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Clips from Archer - Danger Island: Different Modes of Preparing the Fruit (S09E09)

"A, nothing, and B, also nothing."
Archer
"- For one hour? A thousand francs. - What?!"
Archer
"- Wait, is that a lot? - Yes!"
Archer
"- That depends... - Yes!"
Archer
"On if you think 35 bucks is a lot."
Archer
"- What?! - Right?!"
Archer
"Well, we have to see what the market will bear..."
Archer
"And if I only get 40%..."
Archer
"[gasps] Fourteen goddamn dollars?!"
Archer
"Well, minus your room and board,"
Archer
"- so let's just call it an even... nine. - Nine dollars?"
Archer
"To have sexual intercourse. With a total stranger."
Archer
"I don't know why you're so pissed,"
Archer
"I was a stranger and you banged me for free."
Archer
"Yeah, well, at least with him I get two eyeballs."
Archer
"- Hey! - One thousand, please. In advance."
Archer
"- [scoffs] Where is the trust? - Where is the money?"
Archer
"- [annoyed sigh] Pam? - What? Aww, man..."
Archer
"I was saving that for a whole big girlie treat day for myself."
Archer
"Go to the beauty parlor, get a new dress..."
Archer
"No one cares."
Archer
"- Teeming. - [Fuchs] One for dinner, please."
Archer
"Und tell the chef I want"
Archer
"the biggest steak in the house, rare und bloody."
Archer
"I must replenish my Lebenskraft. [involuntary shudder]"
Archer
"[chuckling] Try not to fall in love."
Archer
"And you might as well start now,"
Archer
"see if you can get a free meal out of it."
Archer
"- You said my board's included! - Just the continental breakfast, dear."
Archer
"- Wha...? - [small gasp] Free bear claws!"
Archer
"- Rrgh! - Rrowwr!"
Archer
"- [loud] Rrrrghh! - Rrrowwrrr!"
Archer
"[clears throat] Rowr."
Archer
"[Charlotte, boozy] So, breadfruit... What's that about?"
Archer
"Oh, about one kilo, on average."
Archer
"Zat was a joke. [drunken laugh]"
Archer
"Hey, are you gonna eat those potatoes"
Archer
"- and stuff or whatever? - Ja?"
Archer
"Because I should probably maybe eat something."
Archer
"- I'm getting kinda drunk. - Ja."
Archer
"[whispers] And sometimes when I'm drunk, I can get a little... crazy."
Archer
"- Ja? - Jaaa."
Archer
"So I at least need a haircut. [hiccups] Care-cut."
Archer
"- [hiccups] Carrot! - Oh. [Chuckles]"
Archer
"Don't worry liebchen... I have eine große Karotte for you."
Archer
"Wow. [Hiccups] How are you still single?"
Archer
"Okay, Crackers, this is where you come in..."
Archer
"- You see that bathroom window? - Yep."
Archer
"I want you to fly in there, and then meet us at the front door."
Archer
"Yep!"
Archer
"- And keep it down! - [Crackers] Yep, yep, yep!"
Archer
"[annoyed sigh] It's like if a..."
Archer
"[glass shatters] Wha? [small gasp]"
Archer
"- I'm sorry! - [Archer] Goddamn it..."
Archer
"- [Crackers] Sorry! Jesus. - C'mon, let's go."
Archer
"- [glass shatters] I swear to God... - And you know they live to be like, eighty."
Archer
"- How old's he? - What, 40?"
Archer
"[objects crash] Ugh."
Archer
"[whispers] Goddamn it, bird!"
Archer
"[Crackers] Well, who puts that there?!"
Archer
"Are you in position?!"
Archer
"[Crackers] For what?"
Archer
"- To open the door! - [Crackers] What?"
Archer
"- Open the goddamn door! - [Crackers] How?"
Archer
"- What do you mean, how?! - Yeah, what was your plan there?"
Archer
"I don't know, jump on the handle!"
Archer
"- [Crackers] It's a knob! - Clearly a knob."
Archer
"[deep breath] Oh, my God."
Archer
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay, let me think."
Archer
"What, what if we... [window shatters]"
Archer
"Wh...?! Would you do that?!"
Archer
"Because we don't have all night!"
Archer
"We also don't want Fuchs to know somebody broke into his house!"
Archer
"[Crackers] Oh, he's gonna know..."
Archer
"[Fuchs] Öffne deinen mund, mein leibchen!"
Archer
"Hier kommt der Zug in den Bahnhof!"
Archer
"Doot dooooot!"
Archer
"[grunts] And how is everything, Miss Vandertunt?"
Archer
"[mumbles]"
Archer
"Wonderful, wonderful."
Archer
"And would you and your guest care to enjoy"
Archer
"brandy and cigars in your room upstairs?"
Archer
"- Grrrr... - Ja, we will enjoy zis very much."
Archer
"[swallows] Doot doot."
Archer
"[laughs]"
Archer
"Because why are you so mad?!"
Archer
"Because why'd you shit on the sofa?!"
Archer
"- I was scared! - Of what?!"
Archer
"How mad you'd be that I shit on the sofa!"
Archer
"Bird, I swear... Ow!"
Archer
"- What the...? - [Pam] What is it?"
Archer
"It happens to be a large brown suitcase, Pam."
Archer
"With some kinda spy radio inside."
Archer
"- [sing-songy] Dun dun dunnnnnn! - Bird?"
Archer
"Knock it off, you licknuts."
Archer
"And come here, look at all this shit."
Archer
"- What the...? - [Pam] Right? And check this out..."
Archer
"- [Archer] What's it all mean? - Beats me, but I'm thinking"
Archer
"- that kraut is into some weird shit. - [coughs] Redundant."
Archer
"[jazz playing over record player] [Fuchs] Ja, mein liebchen,"
Archer
"und wir tanzen... und so schÃ♪n ist der Jazz..."
Archer
"Und Gott verdammt deisen Büstenhalter!"
Archer
"- Wait, what? - Und wir tanzen..."
Archer
"[Pam gasps] And you guys, check this out!"
Archer
"[Archer] Holy shit! That's the island!"
Archer
"- Gooosebumps! - Racist. All birds have bumps."
Archer
"[Archer] And look, I bet that's the idol!"
Archer
"[Pam gasps] Okay, come on, let's go!"
Archer
"What're you...? No! We can't take"
Archer
"the map, he'll know he got robbed!"
Archer
"- Ya think?! - Well, technically burgled, but..."
Archer
"Bird! Pam, copy it!"
Archer
"- The bird? - The map! Goddamn it!"
Archer
"You copy the map, we'll clean up all the mess!"
Archer
"- Man, where to start, right? Rrrk! - Said the feather duster."
Archer
"[Fuchs straining, exertion noises]"
Archer
"Komm schon! [Body thuds, thumps] Du doof Schlampe!"
Archer
"[Charlotte snoring] [Fuchs] Wohl, das wird dich aufwecken!"
Archer
"Son of a... Knock knock!"
Archer
"[Fuchs] Nein, nein!"
Archer
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