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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Goes to Court! (S01E01)

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,"
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"Kimmy Schmidt wasn't just running away"
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"from our beloved town."
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"She was heading east..."
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"to Ohio."
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"Ohio's stupid."
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"Now, I might just be a simple country preacher,"
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"but it seems to me that if fewer people"
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"ran away from Durnsville,"
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"maybe Elston Buckner's tractor dealership"
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"wouldn't have had to close last year,"
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"and maybe the firehouse could have finally gotten a pole"
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"so Durnsville's finest wouldn't have to freefall"
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"20 feet onto a concrete floor."
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"Now, I'm not saying that Kimmy Schmidt"
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"is solely responsible for all our town's troubles."
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"Objection! Overruled!"
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"But if she had stayed in Durnsville,"
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"like a real American,"
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"I know for a fact"
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"all of you would be rich right now."
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"[woman shouts]"
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"[gavel pounding]"
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"[crowd muttering]"
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"[pounding continues]"
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"Where'd all these potato bugs come from?"
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"Let's take a quick recess."
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"You mess with the big dog..."
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"and you get the horns."
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"[whistles]"
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"Oh, thank you."
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"[spitting]"
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"What kind of country-ass sugar water is this?"
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"Well, well..."
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"Word of advice, brother."
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"Sir, we are cousins at most."
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"I know this seems great now."
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"Free birthday-cake-flavored water,"
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"everyone paying you attention."
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"And it lasts forever."
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"No, sir."
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"After my viral video,"
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"I got a taste of fame."
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"I got to meet Truckasaurus."
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"I got to wave the checkered flag"
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"at an execution."
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"But there is a darker side to fame."
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"I don't think so."
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"And I've seen the first half of every Behind the Music ever."
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"I'm just saying, thanks to my fame,"
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"the IRS started calling."
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"The Navy realized I hadn't been eaten by a whale."
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"And my dentist tracked me down."
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"I was way overdue for a cleaning,"
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"and those hurt!"
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"And they're all, There's ham in your dry socket, sir."
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"Nah, man, they didn't say that."
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"My point is..."
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"[singing flatly] ♪ The other shoe is gonna drop ♪"
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"♪ You wait and see ♪"
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"Yeah."
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"It's me."
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"♪ Yeah, it's me ♪"
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"So tell me, Kimmy,"
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"if it was so bad in the bunker,"
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"why didn't you just leave?"
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"As I said before,"
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"you never let us."
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"Oh, really?"
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"Because I recall a conversation"
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"I had with my client... Where was that?"
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"Where's he going with this?"
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"IDK."
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"What does that mean?"
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"Is that a black thing?"
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"Yes, here it is."
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"You just said, under oath,"
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"that my client never gave any of you"
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"the opportunity to leave the bunker."
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"Uh, doy!"
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"Doy indeed, Ms. Schmidt."
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"Your honor, if it pleases the court,"
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"I would like everyone to close their eyes"
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"and join me in a flashback."
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"All right."
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"[sighs]"
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"Ooh, my goodness."
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"That's 24 hours on the crank."
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"That's what she said!"
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"That's what he said,"
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"because she shouldn't be talking."
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"Haven't you learned your lesson yet?"
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"There's no world out there."
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"Yes, there is."
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"That rat I found in the air filter proves it."
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"That rat was a Devil's trick,"
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"just like when the Devil made it sound"
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"like I was arguing with a pizza guy"
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"about what a half hour means."
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"You're a liar."
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"And your pony tail's stupid."
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"My pony tail is cool."
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"God said so."
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"And I'm getting a little sick and tired of you, Kimmy."
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"I ought to throw you out that door"
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"and into that lake of fire,"
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"let the Devil and all his Freddys Krueger"
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"play baseball with your head."
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"Fine, do it."
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"I don't care."
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"Oh, you don't care?"
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"You think you know better than me?"
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"Even though God bought me this watch."
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"So... if you're so sure of yourself,"
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"I guess you wouldn't object"
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"if I sent Sister Cyndee out into the wasteland."
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"What?"
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"Yeah."
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"We'll send Cyndee out into the apocalypse."
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"And if you're right,"
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