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Clips from The Detour - The Dilemma (S02E02)

"♪ What? Don't frown, it just went down ♪"
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"♪ It's illegal to call your kid something stupid in China ♪"
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"♪ And girl kangaroos have three vaginas ♪"
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"♪ Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark ♪"
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"♪ Which is weird, 'cause he invented the spark ♪"
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"He invented the light bulb, idiot!"
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"That doesn't rhyme with "dark," does it, Jonah?!"
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"God. Such a douche."
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"♪ My brother wears orthotics ♪"
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"♪ And I accept him ♪"
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"No, I don't."
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"♪ And he accepts me for my deviated septum ♪"
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"♪ I don't have many friends, and I don't win awards ♪"
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"♪ But I'm cool with that 'cause ♪"
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"♪ I can break boards ♪"
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"Boards!!"
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"Hurry up!"
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"Aah!"
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"You suck!"
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"It's 'cause I don't have my goddamn crown, okay?"
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"Get off the goddamn stage!"
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"Don't look at me!"
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"I've had just about enough of you today..."
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"I've had enough of you for a lifetime."
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"Everything I did in my life was for you."
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"Oh, six times, tops."
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"And then you made me a child bride."
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"You were 16. That's hardly a child."
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"- Yeah, but who does that? - Half the world."
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"It was just free money to pay for college."
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"Why couldn't you be a father who made bad puns"
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"and had slightly racist ways of saying not-that-racist things?"
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"Why couldn't you just be normal?"
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"Normalcy is a quixotic pursuit."
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"- What? - Have you been talking to Nate?"
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"- Who? - My husband."
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"Which one? You have so many."
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"And that's your fault, not mine."
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"Sweetie, I have your crown."
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"Missing your own kid's talent show"
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"is about the worst thing you can do as a parent!"
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"I know you're upset, but it's not that sim..."
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"How did you do? Did you break the boards?"
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"Oh, my God. Are you okay?"
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"Don't ever talk to me again."
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"It's okay. She just needs to fart."
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"It lowers her cholesterol."
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"She's weird."
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"J.R.! Hey, man!"
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"- How do you know him? - I-It's... He's Dad's boss."
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"- You son of a bitch. - Relax, Gummy Bear."
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"- A grandfather has the right to get... - No, no! No."
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"- Shut your mouth right now. - Grandfather?"
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"Where's your dad?"
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"Well, he had some work stuff to figure out."
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"Okay. G-Go get your sister and go home."
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"I'll be home soon. All right? Go."
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"Go. Go. Wait, hold on."
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"Go."
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"No, wait. Sweetie, where's the phone on your phone?"
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"I didn't know how else to do it."
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"You were struggling, you had nothing,"
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"and you wouldn't take my money."
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"Uh, well, we still have nothing, because it was all fake."
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"Listen to me."
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"- I'm leaving. - Good."
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"Tonight. For good."
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"And if you were smart, you'd come with me."
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"- Get the ass, and we'll fly to Cu... - Hold on. Hold on. What?"
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"The ass. Let me take it, keep it safe."
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"Oh, finally. Thank you. Now I know what you really want."
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"Oh, no, no. You don't understand."
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"- The police aren't after me. - Okay, the mail police."
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"Don't be stupid. You'll just be opening yourself up"
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"to a whole series of federal charges."
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"Like what?"
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"Customs violations."
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"Tax evasion."
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"War profiteering. It's a long list."
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"But I don't do that stuff anymore."
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"- Possession of stolen property? - No, you stole it."
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"You have it. You don't want to go to jail."
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"Well, if that's what it's gonna take to get you out of my life forever,"
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"then that's fine. That's what I'll do."
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"- I won't let you do that. - Well, you can't stop me."
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"Listen to me. I'm your father."
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"You know what? Why don't you talk to one of your kids"
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"who actually gives a shit?"
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"Oh, look. There's one now."
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"She could use your attention and your money."
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"Hey, Vanessa. This asshole has something to say to you."
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"Yes?"
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"You should zip up your jacket."
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"Makes you look like a hooker."
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"I wanted to tell you."
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"You know, I'm used to this shit,"
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"but poor Nate. How could you do this to him?"
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"My husband has one of the most analytical minds"
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"I have ever seen. Trust me. He's already figured it out."
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"Nothing gets past him."
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"I just don't get it. I don't."
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"- What... What am I gonna do? - What am I gonna do, Shelly?"
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"Come on, guys. We all knew this was a bullshit business, right?"
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"- I didn't. - It's called "Hoax-a-metrics.""
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"It's called H2... Oh, shit. How did I miss that?"
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"I was the manager of worldwide shipping."
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"- I never shipped anything. - Yeah, I didn't do too much, either."
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"I was home by 3:00 p.m. every day."
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"So was I, and I took a three-hour lunch."
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"My phone never worked."
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"My computer wasn't even plugged in."
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"God! For someone to manage this big an operation"
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"at the amount of returns he had,"
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"that... that is..."
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"That's quixotic."
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"Well... I'm gonna go home."
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"I had a kid. His name was..."
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"Bruce."
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"I know!"
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"No, no. I... That's not what I meant."
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