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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Goes to Court! (S01E01)

"Did you actually find new people to join the Reverend's church?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And this is only the beginning."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I got all these women from just one Lucille Roberts."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"This isn't the beginning."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"It's the end."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm gonna make waffles out of the Reverend."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Wow, I know you think he kidnapped you, or whatever,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"but that is an ugly thing to say."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Sorry we're late."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"We were watching the movie Legal Eagles"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"to prepare for today."
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"Someone's got a thing for Debra Winger."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"More like Debra Schwinger."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"So, two showers later, here we are."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Kimmy Schmidt, one more question."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Leave that pale, pale girl alone, Carla Tuesday."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"She's been through enough."
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"And who are you?"
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"My name is Titus Andromedon."
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"I'm just here to support"
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"my friend and roommate, Kimmy Schmidt."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Breaking news: I'm here with the roommate"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"of Mole Woman Kimmy Schmidt."
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"Carla, this isn't about me."
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"This is about justice."
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"Kimmy is a private person."
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"She doesn't want this kind of attention,"
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"the cameras in her face, the microphones."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Cameras."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"But for her sake,"
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"I'll take all the attention, all of it."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Now please rise for the National Anthem."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ For the red, white, and blue ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ For the funny things you do ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ America, America ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ This is you... ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Okay, Kimmy, there's no judgment in brainstorming."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"So how about a solar-powered ice machine?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You know, for picnics."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"[Reverend Richard] Sister Kimmy."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Not having a vitamin D deficiency"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"certainly suits you."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Hello, Rick."
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"Better get used to those handcuffs."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"What handcuffs?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Uh, hold on."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"What handcuffs?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Dang it."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"That video made it look so much easier."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Can you just imagine that these are on you now?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- Oh, my God. - How'd he do that?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"[people gasp]"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"[applause]"
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"That's what we're up against."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"The only thing that matters is that for 15 years"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"that man right there wouldn't let us leave the bunker,"
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"and that's the definition of kidnapping."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And of my Verizon contract."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"[laughter]"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Objection."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You're paying for the network."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Compare coverage!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"But even I have to admit"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"that Kimmy here is right."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"The definition of kidnapping is"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"to take away and keep a person as a prisoner."
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"Your honor, I would like to submit this dictionary"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"into evidence as Exhibit A."
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"Wait, that's your first piece of evidence?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And only."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Your honor, the defense rests."
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"Prosecution."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"The prosecution rests."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Your honor, I don't have one question for this witness."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I have many questions."
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"[all gasp]"
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"Could you please state your name and residence?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Kimmy Schmidt, New York City."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Oh!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"The Big Apple."
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"Just like the one Eve gave Adam."
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"And that's when all of our earthly suffering began."
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"Mortality, shame in our nakedness,"
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"burning your tongue on cocoa,"
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"junk mail,"
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"Mondays!"
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"[jury muttering]"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"But that's not why Kimmy Schmidt is on trial."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm not..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Kimmy, tell me,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"where were you at the beginning of this trial?"
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"And why were you so heck-bent on not returning to Durnsville?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Bad things happened to me here."
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"Oh, did you hear that?"
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"Kimmy Schmidt thinks that Durnsville"
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"is a place where bad things happen."
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"Well, call me crazy,"
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"but unlike Kimmy Schmidt, I happen to love this town."
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"I mean, I love casting a line"
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"out into the... parking lot."
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"I love that it sometimes takes a little longer"
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"to get your coffee at Diane's Cafe."
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"Because of her limp."
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"[laughter]"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And I love going to a high school football game"
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"and cheering on the undefeated Durnsville Terns."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"[all chanting] Terns, Terns, Terns, Terns,"
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"Terns, Terns, Terns!"
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"Now, Kimmy, isn't it true"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"that when I saved you"
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"you were running away from home, from Durnsville,"
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"named after our magnificent founder, Zachary Ville."
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"I wasn't running from Durnsville."
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"I had just gotten into a fight with my mom"
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"about a super-short mini skirt"
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"she wanted to wear to my recital."
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"I was running away from her."
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"And there I was, minding my own business,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"sucking on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freez."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Mellencamp! Whoo!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
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