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Clips from Archer - Danger Island: Different Modes of Preparing the Fruit (S09E09)

"- Not a gold monkey. - But it could be gold, though."
Archer
"Yeah, I guess, as long as it's not monkey-shaped."
Archer
"- What're we talking about? - Why you're not a dog."
Archer
"- Shut up, dodos. - Flightless."
Archer
"- So where is it?! - I don't know!"
Archer
"- Where's what? - The idol!"
Archer
"- Oooh... - But since they had us fly 'em around"
Archer
"over the jungle... Oh, for... I assume it's in the jungle."
Archer
"A golden idol, somewhere in the jungle."
Archer
"I bet it's worth millions!"
Archer
"[music theme]"
Archer
"[Fuchs] I think you must sharpen your pencil."
Archer
"- Excuse me? - "Sharpen your pencil?""
Archer
"It is idiom?"
Archer
"- This is a fairly common phrase, no? - No."
Archer
"It means there's a problem with your arithmetic."
Archer
"My government will pay one hundred thousand Reichsmarks"
Archer
"for the idol, und not one pfennig more."
Archer
"Hmm. I wonder how much Japan would pay..."
Archer
"What does Japan have to do with this?"
Archer
"Well, I'm sure they'd like to lease an airfield on the island,"
Archer
"if, say, they ever declared war on America?"
Archer
"Mein Gott. Are you serious?"
Archer
"The French have subjugated my people for a hundred years."
Archer
"I would do literally anything to be rid of them."
Archer
"Literally? Or figuratively?"
Archer
"- Why? What did you have in mind? - Oh. [Chuckles]"
Archer
"Well, it is hard to say, my mind is quite racing,"
Archer
"- there are many thoughts in there. - Pick one."
Archer
"Perhaps we could pay... five hundred thousand?"
Archer
"- Wait, what are you...? - Shh. Pretending I'm on the phone."
Archer
"Hello, Japan? Hi, yeah. So listen..."
Archer
"All right! One million Reichsmarks!"
Archer
"Payable only once we have secured the idol."
Archer
"And so far, we have no idea where to even look for it."
Archer
"As for that, I found this,"
Archer
"hidden among my great-grandfather's papers..."
Archer
"Fantastich! So do we have a deal?"
Archer
"If, when the time comes,"
Archer
"Germany helps my people overthrow the French."
Archer
"[chuckles] Ja, I think I can safely promise"
Archer
"that soon you won't have to worry about France."
Archer
"Then yes, Herr Sebert, we have a deal."
Archer
"Wunderbar."
Archer
"Now then, I believe there was some mention of a pencil?"
Archer
"Oh, ja, ich habe eine großen Bleistift..."
Archer
"I'll be the judge of that. [unzips zipper]"
Archer
"[Archer] Okay, Fuchs is renting a bungalow on the edge of town,"
Archer
"so I say we break in, snoop around,"
Archer
"and see what we can find out about this gold non-monkey."
Archer
"- So rob him. - Well, technically burgle, but..."
Archer
"Shut up, but yeah. For clues."
Archer
"- Ooh, like maybe there's a map. - Yes! Like a treasure map!"
Archer
"Yeah, right, with a big X on it,"
Archer
"- treasure chest, skull-and-bones... - Don't be shitty! And also,"
Archer
"why would the map have pirate shit all over it?"
Archer
"Well, we are in the shipping lane."
Archer
"So, you weren't kidding around about that pencil, huh?"
Archer
"- That is not a topic for levity. - Fair enough."
Archer
"It is interesting, I notice zat, even in the throes of passion,"
Archer
"you have no trace of a Polynesian accent."
Archer
"Oh. That's because I was sent away to boarding in the States"
Archer
"when I was five, all the way through college."
Archer
"Und yet you mention alliance with Japan."
Archer
"I would think your affinity would lie with the United States."
Archer
"Right, because that worked out so well for Hawaii."
Archer
"I always found it ironic that"
Archer
"if you really want to get bent over, just ask a missionary."
Archer
"[coughs, spits] Fair enough."
Archer
"So why is the German government so interested in the tupua?"
Archer
"- The...? - Tupua. The idol."
Archer
"- Oh. Well, umm... - Oh, don't worry about them."
Archer
"In order join the royal guards, when they're 12 years old,"
Archer
"they have to agree to have their tongues cut out, so..."
Archer
"Gott im Himmel!"
Archer
"- [chuckling] That was a joke. - Oh, sorry, I..."
Archer
"[chuckling] Wow, ethnocentric much?"
Archer
"Tu'ua I matou."
Archer
"So. Tupua... Germany's interest in."
Archer
"Ah, yes, well, the Führer, um..."
Archer
"- The Charlie Chaplin guy. - Nein!"
Archer
"[clears throat] Nein. We never, ever say this thing."
Archer
"- Really? - Trust me. Anyway, the Führer is,"
Archer
"um, a bit of an anthropology buff."
Archer
"And so Germany will build a museum."
Archer
"- Fair enough... - The most powerful museum in the world!"
Archer
"[clears throat] For children. Of all ages."
Archer
"[Archer] Okay, so here's the plan..."
Archer
"We need to keep Fuchs away from his bungalow for a few hours,"
Archer
"so after he finishes eating dinner here..."
Archer
"How do you know he's gonna eat here?"
Archer
"[chuckling] Where else is he gonna eat? Luigi's?"
Archer
"[Italian theme]"
Archer
"[long, sad sigh]"
Archer
"- I like Luigi's. - Yeah, you're also teeming with mites."
Archer
"- Not teeming. - So, shut up. After dinner,"
Archer
"- we need to make sure he stays here... - Mkay."
Archer
"Don't you wanna know how?"
Archer
"- I'd like to know what, and why. - What?"
Archer
"What are you goofs doing here,"
Archer
"and follow up, why are you doing it here?"
Archer
"For your information, we're working on a plan"
Archer
"to earn enough money to pay you, and to get new wings, so..."
Archer
"It better not be chinchilladas!"
Archer
"- Oh, my God... - Heh. Oh, my God!"
Archer
"- See?! [laughing] - Chinchilladas! I'd forgotten all about that!"
Archer
"- It's not chinchilladas! - [Crackers laughs] Jesus... Christ..."
Archer
"Well, whatever it is, do it somewhere else."
Archer
"- We can't. - Why not?!"
Archer
"Hey... Because we wanna hire her."
Archer
"Wait, what?"
Archer
"Wait, eww! Who is "we"?!"
Archer
"- Like, we-we, or... - Yeah!"
Archer
"No, not... It's for after dinner."
Archer
"- Oh, right. - That makes more sense."
Archer
"We want her to entertain the kraut for an hour or so."
Archer
"That greasy little German guy?!"
Archer
"- No! - Why are you talking?"
Archer
"Alright, A, what are you up to,"
Archer
"and B, what's it got to do with Fuchs?"
Archer
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