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Clips from Two and a Half Men - The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump (S01E01)

"But I said, he promised. So he was wrong."
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"You went out last night to return a video."
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"- you gotta tell Jake yourself. - Fine. He'll understand."
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"Nice. Listen, Jake, buddy."
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"E- mail me. Allaboardgloria @aol. com."
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"So, which one's yours?"
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"Please don't make me talk."
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"You're yanking me, right?"
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"Judith warned us that you were a pistol."
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"Did Judith leave your brother for another woman?"
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"- Why don't you ask Judith? - We wouldn't want to pry."
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"What?"
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"Sorry. I couldn't help overhearing, and you just look so"
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"Of course, that was yesterday."
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"- What was the occasion? - Just returning a video."
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"By the way, what are you doing with Jake tomorrow?"
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"You're hitting on the mother, aren't you?"
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"But I can."
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"He deserves a break, and I get some quality uncle time with Jake."
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"You were saying I was nice about something."
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"We moved in and... Ernie, put that down, it's dead."
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"We moved in just in time for the earthquake..."
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"- Thank you. - No problem."
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"- Ask me out sometime? - That's a really good..."
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"Get the sand off of it. No. Don't touch it."
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"Even better. Sherman Oaks."
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"That doesn't seem fair."
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"I'm thinking of calling it "Just For Kicks. ""
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"- Yeah. Why? - Nothing. Have fun."
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"Talk about not having a clue."
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"And I designed a logo,"
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"She just needed a little time to sort things out."
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"A successful chiropractor, intelligent, dedicated."
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"No, I'd feel funny."
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"- You got to meet my girlfriend. - What meet? She was our babysitter."
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"I don't even know, how to say it. Appetite."
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"goldenrod, salmon, mustard..."
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"You had me at goldenrod."
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"Everybody has you at goldenrod."
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"That's funny."
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"It worked for Romeo and Juliet,"
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"up until the poison and the stabbing."
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"Look at the time. Maybe we should get going."
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"Give Gloria a chance for a little quiet time before"
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"her many, many kids come home."
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"I'm feeling a little tipsy."
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"A little tipsy? How about a little obvious?"
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"- It is getting a little late. - Sit down."
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"I happen to think he's hot."
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"I have two mortgages, private school bills,"
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"I hadn't really thought that far ahead."
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"Where are you going?"
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"do it tonight."
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"But it seems to be working for me."
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"I can fill in the blanks."
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"We haven't won a game all season."
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"Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks."
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"Never mix tequila and scotch."
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"Morning, Uncle Charlie."
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"Jake, buddy."
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"What?"
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"You know, most of the parents wear shorts and lots of sunscreen,"
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"but that's another way to go."
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"I ran into a friend of mine who was getting married at the Bellagio."
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"That explains the tuxedo."
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"I am the Soccer Snack Buddy this week, so I've gotta stop at the grocery store."
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"I got a better idea."
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"- Jake? - I got new cleats."
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"Have you ever been to Vegas?"
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"So you're the infamous Uncle Charlie."
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"I've heard about you."
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"Everybody out. Watch your heads. One at a time."
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"- Party time. - Come on."
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"I have three kids, a bastard of an ex-husband,"
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"I work 50 hours a week at my own travel agency,"
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"I'm at the peak of my sexuality,"
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"I have a three-hour window Wednesdays when the kids are at tae kwon do."
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"I'm sorry, I'm terminally hung over and I just took a cleat in the groin."
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"This is Charlie Harper. Alan Harper's brother."
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"- So, who's winning? - No one."
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"So tell us, is it true?"
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"Ladies, if you'll excuse me,"
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"I have to go because, hell, I don't need a reason."
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"Forget him. His brother's the one who's in play."
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"How's Jake doing?"
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"Jake's fine. He's 10. He's got his whole life ahead of him."
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"I'm sitting in the hot sun, in rented pants listening to myself blink."
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"I'll ask somebody else."
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"pathetic."
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"Really? The guy at the tux shop said I looked dashing."
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"And I found his phone number in my pocket."
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"- Charlie Harper. - Kate McLaughlin."
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"Let me ask you something, Kate McLaughlin."
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"I think it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
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"Sure."
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"So, which one's yours?"
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"Number nine. But I'm not the father."
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"Aren't you a good sport?"
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"Jake, for the last time,"
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"nobody got "creamed. " No one won, no one lost."
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"Yeah. Except for us. 12-2."
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"Thank you, Charlie. Jake, go take a shower."
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"Charlie, we are trying to teach the kids not to keep score."
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"You should've thought of that before you taught them to count."
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"I don't know. Why?"
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"I made a play date for him with one of the kids from the game."
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"- Everybody wins? - Yes."
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"But I promise not to keep score."
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"Good night, Snack Buddy."
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"No going in the water, no throwing rocks, and remember,"
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"if you can't see us, we can't see you."
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"Is there anything you'd like to add, Charlie?"
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"I think that is really nice of you."
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"Ernie, keep your socks with your shoes."
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"I'm sorry, where was I?"
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"How long have you lived in Sherman Oaks?"
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"That kid'll pick up anything, no matter what it looks like."
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"Been there."
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"Put the dead thing down."
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"Ernie, put it down or we're leaving right now."
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