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Clips from Ali Wong: Don Wong

""Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy!""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-[sighs heavily] -[crowd continues laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"But you have to tell the lies"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"to make the man cum faster."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"The lies will set you free!"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"But then when you get cummed on on the face,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"your only job as the woman"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"is to make an enthusiastic expression."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And then your other assignment"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"is to not laugh…"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"…while this grown-ass man is straddling your rib cage,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"he looking down at you, you looking up at him,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and you see him from this very unflattering angle"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"where he got that-- that Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know?"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Uh, he all possessed by the Holy Spirit."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""Just look at me, look at me, Mommy, watch me, pay attention, look at me!""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-[grunting rapidly] -[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[chuckles]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[grunts rising in pitch]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-[laughs] -[applause]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[inhales deeply]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Young men in particular,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"they don't like women with money, power, and respect,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"because they know you can't tell that kind of woman what to do."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd applauds, cheers]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Young men want a woman that's chill."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"That's a quality in a partner that they seek out and brag about."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[lowers voice] "Oh, bro, I'm dating this new chick.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""She's so chill.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""She doesn't give a fuck about what I do 'cause she's chill.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""She lets me do whatever I want 'cause she's dead inside.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-"She's chill." -[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""She's like a corpse with tits. It's awesome. She's chill.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I have never, ever wanted to date a man that was chill."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"'Cause chill don't pay the bills."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd applauds, cheers]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"My nephew is 25 years old, and he is dating this architect."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"My goodness, she-- she is so smart and interesting,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"successful, and charismatic,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and we all hope that he marries her one day."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"But he called me up earlier this week and he was like, "You know, Auntie Ali,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I think I'mma break up with her.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""Yeah, because she's a boss at work,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and so she thinks it's okay to come home and boss me around.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I was like, "Oh.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""Well,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"that shit's gonna happen to you no matter what.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""Whether she a boss, whether she employed or unemployed,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"once you get married and have kids,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"your wife gonna boss you around.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""And you would know that if you watched House Hunters.""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"House Hunters is a show on HGTV"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"where a couple"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"pretends that there's a decision to be made together."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And they go on this fake-ass journey looking at three different houses,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and the audience is meant to be left in suspense."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
""Which house are they gonna choose?""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"It's whichever one Barbara wanted in the first place, okay?"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"or wherever the fuck these HGTV shows are filmed"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"where houses cost $5,000 an acre…"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Barbara, she don't got money, power, or respect."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"But Barbara is a woman,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and all women are very good"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"at being extremely unpleasant…"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"…and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"until we get what we fucking deserve, okay?"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"-Yes. -[crowd cheering]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"That is a superpower that we evolved"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"to compensate for our lack of earning potential."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"You can't tell any woman what to do,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"so you might as well pick the bitch that will give you health insurance, okay?"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[huffs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"I know exactly why"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"there's a disproportionate amount of men that do stand-up."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"It's all because of fan pussy."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"We call them chuckle fuckers."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"These poor, naive women who get dickmatized when they laugh."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And fan pussy is so motivating"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"because fan pussy is young and sexy and exciting."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Fan pussy is a great reward for doing stand-up comedy."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And fan dick"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"is frightening."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Any man watching me, listening to what I have to say,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and thinking to themselves, "I want to fuck her…""
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"…is a raging psychopath."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"And has extremely good taste."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughing]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Fan dick is not interested in showing me a good time."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Fan dick wants to trim my pubes"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"and sew them into wigs for his antique doll collection."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"That's why I don't see more women doing stand-up."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"There is no reward,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"only danger and punishment."
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"[crowd laughs]"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
"Lot of my male stand-up comic friends be hooking up with women,"
Ali Wong: Don Wong
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