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Clips from The Good Place - Most Improved Player (S01E01)

"after dropping margarita mix in grocery store parking lot,""
The Good Place
"Phoenix, Arizona, October 14th, 1986."
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"Janet?"
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"What's this?"
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"Janet, could you please locate the file for an Eleanor Shellstrop, born in..."
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"Anything else?"
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"Whee!"
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"Did you ever have a vanity license plate,"
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"And socks? Ew, who would do that?"
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"- Tahani, please. - Am I wrong?"
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"She... Well, she pretended to be my friend when I really needed one."
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"who was defending my best friend, Beyonce."
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"And finally, a multi-part question."
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"Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?"
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"Here you go."
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"Thank you, Janet."
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"You're welcome."
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"No."
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"I assume it was one of your friends,"
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"But, Eleanor, in The Good Place,"
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"Thank you for confessing, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't--"
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"Michael said anybody who did anything bad might have to go..."
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"Now, you spent a lot of time with Eleanor."
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"Why do you think that is?"
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"Well..."
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"I seek your wisdom in this moment of crisis."
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"Your devotion to the noble truths has given you something"
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""Nothing can destroy him.""
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"Ouch!"
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"Chidi, come on in."
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"And it's tied together with a Slim Jim."
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"She was terrible."
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"Hey, Mads."
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"My mom's a lawyer. Those asswipes are gonna pay."
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"Madison's famous."
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"Madison is psycho. She totally overreacted."
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"and I have like 40,000 tweets calling me the "Dress Bitch"?"
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"Oh..."
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"Do not tell me that you made t-shirts that said..."
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"Here is your first cut of the profits."
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"Given what you know about the people who've been brought here,"
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"do you think you belong in The Good Place?"
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"No, I don't."
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"Hello, Trevor."
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"Hey, there he is. Good to see you again, Mikey."
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"I'm gonna be pissed if I miss the Rose Ceremony."
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"And that I never did laundry."
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"making thousands of stops for literally no reason."
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"every time you think about how hot it is."
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"and when she found out that your retirement meant"
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"But, this is not Little League."
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"Eleanor, come on in."
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"Well, not often you get to confront your greatest failure face-to-face."
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"Good to see you, too, bud."
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"I am just dumbfounded as to how this happened."
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"Our system has never made a mistake before..."
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"It's just not possible."
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"And yet, here we are."
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"First things first..."
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"Who are you?"
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"Well, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop, and some of the info you had was right."
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"I mean, "flattened by boner pill truck"
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"that's a very me way to die."
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"But all the other info was wrong."
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"In my defense, when I first arrived, and you said,"
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""You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead, and you're in The Good Place.""
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"I had no reason to think that was a mistake."
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"Location and date of birth, please."
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"So sorry."
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"That's what I used to tell people when I lied about my age."
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"I was born in 1982."
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"You lied so much, you forgot your own birthday."
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"Not a great start,"
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"but it should be enough for Janet to locate your file."
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"- Janet... - What's that?"
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"What's that?"
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"Her memory's still being rebooted"
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"because, oh, you know, someone murdered her."
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"- 1982? - Yes."
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"Phoenix, Arizona, USA."
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"Sure."
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"No, Janet, this is actually a cactus."
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"This might take a while."
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"Since Janet can't retrieve your file,"
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"I need to find another way"
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"to determine what kind of person you were."
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"This is a quick litmus test."
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"Handful of questions designed to tell"
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"whether you were fundamentally good or bad."
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"Question number one."
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"Did you ever commit a serious crime,"
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"such as murder, sexual harassment, arson, or otherwise?"
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"No."
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"like "Mama's BMW" "Lexus for Liz" or "Boob guy"?"
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"No."
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"Did you ever reheat fish in an office microwave?"
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"Ew, no."
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"Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California"
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"funk rock band The Red Hot Chili Peppers?"
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"No."
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"Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?"
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"People who go to The Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point."
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"And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here,"
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"you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists,"
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"and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines."
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"Janet, can I have a glass of water, please?"
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"Oh, gosh. You said, "Water?""
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"- Yeah. - I'm so sorry."
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"There you go."
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"Ah..."
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"I really do have sympathy for your situation."
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"I mean, you thought your soul mate was a good person,"
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"and then you learned that she's just an immoral grifter."
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"She lied to everyone."
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"She caused a giant sinkhole into which poor Glenn fell."
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"She caused a trash storm."
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"And, lest we forget, she murdered Janet."
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"As far as I'm concerned,"
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"the sooner she's gone, the better off we'll all be."
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"I understand that Eleanor violated our trust,"
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