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Clips from Two and a Half Men - The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump (S01E01)

"I'm counting to three. One, two..."
Two and a Half Men
"Ernie, for God's sake, you're killing me here."
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"- So, did you grow up in L.A.? - No."
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"My dad was in the Army so we moved around..."
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"Hell, that thing's not dead."
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"I'd like to get to know you, it's not gonna happen on a play date."
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"Are you happy? I told you to put it down, Ernie."
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"- What night's good for you? - Jake, you're not helping."
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"The gateway to Van Nuys."
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"Kate again?"
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"You have no clue what you're getting involved in"
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"- with these divorced soccer moms. - You're right."
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"I don't have a clue. I've never had a clue. It's part of my charm."
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"At least keep in mind that all these women talk to each other."
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"So anything you do will get back to my wife,"
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"and somehow become my fault."
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"So, where are you going?"
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"I'm helping Gloria with the soccer league newsletter."
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"This is the same Gloria who drives the kid van?"
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"I can't thank you enough for taking the time to do this."
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"Anything for the kids."
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"You're such a good father."
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"It's a shame that Judith didn't appreciate you."
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"You're embarrassing me."
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"Let's get back to your little logo."
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"- What's wrong? - Nothing."
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"It's my neck. I must have slept wrong."
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"We know each other."
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"Turn around. Go ahead."
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"- Are you getting enough calcium? - I guess."
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"Osteoporosis is a real problem."
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"Curvature of the spine."
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"Last thing you want is to wind up with a hump."
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"I hope you didn't start without me."
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"- What are you talking about? - Bill, you did this on purpose."
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"You showed up late so you could snoop on me."
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"Will you get out of here, Bill?"
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"Kate, I'm trying. Ernie, would you put your shoes on?"
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"That your Jag?"
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"I got the Navigator over there."
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"Let's go, Dad."
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"Truthfully, I think that my ex was intimidated"
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"by my sexual..."
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"I'm sorry. Yes, six inches."
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"I don't know how I got so off-topic."
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"I know exactly how you got off-topic."
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"I think the next piece of business is to decide on the paper color."
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"My brother, Alan, warned me not to go out with you tonight."
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"Everybody warned me not to go out with you."
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"Charlie, I have a confession."
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"I haven't been out with a man other than my husband in 12 years."
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"A couple of things have changed, I can bring you up to date."
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"And of course, sex is a given."
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"Rats."
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"I don't need any quiet time."
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"Alan, would you mind driving me home?"
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"- I'm sorry? - Could I talk to you for a minute?"
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"I think she's going through the change."
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"He's in play. I'm playing."
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"I'm the one who told you he's in play."
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"Please. I told you two years ago that marriage was toast."
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"So what?"
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"He's in my house on tae kwon do Wednesday,"
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"and I don't have time to mess around with you."
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"Why don't we just let him decide?"
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"Let him decide?"
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"He still thinks we're doing a soccer newsletter."
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"- You don't even like him, do you? - He's okay."
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"He's here and it's Wednesday."
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"Yeah? Well, watch me."
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"Great. You broke him."
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"The biggest surprise was how much I loved having him around."
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"I mean, Jake's amazing."
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"Do you know I have, on occasion, actually put his needs ahead of my own?"
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"Like going to a soccer game at 8:00 am on a Saturday?"
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"Yes."
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"At 8:00 am, I can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom."
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"What you're saying is having a child in your life"
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"totally changes the way you look at things."
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"Of course, you probably know that already."
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"But I like that you know it."
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"- I had a really great time. - Me, too."
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"- Can we do this again? - I would love that."
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"Great."
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"What happened? Did I do something wrong?"
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"Please don't tell Alan's wife."
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"No, you didn't do anything wrong."
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"I really like you."
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"Okay. This is new for me."
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"It's just..."
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"Charlie, I have a 10-year-old son."
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"a full-time job, custody battles, alimony battles,"
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"child support battles, car pools and drum lessons."
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"You bought a 10-year-old a drum set?"
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"Don't change the subject. You know what I'm saying."
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"Do you really want to be involved in this?"
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"All right. I guess I'll see you around."
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"- Home. - Why?"
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"I said we couldn't do it again. That doesn't mean we can't"
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"Boy, you really don't have a clue, do you, Charlie?"
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"Morning."
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"Regular or decaf?"
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"- Regular. - Thank God."
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"Aren't you even curious?"
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"- You went to Gloria's last night. - Yeah."
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"We're getting killed."
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"Come on. Somebody always loses."
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"It's 8-1 out there, and everybody here knows it."
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"And you know, I'll tell you another thing."
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"And I'll put that in the newsletter."
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"And as God as my witness,"
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"Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here."
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"Alan, I can't go to a soccer game. I just got home from Vegas."
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"Why don't you ride to the game with Jake when the van gets here?"
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"Why don't I go upstairs, throw up and sleep in my clothes for 12 hours?"
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"Here's the deal, Uncle Charlie. I find you attractive."
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"You in or out?"
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"We don't keep score. We think it's healthier if the kids just play for fun."
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"Someone's a little full of himself."
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"Me, on the other hand,"
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