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Clips from Ali Wong: Don Wong

""And they just ricocheted and bounced back into the machine,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and now the machine is shook, so…""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""…we're going to have to stick a camera"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"up your ass.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And I was so nervous."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"But what I didn't know was that right before the procedure,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"they give you propofol."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And I have to say that as a working mother of two…"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"…getting to take a drug-induced nap for an hour…"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"…was well worth having a news crew up my butt."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs, applauds]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"It was luxurious."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"When I woke up from the colonoscopy,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I was like, "I want another colonoscopy.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And then it turned out that my colon was perfectly healthy,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and I figured out that what caused that huge traffic jam was"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"the summer before, I was shooting this movie called Always Be My Maybe."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-[crowd cheering] -Oh, thank you. [chuckles]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Yeah, it was a-- it was this big-ass deal"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"because it was the first movie I had ever co-written"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and starred in as the lead."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And I worked on it for 12 hours a day,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"every day for six weeks straight,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and I was so busy"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"that I forgot to take a shit…"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"…for six weeks."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"The movie shot in Vancouver and in San Francisco,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and I have no recollection of shitting in Vancouver or in San Francisco."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I just straight up forgot."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Something like that would never happen to a man."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Men, you never forget to take a shit ever."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-[crowd applauding] -Ever."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"How could you, when you sit on the toilet and have your sacred ritual"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"every morning to summon the shit?"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"You sit there from 8:00 a.m. to 8:30 a.m."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"You sit there with all of your reading materials,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"your iPad battery just burning up the sperm in your balls."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"You sit there at the most crucial time of the day,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"when your wife and kids need you and the bathroom the most."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-[crowd laughing] -You sit there to avoid reality"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and all of your responsibility in life."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"You're too scared to ask your wife for alone time,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"so instead you just passively-aggressively take it"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"by chasing your wife and kids out of the bathroom"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"with the stank of your selfish-ass shit!"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing, applauding]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Women, we don't do that, okay?"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"We have too much guilt and shame"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"to sit there every morning at the same time to summon the shit."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Instead, the shit comes to us"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"at the most inconvenient time of the day."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs, applauds]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"When we're in the middle of a meeting,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"or onstage taping our third Netflix special. [chuckles]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd applauds]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Whoo!"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd cheering]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"But when you feel that first turtle head peek out,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"you gotta squeeze your butt cheeks in,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"suck the poo-poo back up"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"into your generous, loving, self-sacrificing soul."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"But then at some point, you gots to go,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and then it's an emergency."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"It's always an emergency when a woman finally takes a shit,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and that's why every women's public restroom"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"looks like a post-apocalyptic zombie nightmare…"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"…where there is blood on the walls and pizza on the record player."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"My life has changed dramatically in the past seven years."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Seven years ago, I pressured the shit out of my then-boyfriend to propose to me."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Every day, I was in his ear…"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""When are you gonna ask me to marry you, huh? Huh?""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""I'm not gonna wait forever!""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""Everybody wants this pussy.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Nobody else wanted this pussy,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-but I had to make up these fairy tales… -[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"…to add pizzazz to the ultimatum, you know?"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[chuckles]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"It was crazy. My-- My wish came true."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"He proposed, we got married."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"We bought a house, had two kids."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Fast-forward to seven years later,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"present day, I'm like,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""I don't know why I did that.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I think that what happened was, at the time,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"my future in comedy was looking very uncertain, you know?"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-[crowd laughs] -[chuckles]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I was really struggling."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Like, I was eating cough drops for dessert."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-It was so sad. -[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And I panicked. I was like, "I don't know if I can make it in this world on my own.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""So I better trap this dude who graduated from Harvard Business School"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"so that I don't end up homeless.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-[crowd laughs] -[clicks tongue]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"But now,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I know that I can make it on my own."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs, cheers]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd cheering loudly]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"So I kind of want to just be on my own."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Only other married people with kids can empathize"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"with the deep envy I feel towards you single people, okay?"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"You-- You don't know how free you are."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"You can eat an edible at 2:00 p.m…"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"…go to the aquarium and watch the jellyfish go back and forth."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"You don't gotta bring a giant bag with little Ziploc baggies of Goldfish,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
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