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Clips from Seinfeld - The Muffin Tops (S08E08)

"You gotta be vigilant."
Seinfeld
"You know where Walker Street is downtown?"
Seinfeld
"-l got a league meeting there. -Right, the new job. How is it?"
Seinfeld
"l love it. New office, new salary. l'm the new Wilhelm."
Seinfeld
"So who's the new you?"
Seinfeld
"His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school."
Seinfeld
"Where are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus..."
Seinfeld
"Try opening this up. You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world."
Seinfeld
"Actually, l kind of need to speak to you."
Seinfeld
"Kramer, remember that whole deal with you selling Peterman..."
Seinfeld
"...your stories for his book, and then he gave them back to you?"
Seinfeld
"Vaguely."
Seinfeld
"Well, l was kind of short on material..."
Seinfeld
"...and l put them in the book anyway."
Seinfeld
"Kramer, listen, it is such a stupid book."
Seinfeld
"-lt doesn't matter. -No, no. Sure it matters."
Seinfeld
"l've broken through, huh?"
Seinfeld
"l'm part of popular culture now. Listen, l'd like to thank Mr. Peterman."
Seinfeld
"He's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks this afternoon."
Seinfeld
"Waldenbooks. That's a major chain, huh?"
Seinfeld
"All right, let's go."
Seinfeld
"-Mr. Lippman, how are you? -How are you?"
Seinfeld
"-Well, l'm not bad. Not bad. -What are you doing here?"
Seinfeld
"lf you can call it that."
Seinfeld
"Let me use your pen, will you?"
Seinfeld
"--l'm the real Peterman."
Seinfeld
"All right, playtime's over."
Seinfeld
"Relax, man."
Seinfeld
"l don't like the stumps."
Seinfeld
"-So you just eat the tops? -Oh, yeah, it's the best part."
Seinfeld
"lt's crunchy. lt's explosive. lt's--"
Seinfeld
"lt's where the muffin breaks free of the pan..."
Seinfeld
"l'll tell you, that's a million-dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops."
Seinfeld
"Okay. Let's go, slim. That's enough."
Seinfeld
"Try looking up, hayseed."
Seinfeld
"You wanna sightsee, get on a bus."
Seinfeld
"Please don't think all New Yorkers are so rude."
Seinfeld
"-Well, no, actually l'm-- -l'm Mary Anne."
Seinfeld
"That looks new."
Seinfeld
"...forcefully eject me from the book signing."
Seinfeld
"l know you. Something's wrong. What is it? What happened?"
Seinfeld
"-l did something stupid. -What did you do?"
Seinfeld
"-Well, l was shaving... -Yeah."
Seinfeld
"...and l noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair."
Seinfeld
"And l was trying to even it out. And the next thing l knew:"
Seinfeld
"Don't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there?"
Seinfeld
"Well, l'll tell you what. l'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol..."
Seinfeld
"You don't tell anybody about this. No one. You hear me?"
Seinfeld
"-Hey. -Hey."
Seinfeld
"-Jerry shaved his chest. -Hey!"
Seinfeld
"...let alone six feet in the air on a jittery, glassy-eyed dinosaur."
Seinfeld
"-l mean, it's hard enough to park-- -All right, all right."
Seinfeld
"Oh, hairless. This is where it's at. lt's so much smoother and cleaner."
Seinfeld
"Really?"
Seinfeld
"Excuse me. Are you eating a muffin top?"
Seinfeld
"Mr. Lippman?"
Seinfeld
"So you're pretending to be a tourist?"
Seinfeld
"lt's beautiful."
Seinfeld
"...so there's no messy break-ups."
Seinfeld
"-How do you explain your apartment? -l got a hotel room."
Seinfeld
"Well, l don't know anyone here, Jerry. Where else am l gonna stay?"
Seinfeld
"So get this: We're in the park today. Alex goes wild for this hairless dog."
Seinfeld
"...since she likes one hairless animal, why not another?"
Seinfeld
"-Oh, really? -Yes."
Seinfeld
"l don't want her to think l'm a low-rise briefs guy who shaves his chest."
Seinfeld
"Hey, Jerry!"
Seinfeld
"Reality tour?"
Seinfeld
"Elaine, these ideas are all in the air. They're in the air."
Seinfeld
"Oh, well, then, if that air is coming out of this face..."
Seinfeld
"...then it is my air and my idea."
Seinfeld
"So l've noticed you don't have much of an accent."
Seinfeld
"l got Spectra Vision."
Seinfeld
"First five minutes free."
Seinfeld
"At some point you're going back to your job at Tyler Chicken..."
Seinfeld
"l can see you all the time now."
Seinfeld
"Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in this town."
Seinfeld
"-What is it she thinks you can't do? -Find a job, get an apartment."
Seinfeld
"How did you do those things?"
Seinfeld
"You know, if you take everything l've accomplished in my entire life..."
Seinfeld
"Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday?"
Seinfeld
"Here you go. Here you go. Check it out."
Seinfeld
"''The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour.''"
Seinfeld
"-l'm confused. -That Peterman book is big business."
Seinfeld
"People wanna know the stories behind the stories."
Seinfeld
"...of a totally unknown person's life."
Seinfeld
"l'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and dessert."
Seinfeld
"Just like the real Peterman eats."
Seinfeld
"l'm the real Peterman."
Seinfeld
"J. Peterman is real. His biography is not."
Seinfeld
"Now, you, Kramer, are real."
Seinfeld
"-Talk to me. -But your life is Peterman's."
Seinfeld
"Now, the bus tour, which is real..."
Seinfeld
"...they are not real in the sense that they did not really happen..."
Seinfeld
"Elaine, l'm in over my head. Nobody likes my muffin tops."
Seinfeld
"So? What do you want me to do about it?"
Seinfeld
"You're the muffin-top expert. Tell me what l'm doing wrong."
Seinfeld
"Mr. Lippman, when l worked for you at Pendant Publishing..."
Seinfeld
"...l believed in you, you know, as a man of integrity."
Seinfeld
"But when l saw you in that paper hat and that apron--"
Seinfeld
"-What do you mean? -You gotta make the whole muffin."
Seinfeld
"Then you..."
Seinfeld
"...pop the top, toss the stump."
Seinfeld
"Taste."
Seinfeld
"-So, what do we do with the bottoms? -Give them to a soup kitchen."
Seinfeld
"-lt's a good idea. -And one more thing."
Seinfeld
"Oh, what's going on?"
Seinfeld
"-What are you doing to yourself? -l can't stop."
Seinfeld
"-Alex thinks l'm naturally hairless. -What? You can't keep this up."
Seinfeld
"Every time you shave it, it's gonna come in thicker and fuller and darker."
Seinfeld
"-Oh, that's an old wives' tale. -ls it? Look at this."
Seinfeld
"lt's all me. l shaved there when l was a lifeguard."
Seinfeld
"Oh, Reuben, get me another tray of low-fat cranberry, please."
Seinfeld
"Excuse me. l'm Rebecca DeMornay, from the homeless shelter."
Seinfeld
"-Oh, hi. -Are you the ones..."
Seinfeld
"...leaving those muffin pieces behind our shelter?"
Seinfeld
"-You've been enjoying them? -They're just stumps."
Seinfeld
"-Well, they're perfectly edible. -Oh, so you just assume..."
Seinfeld
"-No, we just thought-- -l know what you thought:"
Seinfeld
"What do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get stumps.''"
Seinfeld
"The homeless don't like them. We've never had so many complaints."
Seinfeld
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