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Clips from Silicon Valley - The Cap Table (S01E01)

"So, um, I ironed out our customer acquisition strategy,"
Silicon Valley
"and I wrapped our financials, I did a DCF valuation."
Silicon Valley
"Most VC's can't even do that math, but something tells me Peter is different."
Silicon Valley
"I think we can jump into the one-on-ones with each team member"
Silicon Valley
"- to see if I can defend our cap table. - Ok."
Silicon Valley
"Um, but first, if you don't mind, I'd like to use the restroom."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah. You don't have to ask permission to do that."
Silicon Valley
"Why, have you not gone since you've been here?"
Silicon Valley
"I have not."
Silicon Valley
"Well... well, go. I mean, go."
Silicon Valley
"Denpok, I know you were in Aspen, thank you for coming. Please, have a seat."
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"I'm not sitting this summer."
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"Of course. Incredible."
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"What's weighing on you, Gavin?"
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"Jared Dunn quit today to join Pied Piper."
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"I hate Richard Hendricks, that little Pied Piper prick."
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"Is... is that wrong?"
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"In the hands of a lesser person, perhaps."
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"But in the hands of the enlightened, hate can be a tool for great change."
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"You're right once again."
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"[Inhales and exhales deeply]"
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"Audious, play John Lennon's Imagine."
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"[Beeping]"
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"[Audious] Cueing, John Wayne in a mansion. Not found."
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"- Fuck! Fuck! - [Audious] Invalid command."
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"Use the anger, chela. Use it."
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"[Exhales deeply]"
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"Uh, thanks for sitting down like this, Gilfoyle."
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"We know it's kind of a little weird."
Silicon Valley
"So, um... can you kind of catch me up on what you see as your role in the company?"
Silicon Valley
"What do you do?"
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"What do I do?"
Silicon Valley
"System architecture. Networking and security."
Silicon Valley
"No one in this house can touch me on that."
Silicon Valley
"Ok, that's good to know."
Silicon Valley
"But does anyone appreciate that?"
Silicon Valley
"While you were busy minoring in gender studies"
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"and singing a capella at Sarah Lawrence,"
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"I was gaining root access to NSA servers."
Silicon Valley
"I was one click away from starting a second Iranian revolution."
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"I actually went to Vassar."
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"I prevent cross-site scripting, I monitor for DDoS attacks,"
Silicon Valley
"emergency database rollbacks, and faulty transaction handlings."
Silicon Valley
"The Internet... heard of it?"
Silicon Valley
"Transfers half a petabyte of data every minute."
Silicon Valley
"Do you have any idea how that happens?"
Silicon Valley
"All those YouPorn ones and zeroes streaming directly"
Silicon Valley
"to your shitty, little smart phone day after day?"
Silicon Valley
"Every dipshit who shits his pants if he can't get"
Silicon Valley
"the new dubstep Skrillex remix in under 12 seconds?"
Silicon Valley
"It's not magic, it's talent and sweat. People like me, ensuring your packets"
Silicon Valley
"get delivered, un-sniffed. So what do I do?"
Silicon Valley
"I make sure that one bad config on one key component"
Silicon Valley
"doesn't bankrupt the entire fucking company."
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"That's what the fuck I do."
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"That's basically what I told him."
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"Listen, wherever we end up here..."
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"I just wanna say that I feel"
Silicon Valley
"I should get more equity than Dinesh."
Silicon Valley
"I know Gilfoyle probably came in here and puked out a bunch of tech specs,"
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"three-fourths of which are total horse-shit."
Silicon Valley
"Did he bring up the Iranian revolution thing?"
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, those words mean nothing."
Silicon Valley
"But here's a fact: I'm the only one of these clowns that can code in Java."
Silicon Valley
"And I write sleek performant low-overhead scala code"
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"with higher order functions that will run on anything."
Silicon Valley
"Period. End of sentence. So basically, I think whatever equity I get,"
Silicon Valley
"it should reflect that I contribute more than Gilfoyle."
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"- This is weird. - [Chuckles] I know, right? It's..."
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"- Everybody's been doing it. - Gilfoyle did this?"
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"It's just a formality, to get me caught up."
Silicon Valley
"So what makes you of value to the Pied Piper team?"
Silicon Valley
"Um... programming."
Silicon Valley
"I guess... pretty good at code, develop algorithms... So forth."
Silicon Valley
"Different from the type of algorithm Richard created?"
Silicon Valley
"Well, yeah. Like, not as good."
Silicon Valley
"Richard's a 10x-er, I'm, like, barely an x-er."
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"- [Both chuckling] - I kinda suck."
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"Smoked you. And now..."
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"- Don't be a dick. - Mushroom stamp!"
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"- You're being a dick. - There you go. Show that to your mom."
Silicon Valley
"Mushroom stamp! That's great."
Silicon Valley
"Hey, what do you guys think about this Jared? He's shit, right?"
Silicon Valley
"No, he's pretty sharp."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, he does shit that no one else in the house can do."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, but he's a know it all. I don't think there's room in here for him."
Silicon Valley
"Well, there will be after Richard gets rid of Big Head."
Silicon Valley
"Wait, Richard's getting rid of Big Head? Why?"
Silicon Valley
"Listen, we all love Big Head."
Silicon Valley
"But, the truth is he's not as good of a coder as I am,"
Silicon Valley
"not as good at system architecture as Gilfoyle,"
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"not as good at being a prick as you, no offense."
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"He's a lightweight at everything. Brings nothing to the table."
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"Him getting points would be a big fuck you to all of us."
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"- But he's a great guy. - Great guy. But useless."
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"Yeah, he is a great guy. Not like that Jared."
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"[Scoffs] At least we can all agree on that."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, I don't know."
Silicon Valley
"Me and Richard have just always been in this together, you know?"
Silicon Valley
"Together, right. But to be clear, Richard created the algorithm on his own, yes?"
Silicon Valley
"Oh, yeah, I had nothing to do with that."
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"- He's my best friend. - That's true."
Silicon Valley
"Yes. The camaraderie is quite apparent."
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"But Peter Gregory demanded a lean, ruthless business plan."
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"And I don't think that the CEO of Microsoft has a paid best friend."
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"- Sergey Brin does. [Chuckles] Larry doesn't do shit. - See?"
Silicon Valley
"What if Big Head is sort of like"
Silicon Valley
"a floating utility player? Like a jack of all trades."
Silicon Valley
"But by his own admission, he's really more like a master of none."
Silicon Valley
"That's true. That is true."
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"Which is not something you'd generally reward with several points in what may some day be"
Silicon Valley
"a multi-billion dollar company."
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"This will never fly with Peter Gregory."
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"I would not want to be Richard right now."
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"Having to tell Big Head that he's out."
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"This is gonna sound super mean, but the other night he was sleeping,"
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"I was just staring at his face."
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"All I could think was, He's utterly useless."
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"Big Head is a man with zero purpose."
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"[Jared clears throat]"
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