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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Goes to Court! (S01E01)

"we'll have a big laugh at my expense,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and by way of apology I will take you all"
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"to the water park of your choice."
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"But if you're wrong..."
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"she'll burn up and die."
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"What's the matter?"
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"I thought you had this all figured out."
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"Sister Cyndee, could you join us"
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"in the grand ball tube?"
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"[Cyndee] Be there in a jiff!"
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"She trusts you."
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"She counts on you to take care of her,"
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"especially since you cured her Hulkamania."
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"So..."
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"as long as you're absolutely sure..."
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"What?"
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"What?"
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"[Cyndee] You could have let me go?"
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"[raspy] Eat your vitamins and say your prayers,"
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"Kimmy Schmidt!"
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"Dang it, my Hulkamania's back!"
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"[raspy] And it's a bad one, brotha!"
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"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,"
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"clearly my client offered to let these women go."
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"Kimmy Schmidt chose to stay."
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"Now, if that's kidnapping,"
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"lock me up and throw away the key."
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"Objection!"
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"There are no keys at the jail anymore."
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"It is a card with a chip in it,"
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"like at a Hampton Inn."
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"Remember our trip to Pittsburgh, hon?"
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"With the free USA Today?"
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"You go straight for the red."
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"I go right for the purple."
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"We are a classic USA Today couple."
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"[laughs]"
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"[sighs]"
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"Stop the presses."
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"My paninis can wait."
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"I'm talking to Kimmy Schmidt,"
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"the shame of Durnsville."
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"Me? But Ed Hardy was born here."
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"Kimmy, I did not raise you to embarrass me like that."
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"You didn't raise me."
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"That's what I just said."
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"Golly, Kimmy."
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"I was really counting on you"
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"to help get me back on the force."
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"Local cop's hero step-daughter saves the day,"
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"that'd get the chief's attention."
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"Now all I got is,"
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"Suspended cop rescued from bouncy house."
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"Nice work, jagweed."
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"I depended on you."
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"You were supposed to be the strong one."
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"I know, and I was so mad at myself."
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"We could have gotten out of that bunker seven years ago."
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"I could have gotten to Brandon before he decided to be gay."
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"You don't decide to be gay."
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"I know."
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"You watch Magic Mike during a lightning storm"
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"like Brandon did."
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"Either way, I could have stopped it."
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"You're not my maid of honor anymore."
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"I don't know who you are."
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"[sighs]"
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"Where were you?"
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"I was at the courthouse the whole time."
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"Good job?"
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"Did you go on a radio show while I was testifying?"
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"I had to, Kimmy, for you."
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"Johnny and The Squatch from Z101 wanted to interview you."
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"I took that bullet, literally."
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"Why am I holding this trashcan lid?"
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"[gunshot zings]"
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"Why is this real? We on the radio!"
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"[The Squatch] You got Squatched!"
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"I got Squatched for you... Squatched!"
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"Please, you love the attention."
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"I'm your friend, Kimmy Wimmy."
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"I'm here to support you."
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"Hey, how would you like it if I went,"
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"Dar-dar-dar-dar, uh, nar-nar-nar..."
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"Uh, nar."
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"Ugh, forget it, Titus!"
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"Do whatever you want."
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"I'll still be the worst person in Durnsville."
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"You have not met The Squatch."
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"I blew it."
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"Everyone hates me, even Cyndee."
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"Especially Cyndee!"
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"The Reverend's gonna go free."
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"And your comforter smells terrible."
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"It's my cologne, Dutch Oven."
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"But that's not important."
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"Kimmy, you can't give up."
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"You are tee-nay-shee-us."
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"You got those folks in our neighborhood"
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"to stop shooting guns at the moon."
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"Yeah, but this is different."
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"I can't fix everything here"
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"by telling people the moon is Puerto Rican."
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"Stop it, you are the dictionary definition"
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"of stick-to-it-ivity."
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"Aretha!"
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"The dictionary!"
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"Titus, you're a genius."
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"So we're staying?"
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"I can do that interview for you on WTHR's 11:00 news?"
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"That's Indianapolis, Kimmy,"
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"the 25th biggest media market in America."
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"19th if you count deers looking through people's windows."
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"You go get on TV."
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"I'm gonna save the day."
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"And then I'm gonna talk to the front desk"
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"about getting a room with a roof."
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"Yes! I got two!"
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"And it went in the other lane, so it counts as double."
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"___"
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