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Clips from Ali Wong: Don Wong

"beautiful, gorgeous women, through the DMs."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Direct messaging."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I never check my DMs."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And when I do, it's only to see if Sanrio, the owners of Hello Kitty,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"have finally contacted me to offer sponsorship."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-[crowd cheers, applauds] -Yeah."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Come on!"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I think I'd be a great fit, and I want all of that shit."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I want the Gudetama pajamas."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I want the erasers that smell like the gum."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And I want the gum that tastes like the erasers."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-I want all of that shit. -[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"But no."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"My DMs are full of these Silence of the Lambs motherfuckers."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"It's these dudes who always have zero followers."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Do you know anybody who doesn't know anybody?"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"They don't even offer to take me out to dinner"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"or lick my pussy."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"They just threaten to decapitate me if I don't let them smell my feet."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And it's a shame, you know?"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"It's very disturbing, this disparity in quality"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"between fan pussy and fan dick."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"It is so upsetting"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"to a person like me."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Because I think"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"about cheating on my husband…"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-…every five minutes. -[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I haven't done it yet."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Not because I'm a good person,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"only because no worthy opportunity has presented itself."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"My mom doesn't understand,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"she can't relate to these feelings"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"of wanting to fool around outside of your marriage,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"because she's an immigrant woman who was born in 1940."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Her world is a lot smaller than mine."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"The only men my mother has ever had an actual conversation with"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"are my brother and my dad. That's it."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I, on the other hand,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"have met the entire cast of The Avengers."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd cheering, applauding]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And I want all of them to cum on my face."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd cheering, applauding]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Yep."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-[chuckles] -[crowd laughing, whooping]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis. [laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Having two C-sections and being the breadwinner of my family"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"has turned me into a 50-year-old man."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I had a colonoscopy a couple years ago."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"That is some 50-year-old man shit right there."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"What had happened was"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I all of a sudden got extremely bloated over a very short period of time."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And it was so extreme to the point where I thought I was pregnant…"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[sighs] …again."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And I took a test, and it was negative."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And then my OBGYN became very concerned"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"that I was showing symptoms of ovarian cancer,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"because it runs in my family."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And so then she ordered a CT scan, and the results came back."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And she said to me,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""Okay, Ali, um…""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""Well, uh, you-- you know, the good news is that, uh,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"you don't have ovarian cancer, okay?""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""And then, um…""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""The bad news is that, Ali,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"you are full of shit.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""Stop giggling, Ali, stop it. This is serious, okay?""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"On the report, the radiologist wrote,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""The results are remarkable.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Which, to me, seems like the radiologist gave me an A++."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"But she was like, "No, that's bad.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"When the radiologist writes "The results are remarkable,""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"what that translates to is,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""Oh my goodness,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I don't understand how this tiny Vietnamese mom"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"fit this football field of doo-doo inside of her body.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""I have never seen this in my 30 years as a radiologist,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and I cannot wait to text screenshots of this to all my radiologist friends.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[Ali chuckles]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"So then a-- a GI specialist was called in,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and she-- I saw her look at the results,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and she went like this."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-[gasps] -[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And then she turns to me and says,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""Miss Wong, I am so sorry that I gasped in front of your face.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""That was so unprofessional of me.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""I-- I know exactly who you are.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""Please do not talk about how I just did that on stage.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing, applauding]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""But, you know, I-- I have to admit"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"that I'm-- I'm clearly alarmed by what I see here.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""You are backed up well into your small intestine,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and I'm almost certain that there is some sort of mass,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and most likely a tumor that's causing all of this blockage.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""So we're going to have to perform a colonoscopy"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"to see what's going on in there.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I was like, "Why? You guys just did a CT scan.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And she was like, "Yes, it is true that the whole point of a CT scan"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"is to see inside of your body,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"but the lasers couldn't penetrate the Great Wall of Shit that's inside you.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
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