem?"
M*A*S*H
"I appreciate your forthright approach. I‘m gonna level with you."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m in love."
M*A*S*H
"That‘s nice, I‘m sure."
M*A*S*H
"But it doesn‘t explain your rather erratic behavior of late."
M*A*S*H
"Did you say “he“?"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m relying on your professional discretion."
M*A*S*H
"Ofcourse."
M*A*S*H
"Who is it?"
M*A*S*H
"— Frank Burns. — Major Burns?"
M*A*S*H
"Frank."
M*A*S*H
"Tell me about him."
M*A*S*H
"in the same tent month after month..."
M*A*S*H
"and having him think ofme asjust another guy."
M*A*S*H
"Go on, please."
M*A*S*H
"Somehow I feel sharing a casualty brings us closer together."
M*A*S*H
"Ofcourse."
M*A*S*H
"But he‘s only got eyes for Hot Lips."
M*A*S*H
"You know she dyes her hair blonde?"
M*A*S*H
"That‘s why I dyed my hair black."
M*A*S*H
"Keep talking, Doctor."
M*A*S*H
"Doyou thinka girl should throw herselfat him like that?"
M*A*S*H
"Anything new develop while I was gone, Radar?"
M*A*S*H
"— Oh, nothing much, sir. — Good."
M*A*S*H
"Just Captain Pierce all ofa sudden went bananas,"
M*A*S*H
"and they had to call in a psychiatrist."
M*A*S*H
"— They what? — There‘s a latrine—o—gram going around..."
M*A*S*H
"that he might be shipped out to the laughing academy."
M*A*S*H
"Captain Sherman, do you——"
M*A*S*H
"— Major. Major. — Captain."
M*A*S*H
"Thankyou."
M*A*S*H
"The captain thinks that Pierce is a candidate for the funny farm."
M*A*S*H
"Now, we all know what a practical jol"
M*A*S*H
"So, Frank, why don‘t you tell us about the time that, when you were asleep,"
M*A*S*H
"Oh, I‘d rather not, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Well, then tell him about the time he sedated you..."
M*A*S*H
"and then set both your arms and legs in plaster..."
M*A*S*H
"and hung you from the ceiling in traction ropes."
M*A*S*H
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