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Clips from The Good Place - Most Improved Player (S01E01)

"but please, when you're talking to Michael,"
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"try to think about what she's had to go through."
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"All right. I will, for you."
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"But we've been through a lot as well."
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"You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend"
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"Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye,"
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"Did you ever appear on the American television program"
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"or post on any social media site that you were emotionally invested"
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"in any of the relationships the contestants were pursuing?"
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"No."
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"Okay."
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"You did very well on the questionnaire, Eleanor. So far, so good."
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"Michael, good news."
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"I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file."
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"Is it actually a cactus?"
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"I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop."
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"- I have the file. - You're sure?"
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"You have the file and not a cactus?"
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"That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file."
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"I do not have a cactus."
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"Excellent! Please, give me the file."
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"Well, I say we call it a day."
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"I mean, I nailed the questionnaire, and you're swimming in cacti."
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"Can't we just chalk this up to a hilarious mistake and move on?"
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"No, we can't, Eleanor."
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"There's no such thing as a mistake in this realm."
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"And yet, you are, somehow, a mistake."
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"I mean, you're a giant chunk of spinach in the teeth of the universe."
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"I need to understand every facet of this disaster."
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"Tell me a lie about yourself."
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"Any lie."
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"I love the opera."
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"And now a truth."
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"I love Women's MMA."
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"We don't like to use this."
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"We've never really had a call for it before you, but in the interest of time."
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"Eleanor, did you murder Janet?"
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"Do you know who did?"
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"Yes."
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"Will you tell me who it was?"
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"and I admire you for protecting him or her."
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"there's no room for bad people or bad actions."
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"So anyone involved in the murder of Janet"
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"will be reviewed and judged,"
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"and there will be consequences."
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"Tahani, come on in."
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"Chidi."
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"Impostor who soiled our paradise with her moral turpitude."
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"'Sup?"
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"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm amazing. Bad news."
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"Michael knows I didn't kill Janet,"
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"which means it's only a matter of time before he finds out that you did"
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"and that you did it because you were trying to stop Bonehead Jones over here."
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"Hey, homies!"
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"Then he'll figure out that Jianyu's also a phony, and, here's the real dong-buster,"
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"Oh..."
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"Which means Jianyu's gone, you might be gone,"
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"and all three of us are royally forking forked!"
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"This is terrible. What am I supposed to do if he asks me?"
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"I don't know. Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong,"
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"so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say yes."
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"On the other hand, snitches do get stitches."
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"That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep."
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"You just casually cited Immanuel Kant."
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"Yeah, I know we're in a miserable bind here,"
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"but this might be the proudest day of my life."
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"No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life."
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"Tahani, I'll get right to the crux of the matter."
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"Did you murder Janet?"
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"Absolutely not."
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"Well, people are just drawn to me."
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"You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say his name,"
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"to preserve his privacy, but he found my presence so comforting"
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"that he asked me to co-host his TV show Anderson Cooper 360."
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"Given what you learned about Eleanor, do you think she deserves to be here?"
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"You know, if it were up to me, I might find a way to look past her, um..."
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"Deficiencies."
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"But it's not up to me, is it?"
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"just didn't meet in her time on Earth."
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"So you think that I should send her to The Bad Place?"
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"Well, I didn't say that,"
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"but is her staying here unfair to those who earned their place?"
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"It sounds like you want her to leave."
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"Well, is it not she who wants us to leave her?"
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"Thank you, Tahani. You've been a big help."
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"Listen up, genius."
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"He's gonna call you in there in a second."
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"Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael"
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"you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics."
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"Oh, boy. No, don't say any of that."
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"Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a glowing cube."
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"Like the AllSpark? From Transformers?"
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"Sure, just like the AllSpark from Transformers,"
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"and he'll know instantly if you're lying about anything"
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"so only smiles and nods, got it?"
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"Wise, sage, centered Jianyu."
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"What to do with Eleanor?"
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"Should I let her stay? Should I send her away?"
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"You think I should send her away?"
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"No, I should let her stay?"
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"Or no, I shouldn't let her stay because she doesn't belong here?"
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"Or no, I shouldn't let her stay even though she does belong here?"
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"Oh, Jianyu, I wish I had your wisdom."
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"that I don't have, clarity."
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"It was Buddha who said,"
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""If a man lives a pure life."
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"I'm not a man, and I've lived no life,"
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"so will this destroy me?"
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"Oh, of course."
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"A cactus on its own intends no harm."
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"It's only when we interfere that it becomes dangerous."
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"I need to remember my own agency here. Oh, thank you, Jianyu."
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"You're free to go."
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"Oh, yes, of course. Help yourself. I've got plenty of those."
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"Hi, there. I have Eleanor's file."
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"Janet, if you hand me a cactus,"
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"I swear I will lose my mind."
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"Oh, yes!"
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"All right, here we go. Eleanor, come back in."
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"Chidi, you stay here."
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